There are some people in this world who do not fully grasp the definition of the word “interpret,” which is most often taken to mean: Present in understandable terms. So when I ask you to interpret the word “horrible” for me, you say “Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag.” See? It’s so easy.
When I was spending some months in Japan with that girl who is ignoring my Facebook friend request (frowny face), I attended an artistic event which can only be interpreted as THE WORST THREE HOURS OF MY …

Every once and again I email myself or bookmark a link that I want to revisit and I forget about it for a long time, sometimes for several years. I’m dumping some of those along with some fresher ones. These are for both you and me:
Fiji Water: Spin the Bottle: Anna Lenzer shares her investigation of Fiji Water over at Mother Jones. Cool, clean, delicious corruption.
Nearly every piece of US paper currency is covered in cocaine! And then there’s that  dollar bill my brother sprayed with mace …

Oh no! I lost the baby!
Did it go out the window?
No, no. It just went under my seat.
Oh, okay. I thought it flew out the window.

That is a physical representation of what I’ve been writing for weeks now.  Everything I write I end up hating.  HATING.  Gross, like a smelly mixture old garbage and JOOP! cologne.
Also, I hate the Internet.  Seriously.  I feel so judgey about how some people who are “popular bloggers” became such because, you know what, you can’t write for shit, Perez Hilton.  YOU. CAN’T. WRITE.  Also, you’re a bad dresser and your hair is stupid.
I’m trying not to be a hater, but sometimes it’s too hard.  Too much to ask.  Also, …

On Wednesday, Seattle reached a record high temperature of 104 degrees. What this means is that we’ve all spontaneously combusted and no one is left here but the Southern and Eastern State transplants who have been screeching about how this isn’t hot weather, no, it’s not hot until you sweat fire.
Naturally, Seattle is completely unprepared for weather events like this.  That’s why whenever a significant weather pattern approaches, we name it.  Hanukkah Eve Windstorm ’07, Shitstorm ’04, Snowstorm ’08, Minor Heat Wave ’09.  Janie’s work actually SHUT DOWN for …

Our cat, Ducati, took it upon himself to attempt murder on Augustus this weekend. I was in the office when I heard skittering feet and knew that Gus was probably involved because he’d just wandered down that way. I walked down the hall and as I turned into the bedroom I watched Ducati scurry up onto the bed and hold his paws in the air, yelling I didn’t do nothing to no one! Murder was the case that they gave me, but I’m innocent!  I’m innocent. Gus …

I am deleting several abandoned posts that are very, very bad.  Just for poops and giggles, here are some snips:
Grow a beard and a pony tail.  It just seems like the right thing to do.
Items to have on hand: A Bible, good, Christian toys, a soothing mix of Christian songs and some Armor of God canine pajamas to keep him safe in the arms of the Lord as he spends his first night trapped in a small plastic box on your living room floor.
Digital technology can’t touch this hot fire.
Gus …

Janie and I recently traveled to Las Vegas in what was a last-minute change to plans of visiting Montana for her family reunion. Oddly enough, Las Vegas was a cheaper option for us and since we just added another $1000 to the value of Ducati because of a wee wee problem and a several day veterinary hospital stay, we couldn’t dole out our dollars to get eaten by some grizzly bears.
Most of the trip was excellent.  Beyond excellent, really.  What’s a word for that?  Phat.  Retarded.  Stoopid.  Bad, but in …