Four years ago, life filled itself with silence.
In the months before that happened, my life was resplendent with noise. There were endless words, echoes of laughter, the pulse of music, the gentle breaths of intimacy, the soft sighs and sobs as tears fell, the pointed words of disagreements and the pounding of a heart so filled with reverence and love. Monica and I met in late February/early March and from the moment we first spoke, it was as if life was suddenly so full where it had only just felt anemic. It was like that moment the Wizard of Oz turns from mono to technicolor. BAM. Alive.
Every waking moment I had was spent with her in some way. If we weren’t on Skype, we were messaging or texting or on the phone or writing emails. My days were consumed with this gorgeous human being that had magically appeared in my life in what felt like a burst of energy. We would come to refer to it as THE THING. And today, four years later, the unnameable. There is only this connection that defies explanation, and a feeling that in every lifetime we have ever lived, we have been together in some way. The red string of fate has followed us, unbreakable, tangled and messy, perhaps, but attached throughout time and space. In every lifetime, we find one another and are whole again.
I don’t share my deepest secrets anymore. The last four years have made me more cautious, less capable of vulnerability, more protective of my heart and soul. Were it this way years ago, had I been broken and then repaired myself, there may be no one in this world who I could ever say knows 100% of who I am. But here is this woman who knows me, who has every last secret I’ve kept, and even if I wanted to undo it, I couldn’t. What’s left with her is the best of me – the memory of a person who wanted to be known and who shared so easily.
In the three months our friendship and the unnameable thing developed between us, almost as if in a fury, we built a castle in the sky. The danger in that was keeping it steady and strong when there was no foundation. It became flimsy under the pressures of messy relationships, break ups and feelings until it crumbled and we abandoned it. But here we are, four years gone, and slowly we’re building the foundation so that we can then restore that castle. The magic is still there, inside of us. The moment we reconnected, it was clear that it had never left.
I often speak of our friendship as if it had been broken, as if it had fallen apart. Last week Monica corrected me; told me that if it had fallen apart, we wouldn’t be here together now. We are intact, strong, connected…nothing had fallen apart, it had just been left dormant. But in time, all those sleeping giants were reawakened. Slowly we rub the sleep from our eyes and stretch our achy limbs, before pushing ourselves up into the sunlight. We are only just awakening, but great beauty lives here, in us, and it is only a matter of time before you see that we are unstoppable when we are together. We are magic, bold and exquisite. We are enormity and preciousness all wrapped together in one, and with all that we are, we can and will change the world.
It may take some time, because progress is slow, but that moment will come.
We will blind you with our beauty.