Hiring

Hey friends.

I just wanted to let you know I’m looking for an assistant in charge of slapping shit I shouldn’t be eating out of my hand.  That’s the entire job description.  If it looks like it shouldn’t go in my mouth and it is in my hand, slap it out.

Do you think you can handle this responsibility?  I’m looking for a real go-getter. Big hands preferred, but will also consider experience.

If you think this may be the job for you, submit your answer to the following scenario with your application:

I have walked down the hall at work and into the kitchen where there is a ginormous bag of peanut M&Ms.  I grab a handful.  When you try to slap it out of my hand, I quickly shove all 44 pieces into my mouth at once.  Do you a) give up b) slap the three that are stuck to my hand onto the ground or c) slap me around until I spit them all back into the bag?

So if you think you you are the right person for the job,  If you want to slap shit I shouldn’t be eating out of my fat whore mouth, inquire within.  There is no pay, other than the satisfaction of seeing me cry and talk about my feelings and how there are so many of them all the time and god, you know what would go so well with all this self-loathing?  SKITTLES.

Send your cover letter and resume to heathen (at) uncouthheathen (dot) com and include any relevant experience.

8 Comments

  1. heathen
    April 5, 2010

    Oh my god, you’re so awful.

  2. April 6, 2010

    Don’t listen to Monica. She’s not even in this hemisphere for pete’s sake.This is exactly the sort of job I’ve been looking for all my life. My qualifications are that I am repulsed by people eating junk food to the extent that I have to exert incredible control not to be slapping strangers all day long; I’m a control freak and very assertive about it (my daughter will be my reference); and, I’m deceptively strong. I may look puny but I could wrestle you to the ground and Heimlich those M&Ms out of your gullet if I have to. And when you cry and talk about your feelings I will tell you to stop whining and or I’ll really give you something to cry about, as I raise my slapping hand threateningly.

  3. heathen
    April 6, 2010

    Oh my god, you’re totally hired. I am terrified of you…and that makes you the exact right person for this job. Arrange to move here now, please and thank you.

  4. April 6, 2010

    Damn, and just when I got my resume all ready — but listen, if you haven’t signed a contract yet, hear me out: I will do the slapping PLUS I will holler something along with every slap. Something like “BOOM!” or “SHECLACKY!” or “BAMMO!”

    Let me know. I really feel like we could get some good synergy here.
    .-= Gleemonex´s last blog ..‘Have a nice day?’ Whose wife tells them ‘Have a nice day?’ =-.

  5. heathen
    April 6, 2010

    Maybe you two could job-share?

  6. April 7, 2010

    I refuse to share this job with anyone. That’s not how I roll. No namby pamby, family friendly bushwah. This is serious business that CANNOT be conducted by committee. My way or the highway is my motto. Take it or leave it.

  7. May 26, 2010

    i vote for xup too, in fact i want her to be my adviser too. i thought we were going to all move to montana? it’s only fair, we can’t ALL move to seattle they’d lose their minds all of us in the same place like that. the world would end and they would trace it all back to you and really you don’t need that on your head underneath the skittles.

    i am prepared to fight monica over your affections for her.
    .-= leah´s last blog ..Monogamy is beyond broken =-.

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