So much has changed the last year and a half and sometimes I look back at the way things used to be and it feels so strange, so surreal.  My relationships with almost everyone in my life have changed and some old friendships have faded and new ones have bloomed.  Janie and I worked really hard to have a strong friendship after the divorce and it seemed okay for a while, but then in early October she left one weekend and hasn’t come back, saying that it was a necessary part of her being able to move on.  As sad as it was, she was right.  I needed to live my life separate from her.  I needed to live in a way that wasn’t possible while we were still roommates or even friends. I do hope that one day we can rebuild a friendship, but my focus can’t be and isn’t on that right now.  I have a different life now, a healthier and happier life and that isn’t because I’m not living it with Janie, it’s because not living with Janie gave me the space and time to see things differently and want to grow and move in a new direction. I guess what I mean to say is that it isn’t something like – Janie isn’t in my life and now it’s better without her, it’s just different.

I sometimes sit and think about what has happened in the last year and how I’ve gone from falling completely apart to feeling better and stronger than I have in a long time- maybe the best I’ve ever felt.  I still go to therapy and still take medication but my depression is in remission and I’m feeling genuinely happy.  Therapy is probably one of the most precious gifts I have given to myself and just a couple weeks ago my therapist complimented me on how hard I have worked and how much I have grown.  We both sat staring at one another with smiles on our faces knowing we had both worked together to achieve some spectacular goals and I am so proud of myself for sticking it out.  There were some days where I would cry the moment I walked through his door and some where he’d talk to me and I’d just sit and listen and cry for 50 straight minutes, unable to speak at all.  I have such a better sense of myself, of who I am and how I function and I am so much more thoughtful about how I react.  I have miles to go, but the work I’ve accomplished is something I am genuinely proud of.

In the summer of 2010 I wrote a letter to a girl I hadn’t met yet, about how I knew she was out there in the world and when the time was right I’d find her, but until then I knew I had to work hard on myself so I could be a better me both for myself and the relationship we would build together.  I waited a very long time after the divorce to date again and after a failure or two, I met Valerie and knew almost instantly that I was going to fall in love with her.  It was so easy.  I would sometimes just look at her and think – I have waited a very, very long time for you. How much I write about her here is, actually, up to her.  Not everyone wants their relationship talked about in a blog.  As much as she allows, I will share our life with you.  I will say that I cannot wait for you to meet her.  She’s fucking amazing and hilarious and for as much as I love her, I also genuinely like her.  She is kind-hearted and sweet, intelligent, creative and fun.  Not to mention stunningly gorgeous.  I have no idea what she is doing with an idiot like me,  but I feel profoundly lucky that she takes the roofies I give her every morning that make her too weak and high to find her way out of the basement.

I think I didn’t follow up on the miracle of antidepressants. As it turns out, THEY ARE DELICIOUS. Tiny little miracles. I’m not quite 100% of myself, but I’m slowly getting there. Except I forgot to take mine today and we’re probably all going to die.  But here are some fun things to take note of regarding my crazy stoppers.   1) I’m taking a medication that, in addition to treating depression, is also used to treat premature ejaculation and post-stroke pathological crying, otherwise known as EMOTIONAL INCONTINENCE.  I shit you not.  I could not make this up if I tried.  I feel certain my doctor picked this particular medication because I said I’d been crying all the time and she thought – NOT ON MY WATCH YOU WON’T – so she gave me something that would make it impossible for me to cry, ever.  I’ve turned into Janie, is pretty much what I’m saying here.  The super good news, however, is that I stopped premature ejaculating everywhere, which is awesome because, man, WHAT A MESS. 2) My medication makes me dream what I can only describe at complete and total insanity.  It started easily enough, with awesome rage dreams of yelling at anyone who has ever hurt me or my family.   I woke up every morning feeling like I’d just processed the hell out of one relationship or another.  Then things got intense and weird and suddenly the Indigo Girls were paying a concert at my staff meetings and Bruno Mars was feeding me a Subway sandwich and Janie started dating someone I didn’t like and consequently became a drug addict.  There was also that one where I was staying at Cloris Leachman’s house except she lived not in a house but in a giant dresser and I had to sleep in the bottom drawer.

I also decided to go see a neurologist about my headaches because I’d been getting them for weeks at a time.  It was either stress or a stroke, I was thinking to myself as my left side went numb and I started speaking Russian for no explicable reason.  The neurologist at the place I’m forced to go, because my insurance is the worst imaginable insurance that exists in the world not counting most places because THIS IS MY MIDDLE CLASS, FIRST WORLD PROBLEM RIGHT HERE, did about two seconds of testing by waving his finger wildly around and telling me to follow it with my eyes.   He went so fast I got nervous and started to believe I might have a optic nerve tumor because my eyes weren’t working fast enough to follow the gang signs he was making in front of me (he’s a Crip).  Then he prescribed me two separate medications.  One of them, for use only when I have a headache coming on, might interact poorly with my anti-depressant by putting me on SEROTONIN OVERLOAD which sounds awesome until you know it means I’ll probably lose my fine motor skills.  WHEE!  The other medication, used to prevent migraines, is one I’m supposed to take daily and was originally created to treat epilepsy.  So you guys, I’m treating emotional incontinence, premature ejaculation, migraines, depression and seizures all with the help of three pills.  The most exciting thing, however, is that the preventative medication has a side effect of helping with weight loss.  So I’ve been taking five times the regular dose every day and I feel FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

In other news, Janie had decided she was going to move out of the condo and in with her parents in June and I was going to get a roommate, but then she remembered that living with her parents means LIVING WITH HER PARENTS and so she decided to stay because why live with your parents when you can live with your ex-wife?  This will prove to be incredibly exciting when we make the leap to dating other people and bring them home because HEY COME OVER AND MEET MY EX-WIFE which, I don’t know, still seems sexier and more promising than COME OVER AND MEET MY PARENTS.  I’ll keep you updated on how awesome that works out for us.

We both re-activated our OK Cupid accounts, which is fun (if fun means awkward and sort of depressing).  Earlier in the year we met different people at the same time, neither of which lived in Seattle.  Her friend was in Portland and mine in Atlanta, which works out really well not at all.  Anyhow, Janie’s lady friend started dating someone else and then I went to Atlanta, had some fun and then apparently went so fucking retarded that my friend can’t even speak to me anymore.  It’s like I keep living the same situations over and over again,  except this time I didn’t end up feeling like I should just die already.  So that’s improvement.

Last week I had a meeting with a new friend from OK Cupid (I’m talking about you, Kim!) who is awesome and funny and a writer and, best of all, she laughs at my jokes.  I try not to hold her unfortunate taste in socks and mobile devices against her.  I’m hoping that her writerly influence will inspire me to get busy and churn out more low-quality entertainment.  If it doesn’t and that makes anyone out there upset, send me an email and I’ll give you her phone number, address and email so you can let her know directly.

In closing, last night I threw a balled up wet paper towel at Janie and, in retaliation, she hit me in the face with one of the pet beds and I laughed so hard I peed my pants.

Amen.

These are the faces (well, one face and some hair) of divorce, my friends.  Today Janie and I celebrated our survival after a full year since the demise of our relationship.  We decided to commemorate the event with photos, champagne and s’mores.  I posted a photo of us on Facebook to commemorate the occasion and it made everyone confused and uncomfortable because some of them had no idea we weren’t together anymore and the rest have apparently never seen a couple of lesbians who are such good friends after ending their relationship – which is ridiculous because lesbians are always friends after their relationship ends.  It’s a rule.  It’s in the handbook they send with your toaster.

But, in all seriousness, I’m getting pretty sick of this shit.  I’m tired of crying, of being emotionally exhausted, of talking about my feelings and processing and going to therapy to process some more and relating and learning and feeling every god damn thing ever.  I’m over it.  OVER IT!  I want to stand on the street corner and scream that at everyone who walks by.

Hey you!  Homeless dude who called me a whore several weeks ago!  OVER IT!

You!  Sandwich maker – I AM SO GOD DAMN OVER IT.

I’m like Howard Dean when he lost his fucking mind after the 2004 Democratic Primaries…YEAAAHHHHHH!

I don’t really know why the last several months have been as hard as they have.  I just know it all started when my stupid therapist told me he was pretty certain that I wasn’t as happy as I thought and then I was like….*sobbing hysterically* YOU ARE SO WRONG. I FEEL FINE! Ever since then I feel like I’m on a trampoline and one minute I think I have gained some footing and the next I’m flung up in the air and I can’t make sense of anything.  I spend so much of my days just thinking:  What the fuck just happened?

All that said, I know something is happening.  Growth, change…all good shit.  I’m learning a lot about who I am as a person, about who I want to be and what I need to keep and what I need to leave behind.  I’m having a lot of fun working on what it means to let go and how that happens.  I’ve never been very good at it and more often than not it makes everything a thousand times harder than it should be, but I’m trying really hard to have patience and respect the process, respect my process.  Most of the time, though, I want to punch myself in the face.  Annoying.

Anyhow, more to come soon on things like my vacation and meeting and hanging out with Leah after nearly four years of a developing a friendship that means so much to me.  I also have some posts that are less about my feelings and more about animals and annoying people and that psychic Leah and I went to.  Life is really difficult right now, but it’ll get better.   I think.  Yes?  YES.  Well…it will get better but for now things are hard.  But they could be worse…

me: i am listening to the Enrique Iglesias song…video with lyrics…and i should not have been SHOCKED AT THE LYRICS since it’s called Tonight (I’m Fucking You) and YOU MENTIONED THIS TO ME WEEKS AGO but I SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD THE VOLUME UP SO LOUD

Janie has joined C has joinedme: yoooosssssJanie: uh oh.. .here we go..we’re drunk alreadyC: You two.me: i had chicken for lunchC: Thanks for inviting me!me: my kidney hurtswho will drive me to the ER?laterJanie: I am wearing contactsC: I appreciate knowing that you two think of me often.me: not now, i’m busy drinkingC: SUCK IT BITCHES!me: ducati is licking his assJanie: And I am drunk messaging a girl on okcI am not licking my assC: also, I think we all need to go to the sex shop soon.me: not yet at leastYES WE DOcan i just drink out of the bottle yet?Janie: Isn’t that kinda weird.. going to a sex shop with your ex wife? What will my FB friends think?C: Also, VODKA IS DELICIOUSme: vodka makes me VOMIT EVERYWHEREbarf barf barfi should be drink every dayJanie: Linsey! Stop! You haven’t even had any vodka yet!C: You think it’s weird that you would go to a sex shop with your ex wife, but not that your straight friend asked two lesbians to go with her?Drink up ladies! It’s early yet.Janie: no, that is perfectly normal in my worldme: maybe we three should open a sex shop OH MY GOD HOW FUNJanie: oh lord, help usI’m gonna message this chick for a sec, i’ll be right backme: We’ll call it WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL OUR SEX SHOP YAY!C: WHAT?How about FUCK ME, IT WAS A LONG DAY?me: Huh?C: A little play on words.me: FUCK ME, IT WAS A LONG ONEC: FUCK ME, AND MAKE IT A LONG ONEme: THREE GIRLS AND A SEX SHOPThat’s for the movie

me: Think about tigers. They have stripesi guarangteee that this eveining will nto end welli cant typeC: you never couldI don’t know why you think it’s always just that daythis night will end GREAT.it’s tomorrow morning that will suck the shit out of your ass.me: eewi have to run with george at 10am and then meet dana at 11am and then dieoh carrie MARK YOUR CALENDAR – we are all going to Girl4girl on The third Friday of next monthC: UGH. Why do the lesbians always make me ho there?GO THEREfuckme: then after that, the next outing, we can go to belltown and find you a dudebelltown billiardsmaybeC: I hate that placeme: me tooC: I do not do belltownme: okay where then. not your usual haunts cause they’re filled with d-bagsC: OUCHbut trueI am OBVIOUSLY not good at finding places where the boys be at.me: i will do researchC: yes, good ideaAlso, BOYS ARE STUPIDthey just don’t get itthey don’t know shit and they don’t get shit and then when they do it is to fucking late for everyoneme: girls are stuiderstupidernot us, but the restC: lets talk about not boys pleaseme: okay lets talk about weaselshave you ever seen one?http://thepraiseoffolly.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/long_tailed_weasel.jpgC: nothey don’t do much for meme: you’re coldCOLDthat’s a weasel and it is fineFIIIIINEC: It’s all the years of being cast aside. I am a cold hearted bitchit’s like a cold hearted snakewhich, btw, I would like to find that CD because I miss itme: look into his eyes, oh, oh oh oh, he’s been telling liesC: I used to sing along to it all.me: he’s a lover boy at play!C: I can sing the shit outta some PA.HE DON’T PLAY BY RULES.Girl don’t play the fool now

Janie: I am messaging with a lady… Hey, it’s a lady…me: i just texted a ladyC: you two suckJanie: you texted Leah, that doesn’t countC: kiss my mother fucking mexinadian assme: i hate ladiesC: you two are all sexting over there and best I got is grossing out [my] 12 year oldme: wouldn’t it be funny if this didn’t even have booze in it and i’m just insane and not drinkish?okay. i’m drunkC: It’s probably true

me: COME OOOOOOOOOOVERRRhow can we get you here?call your motherC: you two can take a cabor call georgeme: my leg is upC: we can get fucked upand go to 7-11and buy snacksme: doritos sound goodC: what about your leg?me: it’s upC: for what?you know what, I don’t need to knowShield me from that one. PleaseJanie: you REALLY don’t want to know, Carrieme: it means it’s UP…it’s comfortable. i can’t move when my leg is upC: OH EWWWWWme: NO GOD STOP YOU BITCHESC: don’t try and play that shit off nowget yer asses over herejanie, stop drinkingthen you two can be here by 9and continue drinking me: thn we have to leave by 10 be aus ei got o bed earlymy keyboard is obviously broken.  do you guys remember when i lived in west seattle and we 3 way drunk chatted?Janie: nome: cheese yumi doi was wastedJanie: ha!me: and i rememberJanie: was this on aol?me: yeahold schoolJanie: haha! That is so fucking long agome: i know!C: I do not rememberme: carrie YOU COME BACK AND REMEMBERoh hiC: fu I was playing on the ipodI was winningme: i love yuC: i need a refillSHE IS DRUNK<3me: :)C: :*me: yes iam:PC: :*:8:8fuckit’s not workingme: balls in your mouth – what that looks likei could probably be good at math right now

me: i could really enjoy a hot tacommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmthis is how i talk nowdirtyi hope you enjoy iti hope you enjoy it no one who listens!taco and taco and tacoJanie: hahahha!Carrie is still peeingC: Dude, I have been talking dirty since I could talk

me: i do not usually enjoy spaghettimaybe i will move to Bostoni was born in 19761968, i meanC: Ted Nugent rules!me: he’s kind of an assholeC: I have a feeling whipped cream and vodka will not mixme: did you know AC/DC was an Australian band?C: Did you know that the leg bone is in fact, NOT connected to the hip bone?me: what’s the leg bone, techincally?C: the femur.me: lemurs are coolC: it’s coo it’s coome: hahahahahahahaC: why is Janie not as invested in this as we are?I am appalled by her inactivity.Janie: ha ha!C: Nice comeback.Janie: i tryme: janie’s a doodyJanie: yesme: janie is acting awful and her attitude stinksJanie: oh yeah, I’m being terribleme: i want cookiesBRING ME COOKIES SOMEONE WHO CARES(no one cares)C: I am actually more sober than I would think considering all the factsI can bring you WHIPS and BROWNIESWhipmy arms are sore.me: yesbring itC: WHIPPING IT makes your arms sore.Janie: bring on the whips!C: Well, not if you do it right.me: hahahaC: Because you can be done in no time if you do it right.me: becky is a real bitchC: Just implore a little ingenuity and you can please any man.Tongue ‘em where they like it and you send ‘em through the roof. Each man has his own special spot.me: i dont please menjust like a ladyC: I AIN’T NO LADY.me: buttnoseWhen Becky flipped that plate she should have screamed PROSTITUTION WHORE!!!Janie: hahahahahaha!me: that’s a lot of eggs on that plateC: WTF are you two bitches babbling about?me: roseanneshe does not deserve that allowanceJanie: nope. the little bitchme: trains are loudJanie: yeah they are.. it’s a little scaryme: i think my kidneys are deadC: why is it so frowned upon to pick your nose if everyone does it?me: gus eats cat shitC: In some cultures urine is a delicacyme: urine is sterileC: it ISme: the morning pee is the most nutrient-filledC: I will pee on your leg if you need me toI am that good a friend.Are you two no longer drinking?me: i will pee on yours if you need it and sometimes if you dontC: I appreciate thatme: i cant drink anymoremy kidneys hurtdehydratedif i die, make sure my mother doesn’t bury me…i want to be cremated. NOT BURIED.Janie: the one you claim I kick in the middle of the night, even tho I’m in a totally different room?me: you spirit kick it.I KNOWC: Is that like spirit fingers?me: i guess soC: I think I need to be spirit fingeredAM I THE ONLY ONE LAUGHING?!me: hahahaha…nojanie keeps talking to meJanie: forget it, I’m not talking anymoreme: (she is, actually)

C: I need to put my kid to sleep. me: okJanie has leftJanie has joinedJanie: oops. I keep logging out accidentallyme: oops i crapped my pantsJanie: Oh.. I shit on myself…. I can’t stop crying…me: gross, janie.Janie: whatever, whoreme: i am so tiredJanie: me too.. it’s not even 9:30 yet… this is sadwe are lamewe are patheticme: i am on east coast time for no reasonJanie: ha!C: OK. I am going to bed. Night Whores.They are everywhere.I am one of them.Janie: are you really going to bed?Did you leave already?Am I here by myself?C: NO, but yes.Janie: Ok.. sleep well lady! Love ya!me: good night whorebag xoxoxoxoxoxoxlove you to bitsC: BUCK YOUnightme: buck you tooJanie: OUTme: OUT