It’s been so long since I’ve sat in front of the computer really trying to write. It feels almost like I’ve forgotten how this works…what my creative process looks like. It’s going to take me a while to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing here now. Ever the impatient one, I’m already frustrated with not being able to just come here and let go.
So much has changed the last year and a half and sometimes I look back at the way things used to be and it feels so strange, so surreal. My relationships with almost everyone in my life have changed and some old friendships have faded and new ones have bloomed. Janie and I worked really hard to have a strong friendship after the divorce and it seemed okay for a while, but then in early October she left one weekend and hasn’t come back, saying that it was a necessary part of her being able to move on. As sad as it was, she was right. I needed to live my life separate from her. I needed to live in a way that wasn’t possible while we were still roommates or even friends. I do hope that one day we can rebuild a friendship, but my focus can’t be and isn’t on that right now. I have a different life now, a healthier and happier life and that isn’t because I’m not living it with Janie, it’s because not living with Janie gave me the space and time to see things differently and want to grow and move in a new direction. I guess what I mean to say is that it isn’t something like – Janie isn’t in my life and now it’s better without her, it’s just different.
I sometimes sit and think about what has happened in the last year and how I’ve gone from falling completely apart to feeling better and stronger than I have in a long time- maybe the best I’ve ever felt. I still go to therapy and still take medication but my depression is in remission and I’m feeling genuinely happy. Therapy is probably one of the most precious gifts I have given to myself and just a couple weeks ago my therapist complimented me on how hard I have worked and how much I have grown. We both sat staring at one another with smiles on our faces knowing we had both worked together to achieve some spectacular goals and I am so proud of myself for sticking it out. There were some days where I would cry the moment I walked through his door and some where he’d talk to me and I’d just sit and listen and cry for 50 straight minutes, unable to speak at all. I have such a better sense of myself, of who I am and how I function and I am so much more thoughtful about how I react. I have miles to go, but the work I’ve accomplished is something I am genuinely proud of.