Resurrected

It’s been a long time since I’ve come to this website to write, which I recognize is in large part because of the connection it had to a life I no longer recognize as my own. The life I wrote from and about when this blog started in 2007 is obliterated, and over these years I’ve worked hard to pick up the pieces to build a new one; to write a new chapter.

I was guarding some very deep and raw wounds that I wasn’t ready to face, and I didn’t know how to write my story without allowing myself the opportunity to be open and authentic. My writing, and how I wish to share my life, is dependent upon the ability to dig into hard spaces to work out the struggle. It requires vulnerability and honesty. I ached too deply to be vulnerable in ways beyond the world in front of me. There was no real open space for sharing that pain as I waded through it.

It has taken me years to work my way through the monsters in my head, forced by a divorce that was traumatic from the moment I sat on a couch in my living room and told my then-wife that I didn’t want to be married to her anymore. I had emotionally separated myself months prior, slowly drifting away, when I I found in someone else the things I had asked for and she was not able to give. In the end, I recognized what would become the foundation of the life I would build or myself over the next ten years – there was no need to compromise the love I wanted for only the love she was willing and able to give. I wanted passion. I wanted romance. I wanted deep conversations that lasted for hours. I longed for a connection that she and I were never destined to make – and realizing that made it impossible to hide any longer. At the first moment of recognition – a conversation with the one I’d fallen for about honesty and respect – I came home and broke both our hearts. It amazes me even now how easily it disappeared once the words were spoken. Love and like replaced with hate and spite.

All this to say that I find myself being called again to write; to share an authentic piece of myself. This blog started as an open book, an ongoing letter to my future self about how life’s challenges and joys settle into my mind and soul. Only now, I find that I want to start a new letter to my new self, reflecting on the past that made me and the future that is left to be written.

Onward.