Several times a day I like to tell Janie that she’s being watched.  Because she is.
About two weeks ago we went to a little store in Seattle called Archie McPhee and before I had to make a mad dash out of there because something horrible was happening to my bottom system, I purchased several small plastic figures and a pack of 7 fake mustaches (one for every day of the week!).
First I tried wearing the mustaches and then smooching on my lady until it freaked her out so much that …

I pulled an extra comforter out of the linen closet last night and as I was lying underneath it on the living room floor, playing with Gus, I saw a small spider crawl away from me.  Logically, I assumed it had been on the blanket and that it was a baby and so I screamed frantically for my wife with the severe phobia of spiders, to come and kill it while I held Gus back like it was a grenade.
It didn’t take long for paranoia to set in and I …

Some people are born with confidence and some people aren’t. I have seen people who have ridiculously high self-esteem and I sometimes wonder: From where do you come with your fancy self-love and positive attitude? Because when I popped out, all those years ago, I came only with a head full of hair and a 40-piece set of emotional baggage. Yes, you go ahead and try to picture my mother giving birth to a matching set of luggage, but nothing good will come of it. Nothing. Good.
For …

If you could be an entertainer of some sort, like a vocal entertainer – pop, rock, R&B -  which would you choose?
I wouldn’t want to be a singer.
You wouldn’t?  Well, maybe you should be a rapper.
You think so?
You could be all, “Yo yo yo!”
Is that how you would rap? “Yo yo yo?”
Yeah.
Okay, right.  Well, maybe I would be a dancer.
Like a hip hop dancer?
Yeah.
You could be like K-Fed, you know, pop and lock…
Do you even know what that means?
No, I do not.

There are some people in this world who do not fully grasp the definition of the word “interpret,” which is most often taken to mean: Present in understandable terms. So when I ask you to interpret the word “horrible” for me, you say “Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag.” See? It’s so easy.
When I was spending some months in Japan with that girl who is ignoring my Facebook friend request (frowny face), I attended an artistic event which can only be interpreted as THE WORST THREE HOURS OF MY …

Every once and again I email myself or bookmark a link that I want to revisit and I forget about it for a long time, sometimes for several years. I’m dumping some of those along with some fresher ones. These are for both you and me:
Fiji Water: Spin the Bottle: Anna Lenzer shares her investigation of Fiji Water over at Mother Jones. Cool, clean, delicious corruption.
Nearly every piece of US paper currency is covered in cocaine! And then there’s that  dollar bill my brother sprayed with mace …

Oh no! I lost the baby!
Did it go out the window?
No, no. It just went under my seat.
Oh, okay. I thought it flew out the window.

That is a physical representation of what I’ve been writing for weeks now.  Everything I write I end up hating.  HATING.  Gross, like a smelly mixture old garbage and JOOP! cologne.
Also, I hate the Internet.  Seriously.  I feel so judgey about how some people who are “popular bloggers” became such because, you know what, you can’t write for shit, Perez Hilton.  YOU. CAN’T. WRITE.  Also, you’re a bad dresser and your hair is stupid.
I’m trying not to be a hater, but sometimes it’s too hard.  Too much to ask.  Also, …