Overheard on Facebook Messenger

Kim: is it too early for a beer?

Linsey: No. It’s Sunday. Football.

K: okay.

L: Beer and football go together

K: becuase i have nothing else but water to drink
i have no football
is that okay?

L: I’m watching football so I have that covered

K: does that make me an alcoholic?
thank you for being a friend

L: No, just thirsty

K: your heart is true
you’re a pal
and a confidant

L: And if I threw a party
And invited everyone I knew
Would I see the biggest gift would be from you?

K: you would see the biggest gift would be from me
and the card attached would say

L: Thank you for being my cunt!!

K: I felt the need to get you this big gift because I don’t have that many friends and I have low self esteem so I want to buy your love. Here is the biggest puppy I could afford. Good luck!

L: I like mine better

K: Yes. Thank you for being my cunt!!
I do to.
you win.

L: At least I win in friends!

K: i use to wonder what the biggest gift would be

L: I would say cunts but that’s clearly not true
I just snort laughed
I’m funny!!!
It’s a car
I hope it’s a car
Or a hooker

K: probably a hooker

L: Okay. That’s a good gift.

K: that’s a pretty big gift

L: A hot one.

K: what’s the biggest gift i could get you?

L: A hooker
I thought we made that clear

K: oh.
like a las vegas hooker?
or an aurora hookerim typing swhile senezing
hey, that was pretty good.

L: A hot, disease free, nice hooker who is good at the sex.

K: five sneezes.

L: Nice

K: dark hair?

L: Yes

K: out of towner?

L: Yes
A little bananas
Not tooooooo cray

K: i don’t need to ask about the cray. hookers are always cray.


K: i have this beer
it is a good beer
but it does not go well with this donut

L: And a self-employed one. No creepy pimps and gross sex trade shit

K: okay.
i’ll start composing the CL aid.

One hooker. 15–37% cray.
Must have dark hair and be from out of town.
No gross shit like bugs or boils.
Must be good at the sexing.
Please call Kim (this is a gift for Linsey)

L: thank you
Ps no cats

K: yes
but what about if it’s just a one night stand?
at your house?

L: That’s ok

K: you’d never even see the cats.

L: How many cats ,though?

K: okay. i’ll add that

L: What if they have 10 cats?
I guess that’s more cray than allowable

K: probably


  1. Robin O
    September 19, 2014

    My 10 cats are hissing in the general direction of this blog post.

  2. September 22, 2014

    YOU ONLY HAVE FOUR AND THEY ARE DELIGHTFUL. In fact, they are the only cats I love right now so CALM IT DOWN, CATS.

  3. September 23, 2014

    Well this is made of awesome!

    Also it kind of reminds me of my conversation about wine on Saturday with my (awesome) doctor:

    D: And…no, wine, right? (knowing look)

    S(my real initial): *snort* Um, yeah! Well….just a glass a night right now. None usually.

    D: Well that’s not really…oh, never mind.

    I’m totally calling it a win. Because I need as many of those as I can get right now.

  4. Fairydogmother
    September 23, 2014

    Hey, btw, did you know your email address doesn’t work?

  5. uncouth
    September 23, 2014


    it’s working for me! I’ve been getting emails!

    What the fuck! 🙂

  6. September 25, 2014

    Hmm…I tried emailing you and got an email in return saying it was not a real address. Then I tried again. same thing.

    Fuck my life, that’s totally something that would happen to me.

    Maybe I’ll try a third time to resend….

  7. September 25, 2014

    Good news: turns out I’m just an idiot. 😉

    Also, you have mail.

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