by Fred Astaire

What kind of sickly little nellies are they allowing to compete on Dancing with the Stars this year? The past two weeks has been filled with bitching and moaning about oh, my flu. I’m filled with the flu. The flu has be down and I need to go home to sleep. BOO HOO! I’m sorry I’m a failure at life.
Back when I was on Dancing with the Stars, we didn’t cry about having the flu. We didn’t let our professionals take days …

by a Dixon Ticonderoga #2 Pencil

Do you remember the days when ballots and test forms were filled out with your old pal, #2? Don’t be gross, I’m talking pencils here! Well, that time has come and gone and most election offices around the nation have people filling their choices in with ballpoint pens, checking their candidates off through a touch-screen or punching chads like a motherfucker. Well, times certainly have changed and technology has passed by your old pal, #2. But I don’t want you to …

by a Casio Keyboard

Last night I watched the second presidential debate between Barack Obama and John McCain. I know I’m not alone when I tell you that it was a bit of a snoozer. There were the same old canned responses and jabs as we’ve seen in the preceding months, only with slightly more hate-fueled ranting by Senator McCain.
I’m thinking that John McCain needs to lighten his stumping and vociferation with the soft touch of my classical rhythm. He can set the mood with the press of …

by a Kitchenaid Hand Mixer

Oakland Raider’s leather-faced, septuagenarian owner Al Davis fired second-year coach Lane Kiffin, the youngest head coach in NFL history, after only four games.  A year’s worth of rumors were confirmed in a press conference held by Davis, who read a three-page statement under the bright light of a desk lamp.
What Davis did not say during the press conference was that my design features a “powerful motor…and non-tip heel rests to help you achieve the most professional results.”  My accessories are dishwasher safe, allowing quick and easy …

I was a member of the OSS alongside Julia Child. I don’t know why she’s getting all the glory while I’m left here to rot with nary a mention. All Julia ever did was type up a few letters and bring in scones and muffins twice a week. This was before she hooked up with Jaques Pepin and became a big shot chef. Back then she was just Julie McWilliams, the secretary from Pasadena who made those shitty muffins in the break room.
I thought that the …