I just wanted to let you know I’m looking for an assistant in charge of slapping shit I shouldn’t be eating out of my hand. That’s the entire job description. If it looks like it shouldn’t go in my mouth and it is in my hand, slap it out.
Do you think you can handle this responsibility? I’m looking for a real go-getter. Big hands preferred, but will also consider experience.
If you think this may be the job for you, submit your answer to the following scenario with your application:
I have walked down the hall at work and into the kitchen where there is a ginormous bag of peanut M&Ms. I grab a handful. When you try to slap it out of my hand, I quickly shove all 44 pieces into my mouth at once. Do you a) give up b) slap the three that are stuck to my hand onto the ground or c) slap me around until I spit them all back into the bag?
So if you think you you are the right person for the job, If you want to slap shit I shouldn’t be eating out of my fat whore mouth, inquire within. There is no pay, other than the satisfaction of seeing me cry and talk about my feelings and how there are so many of them all the time and god, you know what would go so well with all this self-loathing? SKITTLES.
Send your cover letter and resume to heathen (at) uncouthheathen (dot) com and include any relevant experience.