An Important Relationship Status Update

Hello, friends.  I’ve got a bunch of things in the pipeline to post here but nothing complete so I’m just going to update you on my relationship with Terri Clark.  As many of you may know, I divorced Janie because Terri Clark was coming into town this month and I needed to finally make my move.   Seriously, you guys, did you not know that’s what happened?  BECAUSE IT IS.  (I’ve been warning you about it for a very long time now.  You should have paid closer attention.)   Ask anyone, especially Janie, but don’t bother Terri because she’s been drugged and locked in my closet sleeping.

My friend Alyssa and I were scheduled to go to the concert together.  In fact, the only other time I saw Terri in concert was with her.  I’m pretty sure it was with her.  But I could be making that up because it was a very long time ago.  If it wasn’t her I don’t know who it was but whatever.  We’re talking about Terri Clark, not anyone else and certainly not who I may or may not have been dating but can’t remember.  ANYHOW, Alyssa and I had a date to see Terri Clark together again or for the first time.  As the date came ever closer I posted messages to her Facebook page to remind her, such as




Unfortunately, something came up at the last minute and we couldn’t work it out to go together so I forced my sister to go in her place which was nice for me, because I like my sister and I think she’s fun, but bad for her because she was going to have to witness something no sister should ever have to witness.  And by that I mean she was going to have to watch me kidnap Terri Clark and convince her to take her shirt off and make me a sandwich.

She played a very long, amazing solo acoustic set which included all of my favorite songs and afterward I stood in line with my sister, waiting to meet her and discuss our future plans and living arrangements.  As we got closer I started to get nervous and I told Jennifer we didn’t need to stay.  We could go.  It would be okay with me if we left. I started to panic.  PANIC!  And Jennifer looked me in the eye and said I DID NOT JUST SIT THROUGH THREE HOURS OF COUNTRY MUSIC SO YOU COULD NOT MEET TERRI CLARK AND GET HER TO SIGN THAT FUCKING PICTURE.  Maybe there were no swears, but I don’t think so.  She doesn’t like country music, that one.  Also, she has pregnancy rage.

After several minutes I got to the front of the line, looked up at her, smiled like a jackass and said hello to one of the the most beautiful women I have ever seen in my entire life.  She said hello and then asked what my name was.  It was magical, until I became too retarded to speak, so I just stood there and giggled to myself on the inside like that crazy cashier lady from the drug store by my house.  She signed the picture, PUT HER ARM AROUND ME and I did the same to her, like two old gays who have loved one another from afar for many many many years, and we smiled as my sister took a photo.  I whispered a thank you, because if I didn’t whisper it I’d not otherwise have been able to contain myself or control the volume of my voice or the words coming out and it likely would have ended with me screaming I LOVE YOU TERRI CLARK AND I’LL BE WAITING FOR YOU TO COME HOME. DON’T BE LATE I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY FOR WORK TOMORROW. I LIKE TURKEY ON MY SANDWICH, PLEASE, AND REMEMBER TO HOLD THE MAYO as they dragged me away to the police cruiser.

As we walked to the car, I showed my sister the photo and noted that it says “To Linsey, LOVE Terri Clark.”  LOVE.  I feel pretty certain that means we’re married.  It’s a legally binding contract, that signed photo. She’s obligated to love me for the rest of her natural life.  We’re going to be together forever and live in Canada where we can get married and she’ll sing me to sleep every night.  It is going to be so beautiful, especially when she stops trying to break out of her chains and run to the police.


4 thoughts on “An Important Relationship Status Update

  1. dee says:

    This makes so much more sense to me now. See, I’ve been watching you Twitter the past however many weeks/days (because i’m the sort of loser who lays around in bed at night watching other people twitter) about Terri Clark! Terri Clark! Can’t wait to run my fingers through Terri Clark’s hair! Terri Clark is in Seattle! All the while I’ve wondered 1) what the hell does Terri Clark do on tour? stand on stage and talk about herself for 2 hours while audience members beg her to eat a sandwich? 2) Terri Clark is touring? Shit, I might as well tour. 3) I imagine Terri Clark as having very brittle hair that would break when you ran said fingers through said hair.

    I’ve been thinking all this time you were gizzing yourself over Teri with one ‘r’ HATCHER.
    .-= dee´s last blog ..I could completely make a Dirty Sanchez joke here =-.

  2. leah says:

    i laughed the entire time i read this. that’s not really unusual when i read your stuff, HOW DO YOU DO IT?! and you are my friend? i’m not worthy :) I KID I KID!

    i am so glad your sister made you talk to terri, SO GLAD. and i had the pregnancy rage for almost an entire year even before i got pregnant. but i was ok after i popped that kid out. well, mostly ok.
    .-= leah´s last blog ..They’re here- they’re queer get used to it =-.

  3. Sherahahahahaha says:

    Thank the fucking cheese and crackers that I’m not the only one who, for whatever cosmically psychotic reason, thought this entire time you were talking about TERI HATCHER. I kept reading your posts and thinking, “Linsey watches Desperate Housewives? There isn’t even any G4G action on that show! Not even a little lesbian/hasbian/backagain action!”

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