Though female centaurs, called Kentaurides, are not mentioned in early Greek literature and art, they do appear occasionally in later antiquity. A Macedonian mosaic of the C4th BC is one of the earliest examples of the Centauress in art. Ovid also mentions a centauress named Hylonome who committed suicide when her husband Cyllarus was killed in the war with the Lapiths.

In a description of a painting in Neapolis, the Greek rhetorician Philostratus the Elder describes them as sisters and wives of the male centaurs who live on Mount Pelion with their children.

How beautiful the Centaurides are, even where they are horses; for some grow out of white mares, others are attached to chestnut mares, and the coats of others are dappled, but they glisten like those of horses that are well cared for. There is also a white female Centaur that grows out of a black mare, and the very opposition of the colours helps to produce the united beauty of the whole.

The idea, or possibility, of female centaurs was certainly known in early modern times, as evidenced by Shakespeare’s “Down from the waist they’re centaurs, / Though women all above”

I will just be over here, in the corner, cackling and gloating that I have just won the nerdiest fight in all of the greater Seattle area.

In April I posted Part I of Armageddon, a Tutorial.  Well, here we are in September October and I guess it’s time for Part II. We left off just before *TOOT! TOOT! TOOT!* The Trumpet Judgments:

You might think that someone like me, a heathen, wouldn’t know much about this subject, but surprise!   I played the trumpet for three years back in grade school – a CATHOLIC GRADE SCHOOL -  so I know a thing or two about trumpets and judgment.

Chapter 8 of our good friend Revelation tells of the trumpet judgments.  Every toot of the horn brings about a horrendous plague, each more awful than the one prior, except for the first one because there was no plague before it, only that angels hurling fire at the earth thing as discussed during Part I.  The trumpet serves as a warning, to build anticipation for what is to come, only really, if you’re reading this you won’t be surprised.  Maybe I’ll print out some pocket Armageddon guides so you’ll have it with you and you’ll know what’s next in the playbook.  God didn’t see that coming. Maybe I should have tooted my horn to build the anticipation.  Oooh, Lord!  Ya burnt!

After the first trumpet, we’re gonna get hail, fire and blood pounding down on the earth.  We’ll be used to the fire because the angels have already been hurling it at us and if you live in Seattle, like I do, you’re no stranger to hail.  Blood, on the other hand, is more serious and it really screams of biohazard, to me.  Whose blood is it, anyway?  If we test the DNA, what will we find?  That’s really what I want to know.  In my wild imagination, I picture everyone looking like Stephen King’s Carrie after those stupid jerks dumped that bucked of blood all over her.   Wasn’t that a horrifying movie that I should never have been allowed to watch at the tender age of 12?  Yeah, I know, right?   So the fire will burn up a third of the grass and trees which really seems like more of a punishment for sweet mother Gaia than for any of us, but whatever.

Toot number two brings us something that I imagine will be fun to watch.  I hope they have a news helicopter in place to see that giant burning mountain plummet into the sea that is supposedly coming to an Armageddon near you.  Then the sea will turn into blood (it’s going to take weeks for them to analyze all that blood in a  lab, if TV accurately portrays how long all those DNA tests take.  They might want to consider borrowing one of those offshore oil rigs.)  A third of all the ships will sink.  No word on the smaller sea vessels, but if I were you I’d give the dinghy a rest that day.  Also, a third of all the fish will die, which is a shame because I love fish, especially tuna and salmon.  I cant imagine I’m going to be all that interested in eating any of the 2/3 of fish left if they’re spending their days immersed in seas of blood.  Also, what did they do to deserve this?  Further proof that God can be such an a-hole when he’s drunk.

Oh, I’m sorry, it looks like I neglected to consider the freshwater fish, which will be spared until the third trumpet.  A star called Wormwood (translated from the Hebrew term “looks like an ‘n’, squiggly line, sort of resembles a ‘y’, squiggle”) will fall onto the earth and poison streams and rivers and that pond in the back of the house where my grandparents used to live.  Did you know that when the pond freezes over the fish are still alive?  And if you crack the ice, they die?  (That’s what my dad told me and if you say he’s wrong you’re a liar and a jerkface.)  Yeah, that’s because God was high on cocaine when he made biology.  How else can we explain things like sperm, the platypus and Rush Limbaugh?   Also, this star?  This Wormwood star?  It will make the waters bitter and it will kill many men.  Many people will die of bitterness and I know at least 2-1/2 of them.   Now, there are people who are trying to mess with the Bible and make it more “believable” (they’ll call it interpretation, I’ll all it fakery).  These are people who think they’re some hot shit who can take this sacred text of totally made up historical fiction and turn it into something real with their magical back in time ability to cause something to be that never was or could be.  They want us to believe them when they explain that oh, no, Wormwood isn’t a STAR, it’s  METEOR.  Because now we have science and telescopes and shit and don’t be retarded ancient world, a star isn’t going to fall on earth and if it did we’d all be dead right then, not from bitterness, but from HOLY SHIT WE ARE OBLITERATED BY THE HEAT OF A FUCKING STAR.

God sure does enjoy his fractions, because the fourth trumpet signals a dimming by 1/3 of the sun, stars and moon.  And you know what, suckers?  The sun is a star and the moon only reflects the sun’s light SO I GOT YOU THERE!  I only paid attention in science class until the 4th grade and I know more than you do.  You just got OWNED by a 4th grade science education.  HAHAHA.

Trumpet number five would make for a wicked-cool horror movie starring Jon and Kate Gosselin because there isn’t anyone I can think of who I’d rather see get ravaged by indestructible locusts that “resemble war horses with crowned human faces and having women’s hair, lions’ teeth, locusts’ wings, and the tail of a scorpion.” (this is not a locust it’s a frankenlocust.  Also, what exactly is “women’s hair” when it is not on a woman, but on a frankenlocust?)  Apparently people are going to try to commit suicide because the pain of the frankenlocust attack is so bad and the joke’s on us because death will not come.  Some think that believers will be sealed by God and therefor the locusts will not attack them and all this means is that Janie still has a chance.  These awful locusts will be led by Apollyon, which at first I thought was Apollo Ono and I thought it was kind of weird that an ice skater would be a demon from Hell, but then I thought that maybe he just likes it so who am I to judge?  But them I saw that Apollyon is someone else entirely and while I can’t say he does or doesn’t like ice skating, I can say that he is a real asshole regardless.  So Apollyon, also known as Abbadon because he’s taking a cue from P. Diddy and changing it up whenever he feels like he’s not getting enough attention, and his locust army will plague us and cause such terrible awfulness that we’re gonna want to drown ourselves in the bitter waters of Trumpet 4, but what they don’t know is that I am married to a woman who holds a knife in the most unnatural ways when she is chopping vegetables and very little makes me want to kill myself more than that.  Sorry, Apollyon, try again.

The sixth trumpet blast is where things really start to heat up.  Over 200 million horsemen kill 1/3 of the wicked left on the earth.  That’s right, Janie, you’re now being called wicked.  WICKED-COOL.  They will kill this fraction of people using massive strikes, fire and smoke.  Mostly I imagine it like this time the kids from the sandwich shop down the street were on strike because some guy got fired for smelling like he was drunk, but he wasn’t drunk, he just had been drunk the night before and the stench of booze was just because he used to be drunk but really, swear to God, wasn’t drunk anymore.  Anyhow, they had a strike, no one was making sandwiches and hungry business people in Seattle were dying on the sidewalk because they needed their foot-long.  Imagine this on a massive, large-scale view – worldwide striking at sandwich shops, steak houses, fast food chains, school cafeterias, grocery stores, high school gym concession stands and that one guy selling edamame at the train station in Tokyo.  MASSIVE STRIKES because the horsemen said so and then they build a fire and they smoke.  And somehow, 1/3 of us all die, die, die.

The seventh and final trumpet involves zombies.  This is all the rage now, I realize.  Vampires and zombies.  So we get a blow from the horn and the dead are raised.  There is no plague.  There is only the sound of the trumpet giving glory to God.  And then zombies eat our brains and use the hollowed out skulls as bowls and they have an ice cream party.  I added that last part myself because otherwise this is all very anticlimactic.

Thus ends the first 3-1/2 years of the Tribulation and brings us to the midpoint where some important things happen in quick succession:  Those two witnesses I talked about in part I, the ones who are awesome with their ability to breathe fire upon people who attempt to harm them? Yeah, well, this is when they die at the hands of the Beast!  The Beast of Beasts “ will make war against them, overcome them, and kill them” (Rev. 11:7).  This war isn’t like a regular kind of war with guns and knives and pull out couches and it isn’t like that movie War of the Roses where they toss plates at one another, this shit is serious.  It’s a fiery fiery killy show and these two badasses who I have named Xena and Gabrielle, die.  Then they are resurrected, but not in secret like Jesus.  No, they’re in this for the show, they want people to see the error of their ways, Janie.  They want you to know that this is the real deal.  So they are resurrected in front of everyone the world over and they fall in love and make out.  I don’t know how…it’s a mystery.  God is a mystery.  Ye shall not doubt him. It says so in that Bible.

You’re going to think I’m making this next part up, but this is serious.  A whore walks into the apocalypse.  Serious.  A WHORE.  Not just a whore, actually.  THE WHORE.  The Whore of  Babylon.  And I’m not talking about that woman starring opposite Bruce Boxleitner on the science fiction show Babylon 5 (though I’ve heard rumors…), I’m talking about the great whore of Revelation, Chapters 17 and 18:

And the woman was arrayed in purple and scarlet color, and decked with gold and precious stones and pearls, having a golden cup in her hand full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication.

And I’m just gonna let you sit and think on that for a while.  Hopefully not for another six months, but for a short time.  Conjure in your minds eye what this woman looks like.  I’m thinking Elizabeth Taylor’s Cleopatra as my personal visual, but you have to get your own.  So stir that around in your pot for a while; massage those mind grapes and see what you come up with.  We’ll come back together in a few weeks and explore our thoughts and feelings about who this whore really is and why she’s holding that filthy, dirty, naughty little cup.  I bet you didn’t know this Bible was so fucking fantastic, did you?

Watch the trailer for 2012 starring John Cusack

¹Quoted from Scary Movie

“I will participate in the demonstrations tomorrow. Maybe they will turn violent. Maybe I will be one of the people who is going to get killed. I’m listening to all my favorite music. I even want to dance to a few songs. I always wanted to have very narrow eyebrows. Yes, maybe I will go to the salon before I go tomorrow! There are a few great movie scenes that I also have to see. I should drop by the library, too. It’s worth to read the poems of Forough and Shamloo again. All family pictures have to be reviewed, too. I have to call my friends as well to say goodbye. All I have are two bookshelves which I told my family who should receive them. I’m two units away from getting my bachelors degree but who cares about that. My mind is very chaotic. I wrote these random sentences for the next generation so they know we were not just emotional and under peer pressure. So they know that we did everything we could to create a better future for them. So they know that our ancestors surrendered to Arabs and Mongols but did not surrender to despotism. This note is dedicated to tomorrow’s children…” – an Iranian blogger

[via]

I’ve been reading the Left Behind series and then I watched part of the History channel’s Armageddon week and I’m here to clear up any misconceptions you may have on the subject because I consider my Doomsday studies to be complete and myself at the forefront of End Times knowledge.  For example, I now know that Armageddon is NOT about how Bruce Willis will save us from an asteroid when NASA sends him into outer space with his surly team of misfits.  That was just a movie.

Armageddon is where the final battle between God and the Devil will take place.    Some people believe Armageddon to be a derivative of some Greek and Hebrew stuff that basically boils down to a place called Megiddo (or Har-Megiddo, Har meaning funny and Megiddo meaning that place over there where they’re fighting)  where many ancient battles were fought.  If you need to find a  place in your mind’s eye to follow along visually, think of Armageddon as a WalMart the day after Thanksgiving.  Some Christians believe thee Last Judgment will not take place at Mageddon, rather in the Valley of Jehosephat, named after a young boy who was relentlessly teased in school because of his thyroid condition.  He smote them all in a valley and then said, of his thyroid afflicted comrades (as reported by King James), “I will also gather all nations, and will bring them down into the valley of Jehoshaphat, and will plead with them there for my people and for my heritage Israel, whom they have scattered among the nations, and parted my land.”  It looks like one group of Christians will be pretty disappointed on  the day of Armageddon when they show up to their special spot and realize their tickets only get them front row seats to a monster truck rally (I went to a monster truck rally once, when I was younger.  It was very loud and we left after 15 minutes because, hey, monster truck rallies are stupid).

Dispensationalists believe in a literal interpretation of Armageddon from the Book of Revelations.  In case you didn’t know, because you’re not a religious scholar like me, dispensationalism is, basically, the evangelical arm of Christianity brought to us by the Protestants.  Dispensation means to dispense, or give out, especially when and where not wanted.  These are the people who preach to us about the Rapture.  These are also the people who brought us the Left Behind series, Jerry Falwell (hey, side note regarding this piece of shit Falwell, his ex-speech writer turned gay activist is competing on the current season of the Amazing Race with his son) and Kirk Cameron.  For brevity, we’re going to stick with this dispensationalist version of events.

One important thing to remember is that The Rapture and Armageddon are not the same thing, but are somewhat related.  Let me break it down for you.

The Rapture is the event in which certain Christians, true Christians, not you bullshit Christians who only go to church on Christmas and Easter because they give free donuts and coffee, are swept from Earth to heaven, to chill with Jesus in his infinite crib in the sky, where they will remain until some time later, when the shit starts hitting the fan.

Rapture is derived from the Latin term Raptus, meaning to rap, or to beat box while talking about your gat and your bitches.  The Greek term is harpazo, meaning to harp on, or pester.  All together it means to be taken away in the beauty and splendor of angels with trumpet music and fanfare while the rest of us are left to toil away in a world without art.  Or something.  Honestly, I made that up.

According to Aurelia T. Fule, some lady living in New Mexico, the Rapture can be broken down into five acts, as told in Thessalonians.  First, we have The Return of Christ, followed by the Resurrection of Believers, then comes the Rapture of Living Believers, next comes the Big Trip to Heaven and lastly, we will experience Reassurance, Comfort and Encouragement.  Unless you’re burning in Hell.

Pre-Tribulationists believe that The Rapture will happen before the Tribulation period.  Others believe it can happen in the middle or at the end.  The Bible is like that – so confusing.  It’s a miracle anyone can make sense of it at all, but thank God for the evangelicals.  They make everything so much easier for the rest of us by translating the Bible with their special decoder glossolalia.  So for brevity’s sake I’m sticking with Pre-Tribulationist ideas because that’s what the Left Behind series is talking about, and it appears to give me a chance to change my mind about loving the Lord in the middle of all the shit going down.

So picture it, Earth, December 2012.  Millions of people disappear completely.  Chaos.  Car accidents, plane crashes, explosions, death, dismemberment, live nude girls, total mayhem.  Serious shit is going down.  People are freaking.  No one can find Ja Rule.

Then comes the Tribulation.  This is serious shit, right here.  Those of us left have a choice to make.  We’re either with the evil-doers or against the evil-doers.  If you’re like me, and you plan to take this second-chance opportunity to say NAY! to the Antichrist and YAY! to the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ when you notice all those piles of clothes and cell phones and purses and wallets filled with money people no longer need littering the streets and sidewalks, so they won’t miss it when you take it, then you’re in for a long, hard fight for your very soul.  Everyone else is just fucked.  Totally fucked.  Sorry about that, but the choice will be yours.  There is still time, Janie.

The Tribulation is a seven year period of time after the Rapture of  believers, where the left-over, awakened followers of God go through some troubled times, my friends.  The Antichrist, not to be confused with Annie Christ of Burning Well, PA, will rise up with his partner in crime, the False Prophet or The Beast (not to be confused with that new show starring Patrick Swayze or my sister’s dog).  Two witnesses will appear.  They will be unstoppable.  They will preach the word of God and breathe fire out of their mouths to kill those who try to stop them.  They will be wicked cool.  I want to be one of them.  Janie can be the other.  We will fire-breathe the shit out of everyone who tries to cheat us or steal our donuts and bacon.

“‘And I will give power to my two witnesses, and they will prophesy one thousand two hundred and sixty days, clothed in sackcloth.’ These are the two olive trees and the two lampstands standing before the God of the earth. And if anyone wants to harm them, fire proceeds from their mouth and devours their enemies. And if anyone wants to harm them, he must be killed in this manner. these have power to shut heaven, so that no rain falls in the days of their prophecy; and they have power over waters to turn them to blood, and to strike the earth with all plagues, as often as they desire. When they finish their testimony, the beast that ascends out of the bottomless pit will make war against them, overcome them, and kill them. And their dead bodies will lie in the street of the great city which spiritually is called Sodom and Egypt, where also our Lord was crucified. Then those from the peoples, tribes, tongues, and nations will see their dead bodies three-and-a-half days, and not allow their dead bodies to be put into the graves. And those who dwell on the earth will rejoice over them, make merry, and send gifts to one another, because these two prophets tormented those who dwell on the earth. Now after three-and-a-half days the breath of life from God entered them, and they stood on their feet, and great fear fell on those who saw them. And they heard a loud voice from heaven saying to them, ‘Come up here.’ And they ascended to heaven in a cloud, and their enemies saw them. In the same hour there was a great earthquake, and a tenth of the city fell. In the earthquake seven thousand people were killed, and the rest were afraid and gave glory to the God of heaven.” (Revelation 11:3-13 – New King James Version)

AWESOME.  This is like the most perfect ending to Xena: Warrior Princess.  THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED.  Seriously.  In my mind, Xena and Gabrielle were fire-breathing, drought-inducing plague bringers and when they were killed by the devil on their way to that place that time, they lay in the street for three days and then came back to life.  Again.  No, not like that one time.  This will be different.  And then what, motherfuckers?  THEN WHAT!?  That’s right.  ZIP!  Off to heaven, where they will make sweet, sweet gay lesbian love for all of eternity.  Who else needs a cigarette?

Next up, in Jerusalem, a Third Temple will be built.  This is incredibly important to religious Jews.  They’ve been praying for it since the destruction of the Second Temple in 70.  Not 1970, just 70.  You’d think they could just build a temple and be done with it now, right?  Well, you’d be wrong.  The Third Temple has to be built on the same place as the Second Temple.  The problem is that there is already some stuff occupying that space and it’s protected as a matter of “international obligation.” Also, some people think it might not be the right place, anyway, and wouldn’t it suck if you went through all that trouble only to find out you built it about 500 feet to the left of where it was really supposed to be built?  Dispensationalists believe that the Temple will be rebuilt when the the Antichrist creates peace between Israel and it’s Muslim neighbors.  This is all after a war between Russia and the US where Sarah Palin will watch those commie bastards firing bombs from that scrap of land across the ocean into her house, destroying  Todd’s snowmachine racing awards.  The war will ruin the US and Russia either from nuclear fallout or that pesky Rapture or, perhaps, BOTH.  That bastard Antichrist will then use the Third Temple to declare himself God and demand we worship him in all his evil glory.  We are either with him or against him and JANIE, YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE!  We can fight this son of a bitch together along with our reformed friends and, in our eventual death, bask in the glory of God’s love as good friends, not lovers, because that’s unnatural and ungodly.

Then comes the heavy-hitting stuff.  The Judgments.  This is where you should maybe get up, have a stretch and think about your life.  Get a sip of coffee and a snack.  Carrots are delicious.

First, we have the Seven Seal Judgments.  This has nothing to do with Heidi Klum’s husband and trying to figure out what happened to his face  (I’m guessing knife fight with a hooker).  It has everything to do with your immortal soul.  The first seal releases the Antichrist upon the earth atop a pretty white pony.  At the outset, he’ll appear to be a decent guy.  Sort of like how cats appear cute and fluffy and sweet, but the moment you forget to scoop a litterbox, they shit on your pillow and scratch your face.  The second seal changes the white pony to one of a fiery red.  OOHH…a pony on fire, running free across the plains!  This means that the Antichrist will show his true, murderous colors and he’ll start wars, like he’s playing a quick game of Risk with some kids from school back in 1984.  The third seal opens and the apocalyptic horse is now black, like a piece of burnt toast.  Famine and disease plague the land and we’ll all start to starve and die.  Seal number four turns the pony to a pale color.  That horse is dying and so are the rest of us.  Roughly a quarter of the world populations will die.  Make amends while you can, friends.  Those nonbelievers who die go to Hades, a place of torment, until the 1000 years are up (to be covered in a future installment!) after which those sad sacks will go to fire and brimstone and a Celine Dion concert.  Seal number five will have all the martyrs of heaven railing against God, asking why he is letting all this happen, begging him to end the suffering on Earth, trying to offer him a Snickers to satisfy him.  He will not give in, because the Bible says he can’t give in and maybe God can’t change his mind?  The next seal is perpetrated directly by the hand of God and, I shit you not, if I am still alive I’m going to freak the fuck out.  EARTHQUAKE!  So fierce that every piece of land and every mountain will be moved.  And can you believe it – some people (Janie) will not be swayed!  They will not believe and open their hearts to God.  Seriously?  What will it take?  Maybe seal number seven will do it for you, when an angel throws shit at the earth and causes lightning and thunder and another earthquake.  Seven angels will line up for the next seven judgments called *TOOT! TOOT! TOOT!* The Trumpet Judgments.

(to be continued…)

Please enjoy this Armageddon flow chart.

¹Quoted from Apocalypse Now