Okay, friends, I’m back. I’m over my malaise and I’m here and ready to fuck some shit up. You can’t see it, but I’m doing some karate moves and making Bruce Lee noises as I type this.

There has been a fantastic story going around this week, dating back to 1988. In Lesotho, a young girl went to the doctor with what appeared to be symptoms of labor. Sure, why not, right? It happens all the time. What’s so fantastic about that? Well, upon further examination, it was discovered that this girl DID NOT HAVE A VAGINA. Interesting. Very interesting. A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL WITHOUT A VAGINA IS IN LABOR and here I am, a responsible adult with a vagina (I’m sorry you had to hear that) who, unfortunately, has two useless ovaries that are shriveled like a couple of sad, disgusting raisins.

BUT IT GETS WORSE.

How did that baby get in there, if not through a vagina, you might ask?

Well, it’s so simple that it could have happened to anyone, really, if anyone is enjoying some oral sex with her boyfriend when her ex-boyfriend walks in and a knife fight ensues.

It appears that all three ended up with stab wounds resulting from the melee and took a trip to emergency room where they had some explaining to do, I’m sure. The girl had been stabbed in the abdomen and the knife perforated her stomach. The doctors performed surgery and BING, BANG, BOOM: she recovered.  But, unknowingly, at the same time,  the sperm were on the loose and  somehow (?) wandered on in and around until they managed to find her reproductive system. It’s just like that time I was going to the store for some juice and the Earth tore open and sucked me straight down to Hell.  It could happen to anyone, really.

So what came of the baby? Don’t worry!  She delivered a healthy baby boy via c-section. “The young mother, her family, and the likely father adapted themselves rapidly to the new situation and some cattle changed hands to prove that there were no hard feelings.”

SOME CATTLE CHANGED HANDS TO PROVE THAT THERE WERE NO HARD FEELINGS.

I just want to say one thing:  Africa is awesome.

Also, I’m going to start showing my contrition with livestock.  The whoppers, like impregnating someone with a knife through the gut, will come with cattle or horses.  The smaller the apology, the smaller the animal.  Did I just cut you off in traffic?  Please accept my apology in the form of this chicken.  Did I just rear-end you in traffic?  The bleating of this pygmy goat should remind you how sorry I am.  I should have thought about this so much sooner.

Also, you guys, SHE DOES NOT HAVE A VAGINA.

★★★★★

I would like to point out that a few people who read this website do have a vagina.  Well, I guess vaginas.  They do not share one vagina, they each have their own, but whatever.  You know what I meant.  One in particular just had two babies hop right out of hers.  Join me in congratulating Shera on the birth of her two babies.  As far as I know they were not conceived in a knife fight, but with Shera you never really know.  She’s just that fucking crazy.  Welcome to the world, Juniper and Olivia!  Some of the shit that goes down in this world is going to blow your fucking minds.

Also, you may or may not have noticed that I made some small website design changes and, in the coming weeks, I will continue to tweak some more things here and there.  This is because I wanted to and not because commenter JD has told me that my website is stupid and ugly and a whore and then, just to be cruel, decided to get pregnant with twin boys.

YOU ARE THE WORST, MOST INSENSITIVE WEBSITE READERS EVER!  But you’re mine and I love you, sort of like that cat I have who keeps pooping on my pillow.

Also, I am available for babystealingsitting every other Tuesday from 6pm to forever, you’re not getting this baby back.

UPDATE: Tyra Banks show features five women and ten vaginas.  Five women with multiple vaginas.  What I’m trying to say is that each woman on this show has two vaginas.  Not counting Tyra (I’m guessing…I can’t say for sure).  MY HEAD IS EXPLODING.