You and I

I thought of you tonight for the first time in years, wondering if you’d really been here all along, hidden away until it was safe for you to re-emerge, safe from the doubts of your existence; that the feelings inside of me are a mirage and in a moment you will turn to dust and blow in the wind.

I’ve looked for you in the eyes of women passing by, wondering if you’re also looking for me.  Will our eyes meet and we’ll know, two strangers on the sidewalk as the city passes by, thinking – there you are.  I’ve been waiting for you for so long.

I have been waiting for five years now.  I’ve tried and failed to love you, tried and failed again.  I’ve been so desperate to know you again that I invented you in others, but the truth has set you free.  I worried you no longer traveled in this time and space, all my chances gone.  I have missed you.  I have felt your shape in my heart and soul, carved out and missing.  I trace the edges with my fingers, mindful of the pain of what belongs but is not there.

I am not incomplete without you, rather I am complete enough with the idea of you.  I have been incomplete in those moments where I have doubted your existence, or believed in your death.  I am complete with knowing you exist in a world so cold, and even if my hands never find yours, my heart has always held you.