It’s that time, friends! It’s Christmas and if you’re like me, you have four more days of shopping and still no idea of what to get anyone on your list. So, with that in mind, I’ve done us all a favor and scoured the entirety of the Internet to offer up some of the best gifts available. You’re sure to find something for that special someone, and by special someone I mean, of course, me.
1. Morrissey Finger Puppet and Mic Stand
2010 has been a tough year and when the chips are down and I feel like dying, what do I do? I make myself more miserable by listening to artists like The Smiths. SO, what better gift for those in your life who’ve had a heart-breaker of a year than this amazing Morrissey Finger Puppet. BUT WHAT WILL THEY DO WITH IT? you may be asking me. I’ll tell you exactly what. They’ll do what I do and that is wait until their ex-wife goes to bed and falls asleep (listen for the light snores so you know it’s safe), shut your bedroom door, close the curtains and make Wee Morrissey sing Unloveable again and again until you pass out into that pile of Twinkie wrappers and whiskey bottles.
2. Coyote Fur Mountain Man Hat
Some may look at this and ask, Where would I ever wear that? And then there are the rest of us who look at it and ask, Where wouldn’t I wear that? If you can’t see how versatile this hat is, then I don’t understand you. Look. It’s a HAT and it’s a COYOTE which translates to IT WILL KEEP YOU WARM and IT WILL RIP YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF IF YOU FUCK WITH ME. This isn’t just a dehydrated coyote face, friend. OH NO. It’s a face, tail and ALL FOUR LEGS. You won’t find a piece like this anywhere else. Unless, of course, you shoot one yourself and wrap it around your head. Fine. Whatever.
3. My Private Stigmata – Religious Menstrual Cloth Pads.
LADIES! This one’s for you. Who wouldn’t want reusable, hand-stitched menstrual cloths bearing Jesus or the cross? *Insert awesome joke about parting the Red Sea* We’re all going to hell.
4. Bikini Line Genie
GO BARE WITHOUT A CARE. It’s for the gal on the go…the ladies in your life who don’t have time for professional grooming. Got 60 seconds? Then you have enough time to safely shear that hoo-ha. If this gift doesn’t scream grandma, I don’t know what does! Also, comes with VERY detailed instructions and let’s just say…you can’t discount that. Those instructions are the most action I’ve had all year.
5. Moji Tension Release
Here’s a little something for your stressed out single friends (STRESSED OUT SINGLE FRIENDS NAMED LINSEY THANK YOU VERY MUCH BUY THIS FOR ME PLEASE). It’s a garment that heats and soothes your weary body. “The Tension Release wraps around the contours of the body to deliver Moji’s signature warm hug and provides ample coverage for the neck and shoulders or can be flipped over and worn to heat the middle back.” The only thing that could make this better is if it came with a copy of The Bell Jar and a bottle of Percocet.
This one’s no joke. I really need this thing. I’m so lonely.
6. Human Centipede Cat Toy
OKAY CAT LOVERS! We’ve got something special for you. If you have a cat, you know how difficult it is to shop for your best feline friend. Ducati is so picky. He’ll eat only what he can throw up four minutes later. He’ll drink only that water in your cup that you weren’t finished with. He’ll play only with that small dog you love and by play he means he’ll try to rip his face off every minute of every day unless you’re there to create a protective arm barrier in which case, goodbye skins! Well, that’s about to change because he will love this horror-flick inspired cat toy. It’s a touch on the expensive side, but I think we can all agree that the high quality, hand-stitching and the visual depictions of ass to mouth make it worthwhile.
7. YOU, JUSTIN BIEBER, UNICORN.
It’s hard to find that perfect gift – a blend of unique thoughtfulness and usefulness all in one. Well, friends, here it is. The quintessential gift for the hardest to shop for. It’s elegant, personal and it’s got two of nature’s most delicate creatures in it. It’ll seem so precious and real you’ll only whisper in its presence so as not to scare off these two most beautiful and skittish of God’s creations. Coming soon, a companion piece: YOU, A SQUIRREL, A PACK OF SCREAMING 13 YEAR OLD GIRLS .
8. Power High-Low Exam Table
On occasion I like to offer free medical exams and minor procedures to my neighbors and friends. It’s a hobby I picked up a couple years back and since I have no real medical training except for that expired CPR certification, my prices are low. Do you need a breast exam? Yeah you do. SINGLE LADIES ONLY, PLEASE. It also comes in handy for self-surgeries such as this do it yourself Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass kit. I’ve only died once while doing it, but Janie found me just in time and the paramedics revived me on the way to the hospital. All products conveniently available via Amazon.com. Treat yourself this holiday season. YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT.
9. 6 oz. Flask with Built in Cigarette Case
This is a great gift for your newly single friends or family members. Janie and I like to refer to a growing pile of empty bottles of whiskey and a sack filled with empty cigarette cartons as our divorce survival kit. Except that really only applies to when the cartons and bottles are full up with delicious smokes and booze and you think I am joking but I am not (LOOK AWAY, MOM!). What is so great about this lovely flask/cigarette case combo is that you can bring the circus on the go – to work, to the post office, to your ex-wife’s work where she embarrasses easily, to a Seattle Symphony concert where they don’t understand your pain and you’ll tell them JUST THAT when you crawl, drunk, half-naked and crying onto the stage and HEY GIVE ME THAT VIOLIN AND I’LL SHOW YOU WHAT DESPAIR SOUNDS LIKE *scree scree scree scree* and then you can also take it to jail.
10. Execution Tools & Techniques
Because sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands.
Merry Christmas to every last one of you beautiful motherfuckers.