uncouth heathen » Holidailies

Merry Christmas!

heathen — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 22:32:08 +0000

Later, when I’ve had a few too many egg nogs, maybe I’ll come back here and sing the new song that I just made up for Janie called Christmas Fetus.

For Janie

heathen — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 19:46:30 +0000

Janie and I were recently discussing the worst Christmas songs ever. She was telling me about the most horrifying song she has ever heard, called Christmas Shoes. Have you heard this terrible, terrible Christmas song? No matter. I happened upon this You Tube clip of Patton Oswalt going over the entire song. This is for Janie. You are not alone.

Gussy wishes you a Merry Christmas!

heathen — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 00:20:27 +0000

As I mentioned before, our Christmas card this year was the above photo of Gus. It is blurry because after three days of attempts at getting everything to work properly, I gave up. By the end, Janie and I were even more angry than when we put Ikea furniture together and I lose my cool because WHAT IS THAT AND WHERE DOES IT GO? He’s cute, sure. Yes, this is cute because dogs in Santa suits and bow ties are just that. But by this point I was so mad that nothing was going right that I had to stop because Gus was looking like he was going to take up drinking to get past the trauma and I was quite close to tossing my camera with it’s stupid, useless piece of crap flash into the fireplace. I did at one point throw my tripod across the room and break it. So that was a wonderful exercise in anger management. Happy holidays from all of us! Cherish this photo because I’m never going to do this again. No, absolutely not.

Briefly

heathen — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 18:12:02 +0000

I’ve been struggling with what to say about our Cookie Baking Day because, for the first time ever, there was no crying or swearing or arguing of any kind. In fact, the only mishap was when I accidentally quadrupled a recipe that I had only meant to double. While it was a recipe that is a family favorite and we’re all glad to have as many of those cookies as possible, it used up the rest of the eggs and butter and it wasn’t even past noon. Oops! Janie brought more ingredients from the store to save the day, and we managed to bake several other recipes before we were all so tired of cookies that we just threw them into the trash. And by trash, I mean my mouth.

I LIKE BALLOONS.

Janie and I, and mainly I and not Janie, began a tradition of sending Christmas newsletters to our family and friends a couple years ago. I write them and usually include several exaggerations and lies. Last year I lied about getting a puppy and included a stock photo of some young golden retriever. Of course, now we have a puppy so it is sort of like the Christmas newsletter is a place where dreams come true, especially if your dream starts out as a lie and ends up as a puppy who eats cat shit. Sadly, we didn’t have time to make up a newsletter for everyone this year so our hopes and dreams will have to wait until next year. In its place we’re printing Christmas cards with a photo of Gus and it has been this process that has brought all the rage I’ve held deep inside bubbling to the surface. If you look very closely at the final photograph that isn’t perfect but after three straight evenings of trying to get a hyper-retarded dog to sit still in a Santa suit, is definitely good enough, you’ll probably see the shreds of my sanity crumpled on the floor beside him. Next to my sanity you’ll find the remains of Janie patience, which fell off just before she started flinging f-words at me like she’d invented some hostile new Christmas carol, except there was no music and at the end everyone cries. If you consider the circumstances surrounding that mediocre shot, you’ll see that it is the saddest (and angriest) Christmas Card in all the world.

Drunk

heathen — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 06:02:53 +0000