So, I’m reading this really good book that Janie wishes I’d stop talking about because, OH MY GOD, not that fucking fruit book again you asshole! Seriously.
So, this book I can’t shut up about (which I mentioned several weeks ago) is about fruit. Mostly about ultra-exotic fruits and the people who hunt them. That’s why it’s called Fruit Hunters. See what he did there? He’s clever…calling it what it is. Not everyone does that. Like this doctor I once saw named Phuc Dat. As it turns out, he really doesn’t want to phuc dat. Not even as a joke.
I digress. In the book about fruit and fruit hunters there is discussion of a certain group of people who only ever eat fruit. Those people are called fruitarians. Also, they’re called INSANE because last time I checked, cheese and cupcakes weren’t fruits and what the hell do you have against cheese and cupcakes, motherfuckers!?
Some fruitarians will only eat fruit if it has fallen from the tree. They will not pick it themselves. But OH. OH NO. It’s gets weirder. Some fruitarians will not even eat the seeds because they contain “future plants.” Listen. I like fruit as much as the next guy. I’m also actually pretty picky about the fruit I eat because I don’t like the texture of ripened, soft, juicy fruits. I like my fruits tart and hard. So I get the idea that fruit is delicious. I like it better that broccoli and celery and all those other vegetable I can’t be bothered to eat anymore. I can understand the idea of not eating anything but fruit. It sounds fun. I can see doing it as a cleanse and then maybe I have diarrhea for three days because WOW. Fruit. Dangerous to the bottom system. Fine. But, a lifestyle? A LIFESTYLE? It’s worse that being gay, is all I’m saying. If being gay is an abomination, than being a fruitarian is like being gay twice. You’re gay and you’re gay again because that’s how ridiculous it is to eat fruit for the rest of your life and to pick every seed out because it’s a “future plant.” You’re gay and you’re gay again and then you’re bombing abortion clinics because they’re future people. Also, on top of all that, you’re a homosexual. GAYS ARE BAD!
This is a gross side note that is in the book, too. One native culture was fruitarian, but really only out of necessity. They only ever had fruit to eat. Even the fruit was pretty scarce because, I think, they were in some desert somewhere. I can’t be bothered to look it up in the book that is sitting right here next to me even if I did read it only like 4 pages ago. Since food was so hard to come by, they picked the seeds out of their feces and made some sort of seed pulp and ate that. WHAT. THE. HELL. Congratulations to you for being creative, I guess, and staying alive. I wouldn’t have noted that in the history books, though. Because now some crazy lady in Seattle only knows of you as those Fruitarians that ate shit seeds.
One famous fruitarian, not counting Ghandi who did it for 5 years before quitting because of health issues, is a gentleman named Johnny Lovewisdom. He also experimented with other extreme diets including, my personal favorite, Breatheairianism. And yes, it is exactly what it sounds like, which is probably why Johnny is now dead. Also, one of the more recent and notable Breatheairianists was caught with a house full of food and though she blamed it on her husband – I feel pretty certain she was eating it, because she had Cheetos dust all over her face. I made that up, but that’s not what matters. What matters is that you can’t live on breathing air and I’ll prove it to you in several days after I test your stupid theory on Carson. Then you’ll be sorry. But I won’t.
As you can probably guess, fruitarians often suffer from malnutrition because their diets do not include some very important nutrients including “calcium, protein, iron, zinc, vitamin D, most B vitamins (especially B12), and essential fatty acids,” though one creative gentleman mentioned in the book said he gets his B12 from cunnilingus and don’t worry, that’s probably the last time you’ll see that word on this website but I’m pretty sure it’ll bring some fascinating Google searchers. In addition, many fruitarians claim that their diet helps them develop direct communication with God but, really, let’s be honest. If I had that much sugar – natural or otherwise – I’d think I could talk to God, too. I mean, I just ate some fruit snacks and I’m pretty sure Metatron and Archangel Michael are having a fistfight in the hallways outside my office.