1. Do not make it more complicated than it has to be.  By this I mean DO NOT MAKE IT MORE COMPLICATED.

2. When you chip out those tiles in the bathroom shower stall, don’t wait two years to fix it because when you get divorced and you have to sell your home it will only make it more stressful to deal with these kinds of repairs and by stressful, I mean expensive and by expensive, I mean it will cost more money than you have and it will MAKE THINGS WAY MORE COMPLICATED.

3. Also, save those old shower fixtures because that guy who retiled the shower will not accept the fact that you threw them away two years ago and will call you eight times at work to ask where they are and if you can please go look and find them so he can match them with a replacement.

4. Your real estate agent should never be involved in any way in your personal life.  IT WILL ONLY MAKES THINGS MORE COMPLICATED.

5. It is a BAD IDEA to scream at your ex “Well I guess you can get out of this condo when I’m dead!” Or something to that effect.  I can’t remember the exact words that crazy person used just then.  And yes.  That crazy person might have been me.  Maybe.

6. If you have been blocked from leaving your home because someone thinks you’ve gone too crazy, do not escape down the rockery in your pajamas and a pair of flip flops.  This will only makes them appear correct.  For the record, I didn’t DO IT, I only THOUGHT ABOUT IT.  So I wasn’t too crazy, I was only slightly crazy.

7. THERAPY.  YES.

8. If someone says they can’t handle one more thing, it’s probably best to believe them.  Just sayin’. If you don’t believe them, or don’t listen, be prepared to deal with the consequences.  And by consequences I mean #5 and #6 and some other select things that may include hysterical crying, yelling and all that stuff about your mom.

9. Do yourself a favor and make sure everyone else understands they don’t know the entirety of the situation and should not assume things happened for one reason or another, because they’re wrong.  No matter what they think or say, they’re wrong.  Even if only a little.  Because they can’t know.  Wrong.

10. WRONG!

11. DO NOT SLEEP TOGETHER EVER AGAIN.  See #1.

12. MEDICATION. YES.

13. CIGARETTES AND BOOZE AND CANDY. YES.

14. Just say what you need to say:  “It’s not me, it’s you.  You really are a bitch-whore.”

15. I’m just kidding.  You shouldn’t say that.  It’s okay to think it, quietly, when you’re sobbing in your bed at night, but not out loud, people.  NOT OUT LOUD.

16.  You will feel feelings you never imagined were possible.  You’ll feel them all times a million.  Then you’ll cry, breakdown, why? why? why?, you’ll admit things you shouldn’t and you will accuse people of things you shouldn’t.  You will forget to accept certain responsibility for a while, but then you’ll be able to, later on, when you’re drunk. So you can forget, but it’s still out there and they’ll probably remember unless they’re drunk, too and then it’s 50-50 and hopefully you’re both drunk enough not to remember the sex you shouldn’t have been having.  Get dressed and go to your room before she wakes up!  NOTHING HAPPENED HERE.  I don’t know what you’re talking about.  I got this hickey on my thigh from a gardening accident. WHY ARE YOU IN THIS SHOWER WITH ME?

17. Vanilla Lip Smacker will make the misery taste better.

18. Let’s just put it all out there in one big honest summary: YOU WILL BE ALONE FOREVER AND NO ONE WILL LOVE YOU BUT YOUR MOM, DAD, SISTER AND BROTHER.  AND ONLY BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO.  Oops!  Sorry.

19. That’s not actually true, but it will feel true for a very, very, very long time.

20. No, you are NOT getting back together.  No.  NO.  Maybe.  NO.

21. If your ex comes home wasted at 1100pm and throws up all over her bedroom floor it is okay a) to laugh at her b) to help her out and clean up the puddle of puke c) to let her sleep in your bed as long as you reassure her you won’t try to “put the moves on her”  and d) to cry when she says “GOOD BECAUSE I’D HAVE TO TURN YOU DOWN and why is Family Guy so funny?”

22. Family Guy is pretty fucking funny.

23. Maybe Carson peed on her comforter.  Maybe it was you.

24. I guess she’ll never really know.

25. Just keep swimming.  You’ll either find dry land or get eaten by a  shark but, either way, YAY!