It’s like life is just laughing hysterically – HAHAHA – in my infertile face.

Okay, friends, I’m back. I’m over my malaise and I’m here and ready to fuck some shit up. You can’t see it, but I’m doing some karate moves and making Bruce Lee noises as I type this.

There has been a fantastic story going around this week, dating back to 1988. In Lesotho, a young girl went to the doctor with what appeared to be symptoms of labor. Sure, why not, right? It happens all the time. What’s so fantastic about that? Well, upon further examination, it was discovered that this girl DID NOT HAVE A VAGINA. Interesting. Very interesting. A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL WITHOUT A VAGINA IS IN LABOR and here I am, a responsible adult with a vagina (I’m sorry you had to hear that) who, unfortunately, has two useless ovaries that are shriveled like a couple of sad, disgusting raisins.

BUT IT GETS WORSE.

How did that baby get in there, if not through a vagina, you might ask?

Well, it’s so simple that it could have happened to anyone, really, if anyone is enjoying some oral sex with her boyfriend when her ex-boyfriend walks in and a knife fight ensues.

It appears that all three ended up with stab wounds resulting from the melee and took a trip to emergency room where they had some explaining to do, I’m sure. The girl had been stabbed in the abdomen and the knife perforated her stomach. The doctors performed surgery and BING, BANG, BOOM: she recovered.  But, unknowingly, at the same time,  the sperm were on the loose and  somehow (?) wandered on in and around until they managed to find her reproductive system. It’s just like that time I was going to the store for some juice and the Earth tore open and sucked me straight down to Hell.  It could happen to anyone, really.

So what came of the baby? Don’t worry!  She delivered a healthy baby boy via c-section. “The young mother, her family, and the likely father adapted themselves rapidly to the new situation and some cattle changed hands to prove that there were no hard feelings.”

SOME CATTLE CHANGED HANDS TO PROVE THAT THERE WERE NO HARD FEELINGS.

I just want to say one thing:  Africa is awesome.

Also, I’m going to start showing my contrition with livestock.  The whoppers, like impregnating someone with a knife through the gut, will come with cattle or horses.  The smaller the apology, the smaller the animal.  Did I just cut you off in traffic?  Please accept my apology in the form of this chicken.  Did I just rear-end you in traffic?  The bleating of this pygmy goat should remind you how sorry I am.  I should have thought about this so much sooner.

Also, you guys, SHE DOES NOT HAVE A VAGINA.

*****

I would like to point out that a few people who read this website do have a vagina.  Well, I guess vaginas.  They do not share one vagina, they each have their own, but whatever.  You know what I meant.  One in particular just had two babies hop right out of hers.  Join me in congratulating Shera on the birth of her two babies.  As far as I know they were not conceived in a knife fight, but with Shera you never really know.  She’s just that fucking crazy.  Welcome to the world, Juniper and Olivia!  Some of the shit that goes down in this world is going to blow your fucking minds.

Also, you may or may not have noticed that I made some small website design changes and, in the coming weeks, I will continue to tweak some more things here and there.  This is because I wanted to and not because commenter JD has told me that my website is stupid and ugly and a whore and then, just to be cruel, decided to get pregnant with twin boys.

YOU ARE THE WORST, MOST INSENSITIVE WEBSITE READERS EVER!  But you’re mine and I love you, sort of like that cat I have who keeps pooping on my pillow.

Also, I am available for babystealingsitting every other Tuesday from 6pm to forever, you’re not getting this baby back.

UPDATE: Tyra Banks show features five women and ten vaginas.  Five women with multiple vaginas.  What I’m trying to say is that each woman on this show has two vaginas.  Not counting Tyra (I’m guessing…I can’t say for sure).  MY HEAD IS EXPLODING.

9 Comments

  1. E's Mom
    February 5, 2010

    I know he’s practically growed up and stuff, but you can totally have E for as long as you like. He makes a killer Mojito, has almost completed God of War II, has now learned to pump gas, and totally worships you. Seriously. I think he likes you better than me so just take him off my hands already. If you want, we can do it all on the up and up and I can lose him in a game of poker or something. Let me know.

  2. Jennifer
    February 7, 2010

    Do. Not. Even. Get. Me. Started.

  3. February 8, 2010

    What? So they sew her up after her knife fight. They cut out her baby. They sew her back up. And everyone lives happily ever after? Nobody thought to maybe carve the poor girl a little vagina? None of her boyfriends ever suggested maybe she was missing an essential doorway of love? How does she menstruate? Where does the ovum and uterine wall lining go every month? There’s something fishy about this story and I don’t mean in the vaginal sense.
    .-= XUP´s last blog ..Surviving the Next 50+/- Years =-.

  4. JD
    February 8, 2010

    A shout out on your blog is almost as awesome as feeling both my boys hiccupping at the same time… okay not comparable at all – the hiccupping thing is pretty freaky. I’m glad I’ll get to start reading regularly again and not keep checking in on you to see that your crap layout is still up and for some reason my eyes just can’t handle it.

    AND WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THE TWINS there must be some serious government consipracy in the processed foods we’re eating or something. I was on an elevator this morning with a guy who told me he had twin boys at home who were almost four months old. WAY WAY too many twins going on right now.

  5. She re hahaha
    February 9, 2010

    Woot woot! Please pay close attention to the date and time of this! It is 3:30 am and I haven’t been to sleep yet! Instead we are screaming, crying, reading your blog & doing some testing for the government about torture via sleep deprivation. O & J already love your blog and cupcakes.

    And to J.D. and your twin boys – good luck with your nipples.

  6. jodi
    February 9, 2010

    are you shittin about that story?

  7. heathen
    February 9, 2010

    I am not shitting you, Jodi. I promise you that! Seriously…though XUP raises some interesting doubts that others have raised, according to the articles I have read…but it appears to be true inasmuch as an old medical mystery can be true. Or something. I don’t know. All I know is that it says a girl without a vagina was impregnated in a knife fight and that’s fucking crazy.

  8. February 10, 2010

    Knocked up (sans vagina) in a knife fight … huh. I’ll be damned.

    But srsly, it took me more than 2 years to get pregnant, and during that increasingly desperate and depressing time, I took personal, tearful offense at everybody else who dared — fucking DARED — to get pregnant ahead of me. JUST TO SPITE ME — Angelina Jolie, you bitch!

    So I feel ya. Sincerely. It’s fucking tough, and I hate that it has to be so hard for you. Hate!
    .-= Gleemonex´s last blog ..Foursquare Tuesday =-.

  9. February 17, 2010

    i love that story, it’s amazing and i guess the girl didn’t have a vagina? that shit is whack. it reminds me of old school parents that warned you could get pregnant from kissing a boy. i wonder if that’s what happened to the mother mary?
    .-= leah´s last blog ..Be the Marriage PODCAST =-.

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