You may want to skip this post and all the others for the last year, especially if you don’t like it when I talk about my feelings and, let’s be honest, no one likes it when anyone else bitches and moans about their feelings. OH, MY FEELINGS! BLAH BLAH BLAH FEELINGS BLAH BLAH BLAH CRY CRY CRY FEELINGS FEEEEELINGS! I think that’s all anyone who knows me has heard in the last 9 months and if you’re tired of my feelings (who isn’t? I know I certainly am.) then you’re gonna want to skip this and probably not come back here for a year or two or never because I HAVE THE FEELINGS, motherfuckers! And since today is a better day on account of the fruit tart, I’m going to write myself a little note to remind the sad sack of yesterday and probably tomorrow about how shit really is, so that when I forget, I can come here and remember some important things.

Dear stupid asshole -

I know it’s hard to make it through days like yesterday, especially now that you’re more alone and isolated than you have been in a quite some time. Of course it’s hard, because losing things that are precious and massive should and could never be easy. It’s okay to have bad days. You know, now, that there have to be bad days because they will show you that which is important. It hurts so much because it matters and there is great beauty in that – you can lose yourself in that, in the memories of how brilliant things were for a while. That’s, ultimately, what matters – that there were, for any amount of time, things that were so incredibly special to you that they changed your life in some extraordinary ways.

The events of our lives and the people we walk our path with come to us because we call for them, because they are what we need in order to flourish as human beings.  We need experiences to grow and people to show us what it is to truly love; what it means to look beyond ourselves in order to share the most special gift we have to give – ourselves.  There is no greater beauty than the connections we have with other people and that loss will always be one of the hardest  we experience.  When you love another human being you give up a piece of yourself, never to be taken back.  When we lose someone – to death, divorce, time, distance or any number of ways that people leave our lives – we suffer because we lose a piece of ourselves along with them.  But we gave that piece gladly, willingly, because there is great joy and magic in loving another human being.  We give of ourselves when we want to share a profound connection with another and we should ask for nothing in return, we should give without expectation to keep it pure and good.  To love is the purest essence of humanity.

You’ve always been a person with a profound ability to experience and express emotion.  It is, in fact, one of the very best things about you.  You have empathy, you can feel what other people feel and it affects you deeply.  You will always be like this – there is no getting around it as much as you may want to at times.  It can be overwhelming.  Some days you will feel sad or upset and it will feel like it’s for no reason at all – you won’t be able to explain it – because you’ll look to yourself for answers.  The answers aren’t always going to be there.  Sometimes those feelings aren’t yours at all – they belong to other people, to the world at large – and you have a unique ability to tune into that.  It is a part of who you are.  Those deep feelings you have connect you with other people – they are filled with a life-force and give you the ability to see beyond the surface to something deeper and more meaningful.  This ability will allow you, if you let it, to see the very basic goodness in other people.  It allows you to believe in humanity, to find beauty in places others may not find it.  Do not lose sight of this because it gets hard, because it sometimes feels overwhelming.  You’re strong enough to feel it, you’re strong enough to work through it and in the end, it is this very thing that gives you the strength you need and cherish.  It is this ability to see profound beauty in the smallest places that will bring you the greatest joys.  This is where you will find and feel the purest and most unconditional sort of love.  Remember what that love feels like – as if your heart is bursting open and light shines from within you – it is filled with hope, with possibility, with the belief in all things.  This is life in all its glory and one day you will remember how to find that space again.  You will get back to that and it will fill you and your life with purpose.  You are here to do one thing – the one thing you do better than any other – to love.  Do not let that go.

You have discovered lately that the worst in you comes out when you feel hurt and it’s been easy to run from it, to blame others, to look anywhere but at yourself for the answers you need.  Everything you need to face the truth is inside of you.  You will not find answers in anyone else.  Your wisdom comes from what you have inside you – from all the good and also from the negativity. Get to know this whole human being well.  Running away from the ugliest parts of yourself and pushing them away will only serve to harm you further.  Be honest with yourself.  See everything there is to see, get some clarity on who you are and how you are so you can develop an unconditional friendship with yourself.  Be gentle, patient and kind – to yourself and others.  It’s like Pema Chodron says “When we feel resentful or judgmental, it hurts us and it hurts others. But if we look into it we might see that behind the resentment there is fear and behind the fear there is a tremendous softness. There is a very big heart and a huge mind—a very awake, basic state of being. To experience this we begin to make a journey, the journey of unconditional friendliness toward the self that we already are.”  I know you’ve reached that softness again, however briefly.  It certainly hurts sometimes and it’s easy to fall back on that old resentment, but keep striving to get past that, to the soft core of the person you are because it serves you better to be that than the kind of person you have been for some time now.  Remember: we’re all human – every last one of us – including you.  I know you often expect more from yourself than everyone else around you.  There are exceedingly high standards to live up to and you will fall short of those often.  You will fall on your face time and time again – and that’s okay.  Have patience enough to keep getting up and try again.  Have faith in yourself, in your ability to stand up, dust off and have another go.  This is one place your stubbornness will pay off – in your desire to grow and be good to other people in the world.  Never give up on yourself.  You have thought about that a lot lately and it only serves to make the journey so much harder and it’s already hard enough.  Be a human being – allow yourself the mistakes you allow other people.  Find comfort somewhere between the good and the bad and know that on any given day you are right where you need to be – not static, ever growing.

The more you try to protect yourself, the less you allow that part of you that connects with others to shine through.  People will hurt you.  It’s a fact as real as the idea that you, too, will hurt other people  Do not live your life in fear of that pain – it is a guarantee.  You will disappoint and be disappointed because we are all human and humans are fallible.  Give yourself and others the benefit of the doubt – hold on to the belief that we are good and we do not act out of malice.  We are all afraid of the same things, we are all struggling to make it in a world filled with so many trials and tribulations; so many incomprehensible feelings.  The stories may be different but the basics are all there in each of us – we doubt, we fear, we struggle, we suffer and we all are deserving of compassion.  Compassion is what will save us all.  When you let go of the self-protection you make room to feel and hear as the world around you speaks.  You will see the beauty and you will reclaim the compassion that humanity needs so badly.  Spend every day putting more of that into the world than you do anger and resentment.  Follow your path and the lessons will come as they need to, they will appear as you call for them one by one.  Open your heart and put out all the love you have to give and in doing so you will receive it back.  The act of loving will not only allow you to discover yourself, but also to discover the rest of humanity.

There are tough times ahead. You knew this big fight was coming a long, long time ago.  You felt it because you were open to it,  because you called for it and you were ready.  You were prepared to make a long and difficult journey – a fight for your life – for your soul.  It was on the horizon and you set out, one foot in front of the other, to discover pieces of yourself that you had not yet been ready to face. This is life.  It’s DH Lawrence’s great forest and you are standing in the clearing of your known self as the gods come and go – and you have the courage to let them, to face those new and difficult truths.  Certain periods in your life will be tougher struggles than others.  Things will always come together and then fall apart.  There will be both brilliance and misery and they will work together.  The brilliance will build us up and fill us with motivation and hunger but it will eventually get out of control and the misery will set in and humble us.  It will poke at our soft spot and remind us of our need to be compassionate; it will steer us back to the brilliance once again.  There will be great mountains to climb but you will make it to the peak and look back at all that you’ve conquered, and ahead toward all that awaits.  There is great beauty in this journey – in the failures as well as the triumphs.  You will grow stronger every day, with every step.  Put one foot in front of the other and follow your path.

Look back to see what you have survived so far – and you have done it so much on your own. Now imagine how much better things might feel if you let other people help you. I know that’s never been an easy thing for you to do. Asking for help is the one thing you never allow yourself  because you feel a responsibility for acting on your own, for being independent, for not burdening other people, for being someone who is strong so that other people know they can count on you. The trouble with that is when you fall apart, when you can’t be strong, and everything is ten times harder than it has to be. It’s okay. It’s okay to be who you are, but it’s also okay to say you can’t always do it by yourself. You just can’t – you know how out of control things have gotten and maybe this is when you realize that you just can’t do it on your own all the time. There are consequences for not reaching out in your times of great need.  Things will only get worse. It’s time to wake up. It’s time to admit when you’re having a profoundly difficult  time. It’s time to admit that you hurt so much and so deeply. Don’t run away from it.  Don’t fear it. It will only stay longer. There are people out there who will listen and help you – but they won’t know unless you ask. Don’t be stubborn, because you know how slippery that slope is. As easily as you love know that it is okay to be loved in return.

You have always had a lot of feelings and they allow you to see some pretty incredible things.  Do not deny your feelings because to do that is to deny who you are.  Face them, feel them, touch and hold them until you can let them go and move on.  Be your authentic self as often as you can remember to.  Do not let anyone tell you who you are or should be.  You know, better than anyone, what the best and the worst parts of yourself are.  When you’re thinking clearly, when you’re open to the truth, you’ll remember that the good and the bad, the positive and the negative, go together, working in unison.  There will always be a push and a pull and one day you may be more of one than the other but, most days, you’ll be in between.  Wherever you are is exactly where you need to be.  Find the lessons, grow and prepare for the next one.  They are ever coming, in this life and then the next.  Just remember who you are and love her so that you can look outward again and share that love, share yourself, with the people all around you.  Look into the eyes of the people you give pieces of yourself to and never let them forget that you care so very much.  Compassion and love.  It’s the very best in you and it’s never gone.   The most powerful force in the world is love and you are filled with it. Find it, feel it and never be afraid to give it away.

After eight years together, things certainly have changed.  So much for the better, but several things less better.  Not worse, but not ideal, either.  There is just so much change that goes on in life, in each of us as individuals and in us as a couple.  I would be lying if I were to say there were never times that I had doubts, that I thought maybe we’d be better off apart.  But those, thankfully, are few and far between and it doesn’t take long before I realize how dumb it is to even think that I could make it through a moment of my life without you.  I love you.  I do.  I love you absolutely, more than my own life.  I would die a thousand deaths to spare you one minute of pain.  I would do anything for you without question.  Even that one thing.

I used to be really good at writing you love letters.  I miss that.  I miss how easy it was to gush and tell you how fucking amazing you are; how lucky I am to have you.  It isn’t that those feelings have subsided and I’m left empty of words or emotion.  Oh no.  In fact, I love you more right in this minute than I ever have in my life, more than I have loved anyone or anything or even all that combined.  My love for you is so immense that it cannot be contained.  There are no ways to measure it or to describe it adequately.  There are no words or figures or works of art, no songs, no books, no retarded interpretive dance routines, no anything that could illustrate the way you make me feel here…inside. It is immeasurable.  It is immense.  It is like how much you hate Celine Dion and Mariah Carey combined, only a bazillion times more, if that’s even possible.  Which it is, because I said so.  I think the hesitation in writing those  letters has been a reflection of where we’ve found ourselves lately…wandering without any real direction, without giving a whole lot of thought to what we have here, this wondrous connection to one another.  We forgot about how special it is because it gets so shitty with day to day life.  Though we never go a day without saying I love you, it has become quite automatic.  We say it because we’re supposed to – and we DO mean it – but we’ve somehow managed to forget to feel it, to really comprehend what those words mean.

One thing that’s been interesting over the last months is how we’ve worked to have fights.  Not really fights, but arguments and discussions.  It isn’t that we’ve tried to start them, but that we’ve been more honest with one another than we ever have before.  We’ve worked hard not to hold our feelings back to spare one another pain.  Not because we’re eager to hurt, but because it is essential to our survival as a couple.   We’ve only come to realize how important that is, and how our inability to express ourselves for fear of hurting one another or causing conflict has affected our relationship in some profound ways.  We’ve lost a bit of ourselves as individuals for the sake of us, and now we are working hard to find who we are within this relationship.  It’s a struggle now because so much is changing.  We are spending more time apart when, for so many years, we spent every spare moment we had together.  It is a challenge, but so necessary, and now the moments we have together are precious and meaningful and not filled with television and discussions about the weather or why Meryl Streep deserved that Oscar more than Sandra Bullock, which she totally did even though I like Sandra Bullock a lot.

Last week we sat in the living room and talked about our lives, about our struggles and the changes we’re going through and it was the first time in a very long time that we talked about something that mattered to us.  It was amazing, to have that connection again and to look you in the eye and see you.  Not the you on the outside with your tiny ears and crooked smile (but oh GOD DAMN, how that gets me every time), but into that part of you no one else ever gets to see.  Your heart and soul swirling inside of you and, good god Janie, it is so stunning.  You are so beautiful.

I just want you to know that even when things are bad and I question and wonder, I never stop remembering how lucky I am to know you and have you in my life. I am blessed to fall asleep and wake up beside you each and every day.  I am immensely lucky to share a life with you, especially considering how emotionally retarded I am so much of the time.  It is not an exaggeration to tell you that I didn’t quite understand what love was until you came into my life.  Yeah, sure, I’d been loved and I had loved, but not as completely and as selflessly as I have been fortunate enough to love you.  You have saved me from myself on countless occasions and I can never in a million years get you to understand what you mean to me.  Just imagine how much I love Terri Clark and then know that I love you at least 50% more than that.  It’s a lot, trust me on this.  That’s a lot of love and I think that it would be pretty cool if the three of made out together.  Please make it happen.

Janie, I love you.  I would give my life for you. My heart and soul are yours forever and there is nothing in this world that will keep me from trying each and every day to make what we have bigger and better.  And though we are an ordinary couple with ordinary ups and downs, to me we are the most brilliant thing the world has ever known.  I am so proud of you, and of us, and not a day will pass when I am not grateful for all of this love and crazy, smashed together in a life that I could not ever have imagined for myself, even on my best days.

This is Rutherford B. Hayes and his wife on their wedding day.  Gosh, Janie…this reminds me so much of us.  Look at the indifference on their faces…the take ir or leave it-ness.  It is like they could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not talk about.  Just like you and me.  And like those two, I’m unmoved by our totally generic love for one another.  I think you’re really, really average and I’m looking forward to at least 2-2/3 more years of garden-variety marriage before we fall apart at the seams and you move to your parents house with Carson and those other two cats I can’t be bothered to remember to feed anymore.

Eight years ago today we had our first date at Typhoon! where I was wearing jeans and a black sweater and you wore something.  I’m sure you were dressed but really, let’s be honest, I was probably picturing you with your top off the whole time and couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to what clothes you had on.  It was to be a precursor for the next eight years of our life together…you wearing a top and me imagining you are not wearing a top.

We have had our ups and downs, that’s for sure.  Mostly ups, thankfully, but there were some downs and let’s not forget about those so that we can learn from them.  Specifically, I want you to learn that you shouldn’t wear a top around me, I absolutely did not move any of those bills you have misplaced, all that online shopping wasn’t done by me (God, no), there is really no good reason for you to tell me to fuck off like that one time I thought you did but misheard but I still blame you for doing it because it really sounded like you said it and even if it didn’t happen the idea that it did has hurt my feelings and the litter boxes won’t scoop themselves and God knows those three selfish cats can’t be bothered to do anything but shit in or around them and then beg for more food and pretend like we don’t exist much of the rest of the time.  I will continue to learn how awesome I am and how lucky you are to have me.  Also, I have learned to build myself a panic room in a safe location not anywhere you know in the event that you decide to murder me in my sleep or not in my sleep.  You don’t need to bother looking for it because you will never find it.  It is definitely not a carved out space between the mattresses.  Absolutely not.

Thank you for agreeing to be my wife despite, well, everything…not the least of which is this website.  I say a lot of things here about you and, as you know, a good 97% of it is grossly exaggerated or completely true.  The rest is just insane ramblings and pictures of our dog.  Anyway, what I’m trying to say  is that I love you and I’m happy to call you my wife and best friend and some of those other things that I can’t talk about because my mom reads this now.  You’re the greatest thing to ever come into my life, and I happen to have had a lot of good things come my way, so  you know, you’re super!

Also, when I came home just now I burned all your tops.  HAHAHAHAHA.  Happy Anniversary!

Though female centaurs, called Kentaurides, are not mentioned in early Greek literature and art, they do appear occasionally in later antiquity. A Macedonian mosaic of the C4th BC is one of the earliest examples of the Centauress in art. Ovid also mentions a centauress named Hylonome who committed suicide when her husband Cyllarus was killed in the war with the Lapiths.

In a description of a painting in Neapolis, the Greek rhetorician Philostratus the Elder describes them as sisters and wives of the male centaurs who live on Mount Pelion with their children.

How beautiful the Centaurides are, even where they are horses; for some grow out of white mares, others are attached to chestnut mares, and the coats of others are dappled, but they glisten like those of horses that are well cared for. There is also a white female Centaur that grows out of a black mare, and the very opposition of the colours helps to produce the united beauty of the whole.

The idea, or possibility, of female centaurs was certainly known in early modern times, as evidenced by Shakespeare’s “Down from the waist they’re centaurs, / Though women all above”

I will just be over here, in the corner, cackling and gloating that I have just won the nerdiest fight in all of the greater Seattle area.

what it feels like to be naked in public Breezy, I would guess.  It depends, because there’s physical feelings and emotional feelings.  Are you easily embarrassed?  Are you self-conscious?  Do you have a really gay tattoo that you’re embarrassed about?  Because in addition to breezy, I’m also going to guess that it feels pretty humiliating.  Unless you’re Paris Hilton in which case it feels like Friday.

people I’d like to punch in the face So far this month I’ve gotten 38 hits from people searching this on Google.  That figure does not include the variations on this search, like 5 people I’d like to punch in the face, Republicans I’d like to punch in the face, and so on.  I’m just thinking that if you need to Google this to find ideas for people you may want to punch in the face, then perhaps you’re not really all that eager to punch anyone in the face.  Just sayin’.

reading medical on internet give me anxiety WebMD Symptom Checker is our greatest friend and, also, our greatest enemy.  Two years ago it convinced me I had MS.  It also convinced my sister and Janie that I had it, too.  This was all based on a very scary, one-time weird thing that happened.  It hasn’t happened since, but every time I add it in to check a symptoms search since then, it tells me I might have MS.  So my suggestion is this – go to the doctor.  Leave WebMD alone and save yourself the anxiety.  But if you want a good idea about what might be wrong with you by looking online, just come over here and look at this special graphic I made just for you.

what to do when your wife do not talk to you You think long and hard about what you did and, if you can, do it again when it is most advantageous for you to have some peace and quiet.

what to do if your wife act like a bitch I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that maybe this is the same person who submitted the previous query.

should i quit figure skating Yes, Tanya Harding.  The dream is over.

photo of dave macpherson at disneyland Here you go…from 1955 (as Disneyland’s first visitor) and in 2005. 

ishma pointy stick! i cut you i cut you! WTF?

boobies HAHA.  Boobies are funny.

lies that teachers tell you Did you go to a Catholic school?  Because then it is safe to assume that everything they told you was a lie, especially that part about the Bible and how you can use it to justify your hateful actions and words.  Plus all that crap about not having sex before marriage.

screwdriver hot tips Here’s a hot tip: if you need a hot tip on how to work a fucking screwdriver you are so, totally leotarded.

lesbians love terri clark Who wouldn’t?  Seriously.  I take one look at Terri Clark and I think to myself – who could look at her and not think she is absolutely beautiful and then dream she’ll one day come to their house to make a really delicious turkey sandwich for them?  Honestly?  If you don’t think Terri Clark is beautiful you’re blind, or Janie.  And Janie only says it because she wants to hurt me.

you don t need all that fancy shit to grow weed I know, right?  Janie and I just saw season 4 of Weeds last week and they were growing weed in a refrigerator in the back of a cheese store.  But mostly you just need a lot of open space, some dirt and a gun.

Obama is retarded Look everybody!  John McCain learned how to Google!

is lesbotronic completely free? YES!  For God’s sake, didn’t they write that about 400 different ways on the front page of the website?  IT IS FREE.  Now get over there and find yourself a gay lady.

can a doctor tell if you are gay during an exam If they ask about the free toaster, retreat!  He knows to much!  RETREAT!

tile shard stuck in eye Yeah.  You’re gonna want to see a doctor about that, please and thank you.

should tile removers wear masks Please see the above query for a good example of why the answer to this is yes.  Do not chip tile without proper protection.  I suggest good clothes, goggles, a mask, some condoms, a gun, some nunchucks, a german shephard, the bible, a young priest and an old priest, a crucifix, rabbit’s foot, a sword and two cigarettes.

im going to throw up Did anyone else Google “mucous plug” after Dooce mentioned that hers fell out a few weeks ago?  Did you, unfortunately, catch a glimpse of some search-related images that popped up under the regular search function, completely separate from the image search?   Yeah.  I’m going to throw up, too.

what will you do after leave here? Well, I’ll go home.  Change into something more comfortable, take the dog to the park and watch him get peed on, AGAIN, come home, have some dinner, watch some television, wait for Janie to come home, ask her to remove her top.  Ask again.  Eat a cookie.  Ask Janie to remove her top.  Ask again.  Have a bath.  Read a book.  Ask Janie to remove her top.  Ask again.  Tell her “fine, then.  GET OFF ME.”  Go to sleep and dream about Janie taking off her shirt.  Wake up.  Write a concerned fan letter to John and Kate Gosselin.  Write a letter of support to seven of those eight Gosselin kids but not that one because she’s just an asshole.  Eat breakfast.  Cry.  Take a shower.  Cry some more.  Write some poetry.  Cry again.  Etc.

to do prior to leaving your wife? I don’t know what I write on this website that makes people show up here looking for advice on leaving their wife.  I love my wife!  But when I leave her, here’s what I’ll do:  I’ll pack the cats in one suitcase with their toys and food.  Then I’ll pack a second suitcase with clothes, a wash cloth, some fruit snacks, a few dollars in cash, a bus pass and a Bible.  Then I’ll put those bags in the building’s hallway, change the locks and tape a note to the door saying “Janie, sorry it has come to this, but I warned you to stop quoting Cry Baby.  Gus is mine and so is the bed. Have fun sleeping in Howard’s yard with only his naked body and that wash cloth to keep you warm on those cold spring evenings.”

Well, that about does it for this volume, friends.

Thanks and good luck, especially to that guy looking for tips on how to relieve his burning a-hole (ice cream and lots of it.  keep it coming.).

-Linsey