So Long, Old Friend

My good friend Carrie deleted her Facebook account today which is momentous because SHE IS AWESOME at Facebook and together with Janie, the three of us rock the shit out of it with our hot dialogues.  She decided she needed to focus on school and life for a while so she deleted her account and I have to say, I miss her already.  Mostly I miss her because it deleted all her comments and it looks like I spent five years having long, detailed conversations with myself WHICH I HAVE BUT NOT ON FACEBOOK, thank you very much.

Anyhow, I wished her farewell on her final status update and I’ve posted it below because you all need to know what I’ll be missing out on.  And what you have been missing out on for years because you haven’t friended me on Facebook yet.  Why?  I am hilarious.  You should.  I have references.  Carrie is/was one.  See below.



Also, Janie is spending three days cat-sitting and I’m left to my own devices here in the condo.  I think we all remember what happened the last two times I was left alone.  I became the Homeowner’s Association VP (and they refuse to vote me out even when I steal all our money to buy cocaine and hookers) and then there was that one time I burned off part of my eyebrow.  My point is, it will be a miracle if I don’t burn this place down totally on purpose because PLEASE SOMEONE BUY THIS CONDO SO WE CAN MOVE ON WITH OUR LIVES.

I was chatting with my mom and sister this weekend about how interesting it will be to live alone again, because I cannot be trusted to not do something stupid.  My mother said she was looking forward to retiring so she and my dad can check in on me regularly and make sure I’m still alive and not very badly high on PCP and making birth control pills out of cat food that I will sell on eBay to unsuspecting teenage girls.  Then my sister suggested I might be the first 34 year old who has to move into assisted living because she needs round the clock supervision.  Then I suggested I could just hire myself a nanny and since they get cheaper with age, I’ll practically have to pay nothing at all but my dignity.  This, I believe, is called marriage.


  1. January 25, 2011

    obviously, i’m missing out. if only I had such facebook wit to offer!
    .-= meridith´s last blog .. =-.

  2. leah
    January 25, 2011

    I will NEVER LEAVE YOU ON FB. Or twitter, text, (not)phone, email, US MAIL, or any other form of communication I have with you. And if you try to escape, I have ways of finding people so just don’t even try that.

    I look forward to your candor almost every fucking day now b/c you can BRING THE FUNNY. And the cares, you has them. That birth control idea is fantastic.

    Good luck to you Carrie in your newly NON FB life, please let us know how it goes and if there actually is life after the FB cult.

  3. January 27, 2011

    So I didn’t tell many folks that I was quitting The Facebook, and my mother called last night to berate me for de-friending her. GOOD LORD…Facebook has taken over everyone’s lives in a not so good way.

    Also – I looked into it and they are NOT GIVING AWAY FREE BOOZE ON FRIDAYS. Liar. You can not be trusted. Unless you bring me a taco. And something for the pain you’ve caused. Then I totally forgive you. Unless you were the one who diseased my gallbladder. Then, it’s curtains for you! And by that I mean guess who gets to sit and wait for my surgery with me?! Again.

Comments are closed.