I don’t usually make serious resolutions because I don’t have that kind of follow-through. I have that list of 100 things I try and fail to complete each year.  I don’t like to push myself because why strive for excellence when you can strive for sitting in your recliner and falling asleep by 830pm.  I’m just joking about that.  I don’t have a recliner and the cats steal my chair every time I get up.   Last night I had to sit in the dog’s bed after I went to the bathroom because Carson is a bitch whore who wouldn’t get out of my seat.  CATS ARE TERRIBLE.  Never get one.  Especially not three. Why do I have to keep telling you this?  You should have learned by now.

Janie and I each got an iPod Touch over the holidays and we quickly downloaded a free app (look at that, I’m two weeks in and I know all the technical lingo) called Lose It! which is a way to track your calories and exercise.  I haven’t started exercising yet this year – I like to slowly settle into old lazy habits in the first weeks of the new year and then jar my unsuspecting body awake with long, brisk walks and martial arts of my own creation after it thinks I’ve forgotten about maybe trying not to be fat anymore.

We’ve diligently been tracking everything we eat.  We even dusted off that digital food scale to weigh our portions.  This was especially helpful when Janie tried to give me too much meat the other night.  She’s very competitive that way, sneaking too much meat onto my plate like that.  You can’t take your eyes off her for a minute because the next thing you know she’s dusted your broccoli with skittles and before you realized what’s happened, you’re up a few thousand calories because you decided just to finish the rest of the two-pound bag before they go stale.

Counting calories is very, very difficult.  As it turns out, there are significantly more of them in cupcakes and Doritos than there are in things like carrots and salad.  It just doesn’t seem right, but I looked online and, sure enough, there it is plain as day.  Who thought this was a good idea?

Anyhow, I’m going to stick with it for a little while longer to see how things go.  Maybe at some point I’ll start drinking appropriate amounts of water because someone in the elevator just told me that Pepsi and Ginger Ale are way worse for me than water.  I didn’t believe them until I checked online but now that I know they were right I kind of feel bad for throwing that can of pop all over their back when they were walking away.

Also, P.S. to 2009.  You can go straight to hell.

It is amazing how things change when someone who lives above you, and with whom you have some very negative energy, goes away. Things feel lighter, happier, more peaceful and zen. Janie and I only said the word “bitch” twice this weekend and both time she didn’t really mean it, I keep telling her.

I’m no quite sure why, but our entire house has had a difficult time sleeping.  We’re all restless – cats, dogs, gays – everyone.  On Saturday night I was up until 3am.  I had to move out to the couch so I wouldn’t bother Gus and Janie with my tossing and turning and inspired dance routines that I sometimes like to do when I’m restless.  I spent hours on the couch listening to Celine Dion sing Christmas carols on my iPod until I couldn’t take it anymore and I went back to bed and slept until 1030am.  Last night was more of the same – I couldn’t get comfortable.  Then Gus threw up on Janie and she was asleep so she didn’t hear it, but I did.  And I will admit that I thought – well, if it isn’t bothering her then maybe I should just leave it there because I don’t really want to get up. And then I realized it would probably be inappropriate to let my wife sleep with dog vomit on her half of the sheets so I cleaned it up, but I made sure to wake her so she knew that I was doing the right thing.  Because what’s the point in doing the right thing if your wife doesn’t know it and thank you later by taking her top off?

On Wednesday evening my dad and I are going to make pies for Thanksgiving.  We’re making a regular and then a gluten-free pumpkin pie which is disgusting, but apparently other people enjoy that sort of thing and, well, there is no accounting for taste, as we all know.  My dad is a great chef and he has taught me how to make many things over the years, such as waffles, chickens, meats and a glass with whiskey in it.   Growing up, he made our lunches and dinners and breakfast on the weekends.  My appreciation for food comes from him and he is directly responsible for all those nights it has taken me two hours and $150 to go the the store to pick something up for dinner.  What, Janie?  I bought these two frozen turkeys because they were $15.00 a piece and you can’t pass up a bargain like that!  Also, I don’t know why you keep saying we don’t need all that Pepsi and Ginger Ale.  It was buy 2 cases, get three free.  MY GOD, JANIE.  THIS DEAL-MAKING DOESN’T HAPPEN EVERY DAY!

Janie and I were going to make Christmas gifts again this year.  Last year we made monsters, lovingly crafted and sewed by the both of us.  This year we were going to make bath bombs and tote bags until Janie came home, sat me down and said, “No one likes homemade gifts except for the people who make them.”  Then she punched me in the face and called me a whore.  That last part isn’t true, but she might as well have because it hurt just the same. So we’ve changed our game plan and instead of home made gifts for everyone, we’re just going to tell people we love them.  Then we’ll pass around a basket asking for money, like they do in church.  Keep passing it, let it get real nice and full.  Don’t forget that guy in the back.  Yeah, that one.  YES YOU!  I SEE YOU!  Let’s all look and stare at him until he is shamed enough to put in a twenty.

A few days ago I was sitting at work and I had a craving for booze.  This is notable because I don’t usually drink unless Janie is diagnosed with a horrible disease or our friend Carrie updates her Facebook status with another cryptic message about feelings.

When I do decide to have a little something, it’s usually in the form of the sweetest champagne or wine you can find – something so sweet that children would mistake it for juice.  Delicious, delicious juice.  My only other deviation is a Mojito and I usually only have those when I’m in Las Vegas and then Janie has to take away all my money.

So it was a surprise when I was sitting at my desk thinking about whiskey.  Even more surprising that I spent my lunch looking up recipes for whiskey sours and other delicious-sounding whiskey drinks that include ice and whiskey.  Like whiskey on the rocks!  Whiskey with ice!  WHISKEY!  I’m going to name our next pet Whiskey, especially if that pet is a baby.

Before I went home that day, I stopped at our local grocer for lemons and pie.  The lemons were for my whiskey and the pie was for my mouth-hole.  Pie is delicious, you guys.   Except for pumpkin pie which is a terrible waste of time.  Yes – yes, you! – you ugly pumpkin pie with your pumpkin and spices.  You are not delicious!  There.  I said it.

So I got home and I juiced a lemon into a tall glass.  We got these two awesome Bodum Rigi Stacking Double-Wall Thermo glasses from Janie’s aunt this summer.  She was here for a food-bloggers conference and since her bags were too full to pack all her food-blogger conference swag, she was forced to give us her leftovers, which is awesome because it was not cheap stuff in there.  I could have sold it on eBay and bought several pies (not pumpkin).  We kept almost everything, though, including these Bodum glasses which I would like many more of, please and thank you.  They are lovely and light and they go really well with delicious whiskey!

So I made a delicious concoction, only there was so much lemon and whiskey together in such a small area that I got nervous.  I didn’t want to get wasted after only two swigs.  No, I did not.  I’m not a small girl, but I do have very little tolerance to alcohol, so I needed to make sure the drink lasted longer and that it was not strong.  So I filled the rest of the glass with diet coke.

Listen, people.  Listen good.  That drink was delicious.  It was so delicious that Janie, lover of gins and tonics and more gins and more tonics, asked for several sips.  And then she asked for more sips and then she drank the rest of it.  I had about 1/3 of it and Janie drank the rest.  So I made another and Janie drank about 3/4 of that one.  We sat on the bed watching the final season of the L Word  (which, I might add, we did not hate) and every time that bitch Jenny did something horrible, Janie asked for another sip!  And let me tell those of you who do not know the L Word or have not watched far enough to understand, that bitch Jenny did a lot of horrible things.  She did so many horrible things that the entire season was about how horrible she was.  She was so horrible that she died and when she died, no one really cared, except for Lucy Lawless who played a cop (which was the biggest tragedy of the final season – that she was so underused in her role.  I mean, come on, would it have hurt so bad to put her in a little leather and let her fight crime with her round killing thing?).    Yes, I realize this is a very nerdy and very lesbian part of this story, but it is what it is.  Yeah, you heard me…IT IS WHAT IT IS.

Then, last night, as we watched the last of the L Word and then watched Xena: Warrior Princess because they finally cut off our free cable, the same cable that they were supposed to cut off two years ago but for whatever reason, even after several phone calls amounting to me telling them – HEY, YOU DID NOT TURN OFF THE CABLE.  I CAN SEE IT RIGHT NOW.  THERE IS DELICIOUS FREE CABLE ON MY TELEVISION AS WE SPEAK – and their denying that we were accessing this free cable they claim they turned off but in fact, they did not, I made us another drink of delicious whiskey/lemon/diet coke and Janie kept drinking it.  Drinking and drinking.  And this is our relationship.  I make myself something delicious,  Janie asks for some, she asks for more and then she takes the last of it.  Sometimes I actually offer her the last of it, but sometimes I do not.  These delicious drinks in particular I was sharing, but I certainly made no overtures that it was okay to keep it on her side of the bed.  I never suggested it might be appropriate that she keep the cup next to her.  Oh, but she did.  SHE DID.  And then, when I made note of it, something akin to “HEY!  WHERE IS MY FUCKING DRINK YOU DRINK THIEF”  she picked it up and offered me the last sip, which we all know is backwash and, in this case, backwash and lemon seeds.  RUDE!  Then we got in a fight about whether or not there was such a thing as female centaurs because this is what nerds do when they’re drunk, okay?  THIS IS WHAT WE DO.  And by we, I mostly mean Janie because I also have other, cooler interests like video games and spending money at Home Depot, Costco and Target.

Tonight Janie works late and I’m going to sit in my home with my cats and dog and yarn animals of various shapes and sizes, and I am going to drink my drink and not share it with anyone but Gus.  When Janie comes home, there will be nothing for her but her wife passed out in the hallway with nothing on but a ski hat and a tutu.

WHISKEY DELICIOUSNESS

Fill a tall glass 1/3 with crushed ice
Pour in the juice of one lemon
Add 1-2 tbsp sugar
Pour in 1-2 oz. whiskey
Mix well (the sugar may settle, so it might server you well to use a shaker and go to town with it)
Fill to the top with diet coke and stir.

Drink while watching only the most shameful of television shows. Do your best not to share.

Later this week I’m going to leave the house and test my energy and strength by going to Target. If I spend more money than I planned and/or should, then I consider myself recovered!

I’m hoping to resume better, more substantive posting later this week. Thanks for hanging in there.

While we were at the fair last weekend we happened upon a booth selling gluten-free soups and dips.  Janie tried their potato soup and thought it was good enough to buy, so we picked up a package to make the next day.  The mix was dried herbs, spices and freeze-dried potatoes to which we added milk and water to bring it all back to life.  It was sub-par, to say the least.  The potatoes were rubbery and the soup, in general, was gritty.  I thought I could do better, so I looked in my recipe stash and pulled out a never before made potato-leek soup recipe that appeared to be relatively simple.

Since Janie’s been on vacation for two weeks, she picked up the ingredients while I was at work:

3 Tbsp butter
3 leeks (thinly sliced)
1 medium onion (chopped)
6 large Russet potatoes (thinly sliced with skin left on)
3 1/2 c chicken or vegetable stock
1c heavy cream
salt and pepper to taste

Once we had the ingredients prepped, Janie wandered away to take a bath and I started in making the soup:

melt butter in saucepan
add onions and leeks – cook until limp
add potatoes and the broth, hopefully covering the potato/leek mixture
cook over medium heat until the potatoes are tender
mash the mixture and turn the heat down to low
add the cream and stir to incorporate.
simmer for 15 minutes, stirring every so often.
salt and pepper to taste.

Serve yourself a satisfying portion in a large bowl and eat it with a a big spoon.