Customer service associate
Babysitter
Executive Assistant
Kanye West
Prison Guard
Chat room monitor
Rapper
Wrapper
Stagecoach Driver
Day care helper
Tina Fey

Jobs I might not have worked

Waitress
Actress
Formula One Driver
Neurosurgeon
President
Attorney
Mail Carrier
Shark
Lifeguard

1. Name our (male) dog Angel
2. Change my name to Samantha so people would refer to me as Sam, like Alyssa Milano’s character on Who’s The Boss
3. Become a neurosurgeon
4. Go to Stanford University
5. Play on the USA Women’s World Cup soccer team
6. Have a job that involved carrying a brief case and stamping things
7. Win that newspaper recycling contest
8. Live in an apartment above a store
9. Skip church and sit in the Sears parking lot eating Winchell’s donuts
10. Smoke a cigarette
11. Drink a beer
12. Wear a pigtail on the side of my head, like Chrissy from Three’s Company
13. Visit Africa, especially Tanzania and Kenya
14. Look at that dirty magazine my brother had hidden in his car
15. Grow whiskers so I could shave my face just like my dad
16. Buy either a red Pontiac Sunbird convertible or a red Fiero
17. Get paid to play Oregon Trail
18. Make out with Janet Jackson and Paula Abdul and then watch them in a dance-off
19. Become mute so I wouldn’t be called on in class
20. Raise an army of badgers
21. Get Janie to take her shirt off
22. Sing the songs that I want to sing
23. Tell that one guy what a butthole he was, push him to the ground and watch as my classmates laughed at him and then kicked him in the nuts.
24. Light fires
25. Touch a boobie

The top five people of note that I would like to have make me a sandwich.  Without a shirt on.

1. Terri Clark
2. Salma Hayek
3. Xena: Warrior Princess
4. Antonia and Stephanie of Top Chef Season 4 (they would need to make that sandwich together)
5. Jennifer Beals

• Alternate: Tina Turner, as long as she sings Private Dancer at the same time.

★

In other news, did you know that beer is good for kids?  Me neither, but it must be true because, look:

[via]

1. Bank robbery downtown, possible bomb
2. Bank robbery in Wedgewood
3. Shooting in the Central District
4. Car prowler evading police runs onto freeway and gets hit by a car
5. Bicyclist run over by a van and killed in Ballard
6. Seattle police are called to capture a runaway puppy in a park
7. Seattle police rescue a wandering goat
8. A man was arrested on Capitol Hill for firing a high powered air rifle from his third floor balcony
9. Some men robbed a store on Capitol Hill
10. Three soldiers arrested in a rash of robberies near the University of Washington
11. Car thief drive his Land Rover filled with 9 passengers on a 120-mph car chase, abandons car and also runs across the freeway, doesn’t get hit like that other guy, but was arrested.

Also, not in Seattle but still a sign of the Apocolypse:

A man has been caught with two pigeons stuffed in his trousers after he got off a flight from Dubai to Melbourne.

1. Anyone who stops in the middle of a sidewalk, aisle, other walkway, completely oblivious to the people behind or around them. MOVE TO THE SIDE, ASSHOLE.
2. People who do not give a courtesy wave after I let them cut in front of me in traffic.
3. Yeah, you. You know who you are.
4. People who steal other people’s stuff. Stuff they worked hard for while these thieves fucked around and decided the only skill they had was to steal shit that doesn’t belong to them.
5. People who dally in the crosswalk.
6. People who get up to the grocery store register and leave their cart in line and continue to shop.
7. Tom Cruise
8. Anyone who refers to a member of my family as a Nazi, publishes it in an online magazine, thinks an apology only when confronted will make up for it and leaves it there for my mom to find.  Yeah, fuck you.
9. Line cutters
10. People who bump into other people and don’t apologize or show any recognition that they just invaded someone else’s space.
11. Seth Rogan and anyone who thinks he’s funny.
12. People who constantly talk shit about other people and then wonder why they don’t have any friends.
13. Sick people who don’t do anything but complain about being sick, talk about how sick they are and then complain because no one cares that they’re so sick.
14. Those who antagonize and then alienate everyone around them and then feel sorry for themselves when it becomes quite clear that no one likes them.  Victims, the ones who are not really victims but act like they are.
15. Those two guys who sold us our condo.
16. This guy
17. People who are too stupid to use birth control properly and then complain about having to take care of a baby they don’t want.
18. Anyone who argues against gay marriage because it’ll lead to people marrying animals (it’s a slippery slope, you know!).
19. Each and every one of those CEO’s who mismanaged their company so horrifically that it collapsed or is near collapse, and then walks away from the ruins with millions of dollars in their pockets while employees and shareholders go broke.
20. Bill O’Reilly
21. Ann Coulter
22. Sean Hannity
23. That guy who tried to drive his BMW in the snow, but got stuck in the middle of an intersection because, you know, there’s snow and ice out there and he’s only in a BMW, without chains.
24. Anyone who says horrible things about gays but claims not to be a bigot because, HEY!  I have gay friends!
25. Famous people who seek the limelight and then complain they can’t get any privacy.