Last we met with the intention of learning science things (that’s very technical lingo we use back in the laboratory. LA-BOR-a-tory meaning SNORE, this is boring, let’s go get ice cream. And that’s how science is made.) we discussed vomit and tears. Vomit and Tears is also the working title of the memoir I’m writing.
You can imagine that now I’m single, I can only think about two things almost constantly: vaginas and whether or not an octopus pees. So, in honor of the vaginas (vaginae? No one will answer when I ask what the plural of vagina is) I imagine on any unrelated female I see in person or in photos (yep, even yours), I decided to write about reproductive fluids. Skeet! Skeet! Skeet!
Female ejaculate is the ejaculate of a female. See what I did there? It’s like when you wonder what a hooker is and you look in the dictionary and it says a hooker is a person who hooks. And that’s what I like to call a real bullshit. Thanks for nothing, Oxford English Dictionary.
Female ejaculation is a highly debated topic among scientists. I’m guessing this is because some scientists have seen or had it happen and the others are just jealous. Science is like that – so bitter. My sources tell me that female ejaculation is real because they have done it or have seen it done on more than one occasion. I’m going to continue on as if female ejaculation is a real phenomenon and not some crazy, mythical, incredibly terrifying thing like “horses.”
Female ejaculate probably comes from the paraurethral (para, meaning two of and urtehral, meaning the Queen of Soul) glands which are also known as Skene’s glands (named after Scottish gynecologist Alexander Skene, who I think must have really loved yarn). The Skene’s glands drain into the urethra and may or may not be part of the g-spot. That’s what all this extensive research has given us – MAYBE. But MAYBE NOT. If that’s all it takes to be considered an expert, then I’m an expert on whether or not I’m writing this without pants on. MAYBE. But MAYBE NOT.
The Skene’s gland is homologous (homo, meaning gay and logous, meaning like a log but different) with the prostate gland, which is basically saying that when I was being formed into a tiny lady in utero (that’s like a lady in waiting, but smaller and useless), the glands in my “down there” became the Skene’s glands, but if I had become this “Brandon” my parents were hoping for, it would have become my prostate. This is why science is also calling the Skene’s glands the female prostate. So here I am, a sad single person with no one to tickle my lady prostate but myself. MAYBE. MAYBE NOT.
One clue that the male and female prostates evolved from a common place is because the fluids they release contain similar characteristics. One such similarity is human urinary protein 1 (because urine is number one, obvs) also known as uteroglobins (utero, meaning uterus and globins, meaning an evil or mischievous and grotesque dwarf-like creature), which are proteins found only in mammals.
Some science doers in Slovakia researched female ejaculation, but the study isn’t particularly well known because WHO EVEN KNEW SLOVAKIA WAS A THING. We sort of all just forgot about them in 1993 when Czechoslovakia dissolved because WHATEVER DUDES. We have our own problems. My headphones are missing an ear bud, that’s what I’m focusing on right now. But I digress…During the ten years the Slovakians researched female ejaculation and the female prostate, they discovered the following things:
- Vaginae are RAD (thank you!).
- The Skene’s gland has microscopic secretory cells. Secretory cells are cells that are so small they’re secret.
- Women secrete (to release, secretly) PSAs, which aren’t public service announcements, rather are prostate-specific antigens. This means that they must have cells similar to the male prostate because SAME SAME SAME.
- PSA levels rise with prostate cancer in men, just as they do with Skene’s glands cancer in women. Prostate and Skene’s glands tumors contain the same type of cells because SAME SAME SAME.
The conclusion is that the prostate and Skene’s glands are analogous (like anal, but different).
The big questions researchers are left with is why virtually all men secrete prostate fluids whereas only 10-50% of women are capable of female ejaculation. And first things first, what the hell kind of range is 10-50%? I mean, get your shit together science. I could have made that up in my own head for free or a box of donuts. I could have saved you so much money so that you could spend it trying to get actual real useful information at least within 5 percentage points WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE.
Maybe all women can or do ejaculate but we just don’t know it. Maybe it’s like two drips for some people and 2 gallons for another. Maybe it has to do with keeping hydrated. MAYBE. MAYBE NOT. I just made important science, sitting in a cafe in Seattle, and all it cost me was a bagel and an Italian soda.