Restart

It’s day one of National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo) and I’m trying to use it as a tool to dedicate myself to writing again.  Writing has always been how I express myself, work out the toughness inside of me, settle some confusion and look deeper inside to pull out answers I’m seeking.  I’ve made so many excuses to stop, maybe in part because I was afraid of what I’d find.

It has now been five and a half years since Janie and I split up, and that moment is important because it signals a shift in so many pieces of my life that I’m still working hard to grasp and find my way through.  I’ve had so many difficult moments these years and then still so many beautiful ones.  It’s sometimes hard to see the beauty from the depths of the despair that sometimes clouds my mind, but they’re there and I have to work to remember them.

I stopped writing here after that split because so much of my writing was focused on the life Janie and I had together.  Then it became hard because I wanted to respect our relationship enough not to put the details out here for anyone to read and try to create a narrative that wasn’t true for either of us.  After Monica and I stopped speaking, I had more reasons not to write because I’d found in her so much inspiration and suddenly it was gone.  I also didn’t want to bare a soul, mind and heart that were already so battered…I didn’t want to show what felt like weakness and confusion.

The truth is that sometimes I feel weak and confused, frustrated and lonely, angry and afraid.  What I need to remind myself is that those things are okay  They’re real and they’re where I will find some of the answers I need in this life, so I can continue to move forward.  I will also find some answers in my moments of strength and vulnerability.  I’ll see them when I act courageously and speak with honesty about where and who I am in any given moment. Some of those moments will be beautiful and some of them will be dark, maybe even ugly  – but they’re all going to be absolutely me.  Pieces of me that makes up a whole, gorgeous and perfect human being who is flawed.

We seem so often to expect perfection from ourselves – and then feel like failures when we’re not able to do everything exactly the right way in any given moment.  How much better we would all be to see that the power is in picking up and trying again, rather than judging our failures and leaving our dreams behind because we can’t achieve them perfectly and in record time.

My growth comes in realizing that I will fail, sometimes often, sometimes maybe I’ll be lucky enough to get one or two things right the first time.  But the value is in not judging that progress based on the rate of failure, it’s in the journey to success.  If I keep moving and I keep believing, I’m going to be where I need to and I’m going to make it from one destination to another.

What I’m going to show here, as I get back into writing about the things I love to write about, is my journey back to me.  Self-discovery, self-acceptance and the knowledge of who I am right now at my core.  I am fundamentally good.  Today I’ll start with remembering that and tomorrow I’ll build one block on top, recreating a foundation for the life I dream and believe can exist for me.  One step, one day, one moment at a time.