An Important Relationship Status Update
Hello, friends. I’ve got a bunch of things in the pipeline to post here but nothing complete so I’m just going to update you on my relationship with Terri Clark. As many of you may know, I divorced Janie because Terri Clark was coming into town this month and I needed to finally make my move. Seriously, you guys, did you not know that’s what happened? BECAUSE IT IS. (I’ve been warning you about it for a very long time now. You should have paid closer attention.) Ask anyone, especially Janie, but don’t bother Terri because she’s been drugged and locked in my closet sleeping.
My friend Alyssa and I were scheduled to go to the concert together. In fact, the only other time I saw Terri in concert was with her. I’m pretty sure it was with her. But I could be making that up because it was a very long time ago. If it wasn’t her I don’t know who it was but whatever. We’re talking about Terri Clark, not anyone else and certainly not who I may or may not have been dating but can’t remember. ANYHOW, Alyssa and I had a date to see Terri Clark together again or for the first time. As the date came ever closer I posted messages to her Facebook page to remind her, such as
Unfortunately, something came up at the last minute and we couldn’t work it out to go together so I forced my sister to go in her place which was nice for me, because I like my sister and I think she’s fun, but bad for her because she was going to have to witness something no sister should ever have to witness. And by that I mean she was going to have to watch me kidnap Terri Clark and convince her to take her shirt off and make me a sandwich.
She played a very long, amazing solo acoustic set which included all of my favorite songs and afterward I stood in line with my sister, waiting to meet her and discuss our future plans and living arrangements. As we got closer I started to get nervous and I told Jennifer we didn’t need to stay. We could go. It would be okay with me if we left. I started to panic. PANIC! And Jennifer looked me in the eye and said I DID NOT JUST SIT THROUGH THREE HOURS OF COUNTRY MUSIC SO YOU COULD NOT MEET TERRI CLARK AND GET HER TO SIGN THAT FUCKING PICTURE. Maybe there were no swears, but I don’t think so. She doesn’t like country music, that one. Also, she has pregnancy rage.
After several minutes I got to the front of the line, looked up at her, smiled like a jackass and said hello to one of the the most beautiful women I have ever seen in my entire life. She said hello and then asked what my name was. It was magical, until I became too retarded to speak, so I just stood there and giggled to myself on the inside like that crazy cashier lady from the drug store by my house. She signed the picture, PUT HER ARM AROUND ME and I did the same to her, like two old gays who have loved one another from afar for many many many years, and we smiled as my sister took a photo. I whispered a thank you, because if I didn’t whisper it I’d not otherwise have been able to contain myself or control the volume of my voice or the words coming out and it likely would have ended with me screaming I LOVE YOU TERRI CLARK AND I’LL BE WAITING FOR YOU TO COME HOME. DON’T BE LATE I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY FOR WORK TOMORROW. I LIKE TURKEY ON MY SANDWICH, PLEASE, AND REMEMBER TO HOLD THE MAYO as they dragged me away to the police cruiser.
As we walked to the car, I showed my sister the photo and noted that it says “To Linsey, LOVE Terri Clark.” LOVE. I feel pretty certain that means we’re married. It’s a legally binding contract, that signed photo. She’s obligated to love me for the rest of her natural life. We’re going to be together forever and live in Canada where we can get married and she’ll sing me to sleep every night. It is going to be so beautiful, especially when she stops trying to break out of her chains and run to the police.