I’ve developed a process for myself when I’m feeling like life and my mind have lost control. Where I start is focusing inward – what am I missing or what do I need? What I do then, is research. I read books on science and spirituality, philosophy and memoirs. I write quotes in notebooks and words that strike me. I watch movies and shows about the spiritual journeys of other people. Lately, Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday has been a favorite.
I consider going to church but I know that church isn’t my thing. I like the conversation, the messages, the ideas shared in non-denominational places – but the similarity to my childhood experiences in the Catholic church always tear me away from the good stuff as I sit in discomfort, remembering places that never made me feel particularly welcome.
I’ve longed for people in my life to sit and talk with me about their beliefs. I have a coworker who is a Seventh Day Adventist, and we spend many mornings before others arrive talking about the bible, challenging one another and asking a lot of questions. We know we have no hope of changing the other, but there is a mutual respect and joy in sharing our beliefs and learning.
In my family, in many ways, I am the odd one out. I favor Eastern spiritual and philosophical practices. I spend hours and thousands of dollars exploring my mind and heart in therapy. I am on constant journey of seeking answers. I am sensitive and emotional, creative and questioning. I have an endless curiosity. I sometimes wish I’d had this piece of myself fostered more as I grew up…I wish I had felt more understood and challenged. I wish I’d not been given a set of beliefs and told they were right instead of starting early to develop the truth for myself.
Maybe if I’d been given all of that, I wouldn’t be who I am now. Maybe I’d be less curious or more settled, but here I am and I’m working hard with what I’ve got. My spirit is eternally searching for the truth, and though I have my doubts about ever reaching the apex of that sort of knowledge, I find myself getting closer every day.