(Chicago Tribune archive photo)

PRIZES!  PRIZES!  PRIZES!  PRIZES! PRIZES!  PRIZES!  PRIZES!  PRIZES! PRIZES!  PRIZES!  PRIZES!

An impartial panel of Judges named Mom and Dad will choose the winning caption, so you may want to reconsider calling this lady a whore.  Just sayin’.

The winning entry will be announced on Monday, February 22nd.  They will have 48 hours to email me  – heathen (at) uncouthheathen (dot) com – their address to which I will send a Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure, personalized card and a small plastic blow fish to hide in …

Do you know how much it costs to have RotoRooter come to your house on a Monday night to spend 20 minutes snaking your sink?  $266 American dollar bills. Pipes and plumbing and water are so dumb. Why can’t we go back to a simpler time when people would get their water from a well or a river or whatever and maybe contract dysentery but never have to deal with plumbers who charge outrageous amounts of money.  Also, money is dumb.  I think we need to just barter and trade …

Okay, friends, I’m back. I’m over my malaise and I’m here and ready to fuck some shit up. You can’t see it, but I’m doing some karate moves and making Bruce Lee noises as I type this.
There has been a fantastic story going around this week, dating back to 1988. In Lesotho, a young girl went to the doctor with what appeared to be symptoms of labor. Sure, why not, right? It happens all the time. What’s so fantastic about that? Well, upon …

This has been a weird week. Awkward. I don’t like it, but I’m sure it is what it is for some reason or another. Lessons learned or some bullshit like that. I don’t know.
Life is hard! Relationships are messy. Sometimes I just run out of things to say. Feelings. All that. I usually have a lot of feelings, which is why I cry at stupid things like yogurt commercials and that documentary about the Great Wall of China. But this …

Janie and I were living at my parent’s house.  I saw my dad looking out the window with  a telescope and I asked what he was doing.  He pointed to a metal trash can on the curb that was glowing and he said he was looking to see if it was on fire.  I saw that there were flames shooting out of it and I ran towards the front door in a panic and asked if he had a fire extinguisher.  He said yes, pointed to the blazing trash can …