I got an email recently from my friend Dana that said, “Please come back.” So here I am…back…writing words.
I’ve actually written several things…one post half-finished called Love Exists, one about that online dating website I joined and then un-joined, another about soul mates, another called What is Love and let’s just wrap them all up into one category and say I’ve been writing a hundred skrillion posts about love and relationships and MY FEELINGS and and we’ll refer to them all as I WILL BE ALONE FOREVER. Which most of the time I don’t think is true but a lot of the time feels like it is because (insert sorry feelings for myself here – who gives a shit).
Here’s a fun fact. I’ve never actually “dated”, rather I’ve just gone easily into one relationship after another. I’ve not been single since I was 20 and before that I was just confused about WHAT’S A GAY AND WHY DO I HAVE IT? and nothing else mattered. So this last year has been the longest stretch of time in over 13 years where I have not had a significant other. While it has been so good in many respects, especially as far as learning who I am in some incredibly important ways as well as what I need and/or want in a future partner, it has also been really difficult because I am at my very best when I am not alone. For a while I thought that was a problem…that I should be my absolute best self all the time, especially when I am alone, but it just doesn’t work out that way because I do not do well when I have only myself to make fun of worry about. I’m a lover…it is what I do and I do it very well and IF THAT MADE YOU THROW UP ALL OVER YOURSELF THEN I’M SORRY. Email me your dry-cleaning bill.
Janie and I were discussing the notion of “dating” this weekend and how we are terrible at it and confused by it and how we do not understand some certain things, like how people just disappear when they’ve decided they’re over you, or how people who say they hate playing games do nothing but play games and remember that one date I had that lasted one hour and afterward we didn’t even say goodbye we just walked away in opposite directions never to speak to one another again? What the hell? This is, in part, why I found myself sobbing in the bathroom of an Indian restaurant last weekend at a family dinner. Sometimes it just feels incredibly lonely, and you can be surrounded by the people you love the most in the world and they can do and say everything right and yet they cannot take away that giant hole in your heart that only a certain kind of love, of intimacy and connection, can fill. And so there I sat among my parents and siblings and their complete little families and I had never felt so alone and I could not control the tears that poured from my eyeballs. After I stopped crying long enough to make it out of the bathroom I slipped outside and texted Leah and called Carrie and, a little later, talked to my mom and then went back inside to awkwardly face everyone and pretend like EVERYTHING! IS! OKAY! And, really, it absolutely is. I have a great faith in love and that somehow, some way, some day…I will find my other half.
Anyway, I sort of lost my point in all that. I really just wanted to come here to say that I’m still here…around…behind the scenes trying to get my shit together, but I feel a little stuck. I’m creatively frustrated and the other day Janie told me she read some numerology thing and it said that people of my number are prone to creative blockages and I’m just crazy enough to buy that because FUCK THIS SHIT, I cannot write a thing these days without reading back over it and thinking I should throw the fucking computer right out into the street because CLEARLY THAT’S THE PROBLEM. Clearly. I mean, my god.
In closing, I just wanted to mention that my sister had a baby yesterday. It was pretty awesome and she came right out of the delivery room looking like a million fucking bucks. I mean, Jesus Christ, lady…the least you could do is look awful after giving birth to let your little sister feel good about herself for once, BUT NO. It is physically impossible for her to ever look bad. I swear to you, the only difference between pre and post birth was that her ponytail was askew. BULLSHIT. I can’t even manage to look any better than the homeless woman who keeps accosting me on the street corner, begging me to buy her sanitary pads and a latte, and here Jennifer is, giving birth and being wheeled around with this gorgeous little boy like she’s ready for her Baby GAP photo shoot. Of course, you know, it isn’t ALWAYS ABOUT ME (yes it is) so what I really should say, in all honesty and sincerity, is that my sister and brother-in-law now have an amazing son that I know is already loved beyond all belief. It’s a bit surreal but still absolutely a beautiful thing. I’m incredibly lucky to have two of the best nephews in the world, both of whom I will spoil like crazy to ensure that I have someone to take good care of me when I am old and crazy.
Let’s all pray I get my so-called creative juices flowing again soon before I toss myself in front of a bus out of boredom.