A few days ago I was sitting at work and I had a craving for booze.  This is notable because I don’t usually drink unless Janie is diagnosed with a horrible disease or our friend Carrie updates her Facebook status with another cryptic message about feelings.

When I do decide to have a little something, it’s usually in the form of the sweetest champagne or wine you can find – something so sweet that children would mistake it for juice.  Delicious, delicious juice.  My only other deviation is a Mojito and I usually only have those when I’m in Las Vegas and then Janie has to take away all my money.

So it was a surprise when I was sitting at my desk thinking about whiskey.  Even more surprising that I spent my lunch looking up recipes for whiskey sours and other delicious-sounding whiskey drinks that include ice and whiskey.  Like whiskey on the rocks!  Whiskey with ice!  WHISKEY!  I’m going to name our next pet Whiskey, especially if that pet is a baby.

Before I went home that day, I stopped at our local grocer for lemons and pie.  The lemons were for my whiskey and the pie was for my mouth-hole.  Pie is delicious, you guys.   Except for pumpkin pie which is a terrible waste of time.  Yes – yes, you! – you ugly pumpkin pie with your pumpkin and spices.  You are not delicious!  There.  I said it.

So I got home and I juiced a lemon into a tall glass.  We got these two awesome Bodum Rigi Stacking Double-Wall Thermo glasses from Janie’s aunt this summer.  She was here for a food-bloggers conference and since her bags were too full to pack all her food-blogger conference swag, she was forced to give us her leftovers, which is awesome because it was not cheap stuff in there.  I could have sold it on eBay and bought several pies (not pumpkin).  We kept almost everything, though, including these Bodum glasses which I would like many more of, please and thank you.  They are lovely and light and they go really well with delicious whiskey!

So I made a delicious concoction, only there was so much lemon and whiskey together in such a small area that I got nervous.  I didn’t want to get wasted after only two swigs.  No, I did not.  I’m not a small girl, but I do have very little tolerance to alcohol, so I needed to make sure the drink lasted longer and that it was not strong.  So I filled the rest of the glass with diet coke.

Listen, people.  Listen good.  That drink was delicious.  It was so delicious that Janie, lover of gins and tonics and more gins and more tonics, asked for several sips.  And then she asked for more sips and then she drank the rest of it.  I had about 1/3 of it and Janie drank the rest.  So I made another and Janie drank about 3/4 of that one.  We sat on the bed watching the final season of the L Word  (which, I might add, we did not hate) and every time that bitch Jenny did something horrible, Janie asked for another sip!  And let me tell those of you who do not know the L Word or have not watched far enough to understand, that bitch Jenny did a lot of horrible things.  She did so many horrible things that the entire season was about how horrible she was.  She was so horrible that she died and when she died, no one really cared, except for Lucy Lawless who played a cop (which was the biggest tragedy of the final season – that she was so underused in her role.  I mean, come on, would it have hurt so bad to put her in a little leather and let her fight crime with her round killing thing?).    Yes, I realize this is a very nerdy and very lesbian part of this story, but it is what it is.  Yeah, you heard me…IT IS WHAT IT IS.

Then, last night, as we watched the last of the L Word and then watched Xena: Warrior Princess because they finally cut off our free cable, the same cable that they were supposed to cut off two years ago but for whatever reason, even after several phone calls amounting to me telling them – HEY, YOU DID NOT TURN OFF THE CABLE.  I CAN SEE IT RIGHT NOW.  THERE IS DELICIOUS FREE CABLE ON MY TELEVISION AS WE SPEAK – and their denying that we were accessing this free cable they claim they turned off but in fact, they did not, I made us another drink of delicious whiskey/lemon/diet coke and Janie kept drinking it.  Drinking and drinking.  And this is our relationship.  I make myself something delicious,  Janie asks for some, she asks for more and then she takes the last of it.  Sometimes I actually offer her the last of it, but sometimes I do not.  These delicious drinks in particular I was sharing, but I certainly made no overtures that it was okay to keep it on her side of the bed.  I never suggested it might be appropriate that she keep the cup next to her.  Oh, but she did.  SHE DID.  And then, when I made note of it, something akin to “HEY!  WHERE IS MY FUCKING DRINK YOU DRINK THIEF”  she picked it up and offered me the last sip, which we all know is backwash and, in this case, backwash and lemon seeds.  RUDE!  Then we got in a fight about whether or not there was such a thing as female centaurs because this is what nerds do when they’re drunk, okay?  THIS IS WHAT WE DO.  And by we, I mostly mean Janie because I also have other, cooler interests like video games and spending money at Home Depot, Costco and Target.

Tonight Janie works late and I’m going to sit in my home with my cats and dog and yarn animals of various shapes and sizes, and I am going to drink my drink and not share it with anyone but Gus.  When Janie comes home, there will be nothing for her but her wife passed out in the hallway with nothing on but a ski hat and a tutu.

WHISKEY DELICIOUSNESS

Fill a tall glass 1/3 with crushed ice
Pour in the juice of one lemon
Add 1-2 tbsp sugar
Pour in 1-2 oz. whiskey
Mix well (the sugar may settle, so it might server you well to use a shaker and go to town with it)
Fill to the top with diet coke and stir.

Drink while watching only the most shameful of television shows. Do your best not to share.

This is a chinchilla

About couple weeks ago we were out to dinner with my sister and brother-in-law and I had mentioned Emily’s email. My sister perked up immediately and asked all sorts of questions about the products and company name and went on and on about crackers. Apparently someone had brought some crackers and hummus to work one day and she was crazy for it. Seriously, she would not shut up about the crackers, even when I tempted her with a salted caramel cupcake.  So when I mentioned the email and the details, she was excited, which is why I took her with me yesterday when Gus and I decided it was time to taste-test some hummus.

We found a parking spot right away, which is unusual because there is never a parking spot readily available in Ballard on any given day, let alone on a Sunday near the farmer’s market. But my sister has some good parking karma so there we were, until some d-bag who had passed by moments earlier, decided it was appropriate to back up and block our access to the spot so he could take it. I was horrified by the injustice! I wanted to get out and say some things, but my sister said no, no let it go. Maybe someone will slash his tires while he’s gone, and I thought that maybe wasn’t good enough.  That is why, as we drove by him to find a new spot, I screamed DICK! out the window. That’ll teach him.

We found another spot and meandered toward the market as Gus dallied at every brick wall and telephone pole and used tissue in his sight.  After a quick stop at Snacks!, the store with nothing but SNACKS!, we found our way to the Sound Bites booth where a nice young man was offering samples and selling small cartons of delicious things.  My sister inquired about the crackers (they didn’t have them for sale there) and then I tried some of their hummus.  Delicious.

I just want you to know that I’m not saying this because they paid me to, or even because they gave me free food – which they didn’t (but Emily offered, which was nice).  I bought it.

Actually, that’s a lie. My sister bought it for me. I was wrangling Gus so I couldn’t get my money out in time.  I am not a deadbeat.  I WILL PAY YOU BACK, JENNIFER! (She doesn’t think I’m going to pay her back.  I know it.  She didn’t say so, but I can feel her judgment even these 11 blocks away.) Also, I did not drop that cupcake that I was holding for you – it fell.  It fell even if it looked like I flung it into the street.  Seriously.

Sadly, I didn’t get to meet Emily and the guy there didn’t know her or if she would be back another week and now I’m pretty sure “Emily” doesn’t even work there.  She doesn’t even know what hummus is.  Emily thinks chimichurri is a rodent native to the Andes mountain.  ADMIT IT, EMILY.  ADMIT IT!

This is chimichurri

In closing, Emily is a lie and Sound Bites is absolutely delicious.  In fact, I’m going to bribe Janie with it right now.  One bite of hummus for one top off.

Also, Emily, if you do in fact exist and work for Sound Bites, and if you want to sell me more chimmichurri and hummus and, apparently, crackers for my sister so she’ll shut up about them already, I’d like to invite you to do so.  I am happy to return to the market with Augustus and we are happy to meet you and enjoy your company and take your picture and retract the vicious lies I’m spreading about you, such as:  Emily hit me with her car when I was walking to the bus this morning.  Before she drove off, she threw a box of angry chinchillas on me.  Did you know they spray urine when they’re upset?  Well, Emily apparently did.  You cannot get that smell out of your hair for anything.  EMILY!