I have reached into the chat archives for a 3-way chat Janie, Carrie and I had one night at the beginning of the year.  We’d all suffered a long, hard week and were kind of, maybe, a little bit wasted tipsy.
Janie has joined C has joinedme: yoooosssssJanie: uh oh.. .here we go..we’re drunk alreadyC: You two.me: i had chicken for lunchC: Thanks for inviting me!me: my kidney hurtswho will drive me to the ER?laterJanie: I am wearing contactsC: I appreciate knowing that you two think of me often.me: not …

me: look on FB and tell me if you are still friends with Leah
Janie: says its not found… what’s up?
me: i don’t know!
Janie: huh…
did you text her?
me: i just did, yeah
Janie: please tell me why i called my mom?
me: because you’re insane
same reason i called mine
Janie: we need to stop doing this
me: YES WE DO
Janie: fucking hell
hahaha, my phone hung up on her!
awesome
I should not call her back
but I will
me: hahahaha

11 minutes

Janie: …

I’m having a hard time.  Mostly I just don’t know what the hell I am doing.
It’s funny how you carry around all this baggage from place to place – one relationship or experience to another.  And sometimes you think you’ve let it go and then life comes in and BAM, it slaps you in the face.  GOTCHA BITCH!
This is a real thing that happens to me.
I’m going to say something nice about Janie for a second.  I KNOW.  WEIRD.  But in all reality, I feel incredibly grateful for the friend …

Janie and I have each become fans of the Tumblr blog The Ex Factor which is, “a compilation of AIM Instant Message Buddy Chats between two people you’ve likely never heard of. Stephanie and Adam are longtime exes. After a tumultuous, on-off relationship, which culminated with them living in misery in a one bedroom Sherman Oaks apartment, behind the Ralphs, the couple split up over Labor Day weekend, 1999. He kept the apartment, she kept everything that was in it.  Since that time, …

Janie and I broke down and brought the old desk out of storage to set up in her bedroom so I could use the desktop computer to finish our taxes and fuck around with Photoshop, etc.  I had forgotten how much I missed having that whole set-up.  There’s just something about being able to saddle up to a desk to write or work.  It makes me about 100 times more productive.  Janie said it just felt good to have it back and I think, in part, it just feels a …

I have 53 unfinished posts in my drafts folder and some of them I will delete entirely.  A few are included below, not because they’re all that good, but because they’re long enough that it’s obvious I spent a significant amount of time on them and I’m not one to just throw that away.  So here…enjoy this bullshit while I work on what has become a very long and arduous post about animals – COMING SOON (maybe)!
*****
Snovember
10/12/10
If you’re not from around these parts you may not have heard that …

I got an email recently from my friend Dana that said, “Please come back.”  So here I am…back…writing words.
I’ve actually written several things…one post half-finished called Love Exists, one about that online dating website I joined and then un-joined, another about soul mates, another called What is Love and let’s just wrap them all up into one category and say I’ve been writing a hundred skrillion posts about love and relationships and MY FEELINGS and and we’ll refer to them all as I WILL BE ALONE FOREVER.  Which most of …

There was always the smallest part of me that believed I was good enough, that believed I deserved something.  To be happy.  To be loved.  To be wanted.  To be cared for. Even in the midst of some powerful and deep feelings of self-loathing I held these tiny nuggets as truth.  They WERE there.  They DID exist.  I just pushed them aside and disregarded them so easily because even bigger were these notions of being unimportant.  Worthless.  Unlovable.  No one could have ever shown me those small pieces of goodness …