This entire place is a fucking fire hazard

I rearranged our office this evening.  I moved everything around and nothing is anywhere it used to be.  I can’t find a god damn thing anymore.  WHERE ARE THE BILLS?  Oh well, they must not be important.  We’ll get new ones next month, right?  No problem.

As I took a break from the chaos of moving too many things in too small of an area with too few people helping me (read: none), I wandered down  the hall to put some laundry from the wash to the dryer – the same dryer that, you may remember, caught fire a few months back.  The same dryer that was about to explode in my arms that time.  The same dryer that caused such a panic in Janie that she ran down the hall away from me and left me for dead.  Not that I get upset about that still, or anything.  So much for Good Samaritan Janie. YOU CAN’T COUNT ON HER IN A CRISIS.  As a matter of fact, you can only count on her to do the following things:

Be on me all the time
Leave her stupid shirt on
Have scissor toes
Eat or drink the last of everything
Shriek like a rooster at 3am because she’s dreaming about calling someone a fucker.
Point out library patrons on the street despite repeated pleas for her to stop, son, STOP.  Oh , man, You need to stop.  Seriously.  Stop.  STOP RIGHT NOW.

As I was saying, I wandered down the hall and immediately smelled something funny.  As we all know, I have terrible, terrible, terrible sinus issues and I can’t always smell properly.  There are two things I have a nose for despite all this: fire and cat shit.  Seriously, guys, stop getting cats.  They’re awful.  If you must consider it, consider the one I have here that looks like a rabbit (does anyone know what the fuck this means?  I swear to god I think I fell asleep at my computer and was still typing and WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ABOUT? A cat that looks like a rabbit?  Really?  REALLY?  Oh Jesus, I need to go to bed.)

The smell.  In the hallway.  Near the dryer that is a fire hazard.

I go around sniffing…from room to room, working my nose like I’m Gus on the trail of some fresh litter box deposits.  It smells like chemicals.  Like someone sprayed the air with something terrible and for a moment I’m thinking…SOMEONE IS TRYING TO KILL US  (this is how the mind of a genius works, people.  THIS IS HOW WE LIVE) .  So I’m sniffing the shit out of the air, thinking about why someone would want to do this to us and not considering the fact that maybe I shouldn’t be deliberately inhaling massive amounts of whatever is in the air.  Maybe I should open a window?  Didn’t cross my mind even once in those precious moments where all my brain cells were being lulled to sweet death by noxious fumes.

So I call Janie over and ask her if she smells anything weird, and the strangest thing happened.  She did not flee in terror and leave me to a certain death.  She said she smelled it, too.  And then, like me, she started sniffing harder.  And there we were, two gays in a condo sniffing the fucking air like…what?  Like two morans sniffing poison because they’re too stupid to think it’s probably not a good idea.

We wandered into the kitchen and both noticed the dishwasher was still going – it had been started quite a while before – and OH HEY.  IS THAT SMOKE?  Of course it is, because this is where we live now.  This condo that is, literally, going up in smoke one appliance at a time.  I don’t know how it is possible, but I feel quite certain that at some point the shower is going to catch fire while I am in it.  The water is going to turn into flames and I’ll be burned to death.  This is just my luck and totally something that would happen here.  This place is a death trap.  SAVE ME.  And Janie if you have time.  Maybe leave a fire extinguisher three feet away from her while she’s suspending a fucking clothes dryer in the air and walk away.  She’ll be alright.  She’ll manage.

So I open the dishwasher and THERE IS THE SMELL, only 10 times worse because it’s a gust of poison air trapped inside and it wafts up into my face and what do I do?  I stick my head inside and take a big sniff and then I die because I’m poisoned by something terrible.  At the very least I feel quite certain I’ve got brain cancer now.  All this chemical gaseousness is now in my brain and it maybe explains that thing I wrote earlier about the cat that looks like a rabbit when I was sleep typing and, also, why I can’t seem to tell this story without breaking off into wild tangents about – HEY!  I once had a hermit crab!

So as it turns out (approaching our final destination – promise), a piece of tupperware had lodged itself at the bottom of the dishwasher and was stuck up against the heating element that dries the dishes.  So this flimsy plastic was being melted against a hot piece of fire metal and OH GOD. IS THAT SMOKE?  Is that burning plastic chemical gas I’m inhaling repeatedly?  YES, it is.  YES IT IS.

So I rescued it and took a picture:

FIREHAZARD

(FYI: A billshit is the new bullshit.  Pass it on.)

This place is a shithole. I’m going to die here.  I just know it.

8 Comments

  1. March 30, 2010

    Not to be too picky, but that’s totally not Tupperware. That’s just crappy Ziplockware which I’m pretty sure clearly states is NOT dishwasher safe. So, whoever put that thing in the dishwasher is to blame not the condo appliances. On an unrelated note, I got this great thing called the Buddha Dome for my cat to replace the stinky litter box and it’s amazing. Not only does it not stink, but if you get the one with the stairs it stops litter from being trekked all over the house. You might want to get a couple since you have a lot of cats.

  2. March 30, 2010

    Billshit. I like it.
    It sounds like something one of my immigrant family members would say.
    Curses, other Monica. Or, I suppose, I’M other Monica. Effing hell.
    .-= Monica´s last blog ..Did I mention… =-.

  3. heathen
    March 30, 2010

    Monica, meet other Monica. Other Monica, meet Monica.

    Which is which, I don’t know.

  4. March 31, 2010

    I totally started the BILLSHIT like, a few days ago. I KNOW I did. Ask Janie. Ok, so it was one of those autofill things on my BlackBerry but still. I CREATED THE BILLSHIT. Monica can fuck off with that thinking she started it. What, just because she lives in the future she gets to own all the goodness? I don’t think so. No sir, I do not.

  5. heathen
    April 1, 2010

    XUP – You’re right. It isn’t Tupperware. But that’s what I call all things that are plastic with a plastic lid. Also, I blame Janie, totally.

    Monica – THE BILLSHIT IS ALL YOURS.

    Carrie – Oh, you. I’m just going to sit back and watch the fireworks from a safe distance. You two can have at it. I don’t want to take sides. Not yet, at least.

    East Coast Monica – I expect you to spread the billshit all around NYC.

  6. Robin O
    April 2, 2010

    No matter what XUP says about Tupperware that is not really Tupperware and may or may not be dishwasher-safe, I think food storage containers that can’t go from freezer to dishwasher to microwave and then round again are a bullshit. (I’m sticking with bullshit.) If you’re a food storage container that can’t handle that, GET OUT! (points toward door)

    YOU’RE OUTTA HERE!
    GO!
    NOW!

    Seriously, what am I supposed to do? Hand wash all that? I don’t THINK so. I have stuff to do.

    Besides, isn’t this crap supposed to promote the convenience, not lessen it?

    Of course, not all plastic is dishwasher safe, I suppose. But then, I am compelled to reiterate, it’s a bullshit.

    What should we switch to? Ceramics? Wouldn’t they still need a plastic lid?

    Linsey, I think you need to do a little research here, then publish the results on your blog. Take charge of this dangerous environmental and culinary problem. What is the best thing for the leftovers? Me and Lizzielou need some more Tupperware/and/or/not/really/Tupperware anyway. We seem to be running out. Probably because we left it all at your house. Quite possibly including the one that started the smell. It does look familiar. Um . . . oopsy?

  7. May 26, 2010

    love it!!! i can’t stop laughing with this, “I don’t know how it is possible, but I feel quite certain that at some point the shower is going to catch fire while I am in it. The water is going to turn into flames and I’ll be burned to death”. i’m fairly certain that is how i’ll die too.
    .-= leah´s last blog ..Monogamy is beyond broken =-.

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