Yoyoyo, peoples.

Happy New Year!

I’ve got something in the works as a sort of “2010 wrap-up/things were unpleasant and I went crazy” and a “looking forward to 2011/I am retarded with potential” post that will explode your computer with all the thoughts and ideas and feelings.

It’ll be better than it sounds. Maybe.

I just wanted to chime in here before all that and say HAPPY NEW YEAR and thank you all who come here on occasion to read the things that I say. It means a lot to me and so do you. Even all you strangers in the background who never say a peep…I know you’re there and I love you, too.  I know a lot of people started reading because I am so hilarious (YES I AM THANK YOU) and the events and subsequent mood of this place have taken a dump in the last nine, ten, eleven, twelve months, so for those of you who stuck around and supported me and said kind things in comments and emails and text messages and chats and tweets and in person, I want you to know how much it has helped me.  It has, more than I think it’s possible for you to know.  I’ve been a bit of a sad clown lately, but I’m still a clown and sometime soon I’ll be back to driving a tiny car stuffed with all my friends and making balloon phalluses and scaring your children.

2010 was a motherfucker, but I have a particular appreciation for each and every little thing it brought into my life. Since Janie and I separated, I’ve had a difficult time parsing what to say here and what to leave out and that’s why there has been so little in the last many months besides all that bitching and moaning about the feelings.  THE FEELINGS.  Shit’s been rough. We know that. Well, in the coming weeks I’ll let you in a little more than I have thus far (and, in all honesty, it will be way more information that I’ve shared with pretty much anyone outside of therapy so get ready to hear some stories told with wildly emotional hand gestures and ugly crying face. Oh, if only this were a video blog would you know the true horrors of which my therapist, who is bound by professional ethics not to share my sessions as entertainment with family, friends and colleagues at cocktail parties, has been subjected to). It’s gonna be ugly, probably shocking, hard, disappointing, sad and uncomfortable, but in the end you will know me better, I’ll know myself a little more and we can see what the fuck has been going on up in this mofo.

What that means, really, is that my mother should just stop reading now.  She keeps asking me, “WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TALK ABOUT SO MANY PERSONAL THINGS?” and I tell her, calmly and gently, “Because I enjoy embarrassing you and making you ashamed of me.”  So, Mama, turn the computer off, flip on the television, enjoy a few episodes of Survivor and Modern Family, pretend you have a youngest child who listens to what you say, eat a healthy snack, drink plenty of water, take your vitamins, kiss your husband goodnight and go to sleep without worrying about how I’ll talk about that time Janie and I hired a nude circus performer off of Craigslist to break into your house and steal your forks, toilet paper and lawnmower.

Look away, mother.  Look away.  Also…probably anyone remotely related to me.  That includes you, Janie.  And my friends.  And coworkers.  Anyone, basically, who knows me at all in any way and who would like to continue holding me in relatively high to moderately low esteem.  Let’s all just take a breather.  I’ll text you when it’s over.

Until then, let’s wave goodbye to a trying and exhausting 2010, smoke a few cigarettes, drink a couple of stiff cocktails and move on to a kinder, gentler 2011.

Here we go, friends.  We’re gonna rock this bitch.


ADDENDUM: I was just reading my early January 2010 post to see what my outlook was back then and HOLY SHIT.  I can read the future, apparently:

“So, it’s that time of year, people. It’s January, things are feeling fresh and new. You’ve thrown out all your bad habits like smoking and drinking to excess and being a selfish whorebag. You’re entering the year with such high hopes, like 2010 is a brand new baby and just look at it, so full of possibility, so clean and cute. Later it will shit and puke all over you, throw tantrums in the middle of the cat toy aisle at Target, call you a bitch, steal your car, have sex in your bed, burn the house down, marry someone you disapprove of, move you into a nursing home after stealing all your money and when you’re at your frailest point, teetering on the brink of sanity, it’ll hold a pillow over your face and drain the last bits of life right out of you, but right now it’s the best thing that could have ever happened to you. Yes, I know. I’m here with you. I see the baby and I love it, too.  We all do.”


  1. Elaine
    January 5, 2011

    Bring it!

    Apparently a 2 word comment is too short to publish. It told me to go back and try again. Wtf.

  2. heathen
    January 5, 2011

    HAHAHAHAHA, seriously? Oops!

    And oh yes…it’s being brought. For real.

  3. January 6, 2011

    I’m so glad I don’t know you! (So I can keep reading, I mean. I’m sure you’re lovely to know in real life.)

  4. Robin O
    January 8, 2011

    “I’ve been a bit of a sad clown lately, but I’m still a clown and sometime soon I’ll be back to driving a tiny car stuffed with all my friends and making balloon phalluses and scaring your children.”

    Awesome. I can’t wait.

Comments are closed.