Please help me not to murder this dog for sinking his razor teeth into my toes and thinking that my yelling in pain and screaming “NO BITE! NO BITE! NO! NO! OH MY GOD THAT HURTS SO BAD! NO!” means bite harder and more ferociously because this is such a fun game.

Also, can you ask him to stop eating everything he isn’t supposed to, like the cats and dust and stray cat litter and leaves and mud and my clothes and anything on the ground in reach of his hoover-like …

I get a fair amount of people to this site based on their Google searches.  It is one of my favorite things about this place, being able to peek at the clandestine searches of strangers who are likely locked in their darkened bedrooms, secretly longing to find videos of teachers and their students having sex or wondering what wine Oprah was drinking on her most recent trip to Italy.  A lot of people are looking for answers to some very serious and important questions, most of which aren’t going to …

Greetings to you between-holiday cleansers. I got your emails inquiring about the cleanse, if we were cleansing and how it was going. Well, I have something to say about this motherfucking cleanse.
I was amped up to start this thing again, to go from Thanksgiving to Christmas eating vegan deliciousness, feeling good about myself while having unspeakable things happening in my bottom system. It was for health. FOR HEALTH! So we gobbled up our turkey and stuffed our faces with sugary yams on Thanksgiving and prepared …

I know that things up there in Wasilla must be a real drag, compared to the glitz and glamor of a national election. You had hoped to be sitting in the White House a few months from now, biding your time, serving John McCain rat poison and waiting for your chance at world domination. I know it is difficult to go back to shooting animals from helicopters, taking care of your many children and shopping at consignment stores. It has to be a real let down to …

Hi there.
I know you might still be sore at me for attempting to caucus for Hillary a few months back, but I was weak. I wanted a woman in the White House! But now that I see what kind of undereducated, inexperienced, crazy-talking Evangelican Christian woman the Republicans are trying to back door into the Oval Office, I’m in your corner. Also, John McCain, should he survive – and rumor has it that those fervent and über-religious Palin lovers are praying hard that he doesn’t last much …