Broken
I’ve started and stopped this post no less than fifty times in the last two weeks, and in the last five minutes I have written an rewritten this sentence about nine times. Delete and rewrite. Edit. Delete. Write. I’m slowly driving myself insane. That will become entirely too obvious in the days and weeks to come.
Janie and I have broken up after eight years together.
That’s the long and short of it.
Everything is a mess. Our lives are a mess. This house is a mess. The cats are a mess. Gus is a mess. There is nothing not completely in a state of chaos and though I believed I was holding my shit together particularly well, I realize now I’m starting to slip and I’m falling apart and there is nothing to keep me together and really, there is no reason to not just fall right into it, to let it happen so that I can pick up the pieces and hope I can put them together again one day in a way that makes sense, in a way that makes my life make sense. And what the hell kind of sentence was that? I am too tired to give a shit. That’s what kind.
I know that for pretty much everyone who reads this website it will come as a complete shock. It has to everyone else in our lives. It is a shock. The details are not up for grabs, but I will say that this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. My life has disappeared and while so much of it is my own doing, it does not make it any easier. I do not know what I will do here, how much of this website will be about the struggles ahead, but I can imagine that there will be a significant amount of personal exploration and discovery going on and I hope that in time I can find the capacity to see some humor in what I can only describe as an agonizing and disgusting journey towards unraveling the promise of a lifetime together. Only not now, in this moment, because there is only anger and resentment, hurt and disappointment, sadness and terror over the uncertainty of the rest of our lives.
This is an ending, but it is also a beginning. That is just about all I know for sure right now.
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I’m thinking of you. A lot.
.-= meridith´s last blog ..View from the Corner Suite =-.
Life, man. It sure can blow.
Obviously I’m feeling quite eloquent and optimistic these days.
.-= fairydogmother´s last blog ..Status Quo =-.
Linsey,
I’m so extremely sorry, I cannot even express. Sorry for both you and Janie and also for Gussie and the cats.
I just went through a break up of an 8-year relationship in December, and one of the best things that anyone said to me was to be gentle with yourself and patient with yourself.
Things are going to suck for a while — you know that. But they will start getting better after a while. That’s what also got me through — knowing that blinking, bloody *eventually* things would get better.
I send you hugs and will be thinking of you and sending you chicken soup vibes.
Cas
“there is nothing to keep me together ” — yes there is my dear. There are all sorts of people in your real life and in your blog life that are ready, willing and maybe even more or less able to do whatever they can to help you keep you together. Don’t be afraid to reach out. People will be happy to be there for you. For instance, if you want to get out of town for a while, you have an open invitation to visit. You don’t even have to be sociable. Take care.
this sucks and i wish it didn’t, you’re pretty and so are your shoes.
xoxo
.-= leah´s last blog ..Things I should be doing but not doing =-.
Oh hon, I am so sorry … that is just terrible, sucky news. You will get through it. You will.
.-= Gleemonex´s last blog ..That and "We are not drunk now, but please believe us, we will be within five minutes of the end of this conversation." =-.
I’ve been there. When I went through my divorce last year, it came as a shock to everyone who knew us. They had no idea anything was THAT wrong. I wish you peace and healing in this difficult time.
What point is it being black if you cannot get sunburnt.
Sent via Blackberry
What sorrowful news. Cas’ advice is wise: “…be gentle with yourself and patient with yourself.” Know that many uplifting thoughts are focused your way.
.-= Questionsall´s last blog ..Parental Discovery =-.
I just read this and I am so profoundly sorry. I know the bottomless ache you must be feeling. My heart is with you as you navigate this agony.
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please don’t steal
Copyright 2007-2011
All of it. Even that thing I wrote that time.
Even this: poop. poop. poop.
That's mine. I wrote it.
When you steal, a kitten breaks its leg. True story.
Thank you.
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