Helping Words

Janie has been going to therapy for the last few weeks because she has contracted the crazy.  Don’t tell her I said that because she thinks she’s going to therapy because of me but she is wrong.  SHE IS WRONG!  Last week her therapist made her role play and have a conversation with her fourth grade self and she giggled uncontrollably and then died of embarrassment.  I had to remind her that everyone would giggle and feel embarrassed talking to their fourth grade selves because what the hell were you thinking with those pants pulled up to your armpits and that hair and, really?  Really you needed to wear that purple hypercolor t-shirt everyday for two years?  And don’t even get me started on those stupid glasses and that pink butterfly hair clip.

As you may have guessed, Janie and I had a moment in our relationship a few weeks ago wherein we argued about some things and it’s okay, don’t worry, it wasn’t your fault.  Sometimes gay ladies fight and get upset but it doesn’t mean we don’t love you.  We worked it out together and Janie was able to discuss it in therapy where she had to role play and talk to me and tell me why she gets so defensive when I ask her what time it is.

Janie, what time is it?

YOU KNOW?  I don’t need that from you.  I’m doing the best I can!

I just wanted to know what time it was because I need to meet Carrie at 5:00.

I don’t know why you’re harping on me so much!  I paid that phone bill two weeks ago!

Janie, you’re not making any sense.

I just think you’re really being unfair.  Also, you got a stupid haircut!

Janie’s therapist thought it would be helpful to send her home with a sheet of conflict regulation statements called the Gottman Repair Checklist.  It includes statements that are helpful to conveying your feelings without escalating a discussion into an argument.  In other words, it’s for people who are total wieners, not for people like me who have spent years upon years building up a wall around my heart to ensure all my feelings belong only to me. They are not yours and you have no right to understand them. Also what’s the point in having a relationship unless you get to win all the fights regardless of being right or wrong? It’s not how you play the game, people, it’s who ends up crying when all is said and done. Let that be a lesson to you, single people. This is what you’ve been doing wrong all these years.

In response, I’ve composed a checklist of my own in direct competition with Dr. Gottman and his years upon years of research into healthy relationships. I like to refer to my list as The Uncouth Heathen Guide to A Successful Relationship.  This is how we have managed to make it work all these years.  All these eight, long, long, long, long years where every morning Janie rolls over and sees me still there by her side and says, “You again.  I can’t believe you’re still alive.”  It’s pretty magical, really.

Gottman uncouth heathen
Please say that more gently Stop, son, stop.
That hurt my feelings It’s funny because you’re a bitch and I hate you.
That felt like an insult What did the five fingers say to the face? *SLAP* Cold blooded!
Please don’t lecture me. Bitch, please.
I don’t feel like you understand I stopped listening to you five minutes ago when COPS came on.
I can see my part in all this. You’re the most wrong you’ve ever been.
I’m sorry. Please forgive me. You don’t know this baby!
Let’s try that one over again. You better recognize!
I agree with part of what you’re saying. You are so wrong right now. There is nothing in the world ever that has been more wrong than you are right now. Except maybe what you say tomorrow.
Let’s find our common ground Suddenly, I don’t think I love you anymore.
I think your point of view makes sense That doesn’t make any sense!
Let’s agree to include both our points of view in a solution Just do whatever. I don’t care. I’m bored. Ooh! COPS is on!
Please be quiet and listen to me You shut your whore mouth!
I need to finish what I was saying I want to tell you about my childhood in the hope that you’ll feel bad about the things you’ve said. I’ve had a rough life and you could never fully understand the horrors of what I went through. I mean, my sister thought she was the boss of me. THE BOSS of ME! You don’t know how hard that was!
Can we take a break? I’m going out to find a hooker.
Please be gentler with me You’re awful.
I might be wrong here If you didn’t know that Jesus was a Jew, and EVERYONE KNOWS THAT JESUS WAS A JEW, then what else have you been wrong about all your life? Certainly you’re wrong right now and maybe you should just admit that so we can move on.
Please stop. *talk like a robot* ERROR. ERROR. DOES NOT COMPUTE. ERROR. ERROR. DOES NOT COMPUTE. *continue until talking ceases*
I want to change the topic This right here is a Colt .45 and I’m pretty sure it means we’re done talking about this.
We are getting off track. I don’t see how you pulling out that handgun is relevant to any of this conversation. Oh? OH. I see what you’ve done there.
I know this isn’t your fault This is absolutely your fault. I’m not going down for this. I can’t go back to jail!
I see your point I don’t know what you’re talking bout. Nothing you say makes any sense. All I hear is a really high-pitched squealing noise but I can’t understand any of it.
I understand Fuck you.
I love you I wish you were dead.



  1. February 27, 2010

    Me and my Lady Gay are going to put this into practice right away. RIGHT AWAY! God knows how we lasted this long without it.
    .-= mindbodymama´s last blog ..Mind Body Mama: This I Believe =-.

  2. Janie
    February 28, 2010

    This is why I love you.

  3. Hannah
    February 28, 2010

    I’m so sorry I missed you guys today. I had to work and then I got horribly, horribly lost and totally missed my chance to see you two and Gus. Shoot. On the plus side, though, I just read your post and have tears rolling down my face. That is one of the funniest things I have ever read. Thank you.

  4. March 1, 2010

    What planet does that Dr. Gottman live on? “Let’s agree to include both our points of view in a solution” Pffft. That always works well during a heated argument. I think Janie should quit Dr. Gottman and start reading more blogs. The blogs have all the answers.
    .-= XUP´s last blog ..Holi Bhang! =-.

  5. alyssa
    March 1, 2010

    umm. did you happen to see the marriage ref? you need to. it was amazing.

  6. heathen
    March 2, 2010

    I am glad I am able to contribute to the health of your relationships, mindbodymama and Monica. I am also available for more intense therapy at a steep fee, if you’re interested.

    And you can all see, this does work. Janie loves me and is not afraid to declare it publicly. Do not believe those who would argue that this is all very emotionally abusive and unhealthy. They clearly do not understand the workings of a successful relationship, as I do.

    XUP – I have Janie on an intensive blog-reading regimen. Fear not!

    Alyssa – We no longer have cable/television, but I have heard about the marriage ref. I bet I can find it online and I bet it is deliciously insane.

    Hannah – I am sorry we missed you! And thank you! 🙂

  7. March 2, 2010

    Now see, you say more intense therapy is available at a steep fee and I’m considering it quite seriously, then you go and reveal the “blog reading regimen”. Now I already now what my next step for Donna should be and I haven’t even paid anything.

    .-= Monica´s last blog ..Dear Bank =-.

  8. heathen
    March 6, 2010

    Oh, Monica. You’ll pay, eventually. They all do.

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