Process

I’ve developed a process for myself when I’m feeling like life and my mind have lost control.  Where I start is focusing inward – what am I missing or what do I need?  What I do then, is research.  I read books on science and spirituality, philosophy and memoirs.  I write quotes in notebooks and words that strike me.  I watch movies and shows about the spiritual journeys of other people.  Lately, Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday has been a favorite.

I consider going to church but I know that church isn’t my thing.  I like the conversation, the messages, the ideas shared in non-denominational places – but the similarity to my childhood experiences in the Catholic church always tear me away from the good stuff as I sit in discomfort, remembering places that never made me feel particularly welcome.

I’ve longed for people in my life to sit and talk with me about their beliefs.  I have a coworker who is a Seventh Day Adventist, and we spend many mornings before others arrive talking about the bible, challenging one another and asking a lot of questions.  We know we have no hope of changing the other, but there is a mutual respect and joy in sharing our beliefs and learning.

In my family, in many ways, I am the odd one out.  I favor Eastern spiritual and philosophical practices.  I spend hours and thousands of dollars exploring my mind and heart in therapy.  I am on constant journey of seeking answers.  I am sensitive and emotional, creative and questioning.  I have an endless curiosity.  I sometimes wish I’d had this piece of myself fostered more as I grew up…I wish I had felt more understood and challenged.  I wish I’d not been given a set of beliefs and told they were right instead of starting early to develop the truth for myself.

Maybe if I’d been given all of that, I wouldn’t be who I am now. Maybe I’d be less curious or more settled, but here I am and I’m working hard with what I’ve got.  My spirit is eternally searching for the truth, and though I have my doubts about ever reaching the apex of that sort of knowledge, I find myself getting closer every day.