Link Dump

I’ve been collecting delicious links again!  I’ve managed to come across so many cute and tasty and fucked-up things in the last months that my special email folder is bursting at the seems.  But not really because email is email and not a pair of pants.

I have always loved to watch the Olympic gymnastic teams do their crazy body flinging acrobatics.  I watched Kerri Strug land on that busted ankle after a near-perfect vault during the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta, for God’s sake!  I don’ t think they have  Bicycle Gymnastics in the Olympics, though, because I’d already have known all about this and would be practicing it in the parking lot on my Schwinn dirt bike with Janie right fucking now to prepare for Vancouver 2010.  Or whatever comes after because, you’re right, it would be a summer sport.  Fine, whatever.

If cartoon characters were real I feel pretty certain I wouldn’t watch any of them.  Or I would because there are certain things I can’t help but stare at, like a plate of donuts and grotesque faces.

Learn something new every day.  Not here on this website, no.  Certainly not.  But I’ll show you where to do it.  Because I care about you.

How to survive anything except it isn’t about how to survive anything.  I didn’t see one word about how to survive a viewing of Jesus Christ Superstar with your in-laws (tip: whiskey and crack-cocaine) or how to survive after having eaten 27 killer bees laced with rat poison.  I guess they weren’t as thorough as they thought over there at National Geographic.  Someone needs to up their quality control before pushing the publish button.  Not me, though.  No way.

This is a link to a video showing off the sounds of some of the worlds biggest cats.  I don’t mean Carson who now weights 18-1/2 pounds.  I mean tigers, cougars and servils (which are the creepiest and most awkward looking cats I’ve ever seen).  Also, did you know the lion’s roar can be heard up to five miles away?  The only sound that can be heard from farther away is my mother screaming EARTHQUAKE!  True story. [via]

I love puzzles.  Until the cats knock the pieces off the table and the Gus eats them.  Then I get a little bit of puzzle rage and the new neighbors wonder why Linsey is running around naked in the yard with a puzzle box on her head.  Maybe instead of doing regular puzzles, I’ll just put this awesome hardwood puzzle flooring in our house.  Eat that, Gus! [via]

You know, I realize that as a lady and not a man I can never realize the pain and torment of getting kicked in the balls.  I do understand enough to know that having them twisted until they come off is possibly one of the most horrifying things a guy could have happen to him.  I recoil in horror alongside you, gentlemen.  I am on your side.  This should not be allowed to happen.

I hope the guy who designed this retro PC gets enough funding so that I can buy this computer.  I realize I have a perfectly functional computer right now that is doing a great job in connecting me to the Internet and allowing me to bring you quality news and entertainment via this here quality website with all the quality and entertainment I have on here for you.  But seriously.  This computer would look so rad sitting in my office with all the other things I want to buy but don’t need.  Also, I hope it never comes in Mac because they don’t deserve it with their snooty Macbooks and Mac other things and Maciness.  Except you.  Never you. Also, yeah, I did just use the word “rad.”  I’m reliving my youth.

A few years ago I got three different waffle makers for Christmas.  Now I have a reason to use all three at once.  The Waffleizer, where the one question they aim to answer is: Will it waffle?  It’s liek someone made a special website based on my daydreams.   I’ll use one waffle maker to try the s’moreffles, one for the twice-waffled bread pudding and the last for plain waffles.  I will eat them all.

I saw this recipe for marmalade last week and I thought it might be interesting to try to make it, even if it does call for so much sugar that I’ll be in a diabetic coma when I eat it.  I was telling my mom about it and she got all excited and offered me a can of oranges.  I told her I wanted to use fresh oranges.  She kept insisting that they were fresh, she’d just poured them out of the can into a bowl.  I said No, Mom, fresh oranges! She was getting very angry that I was suggesting that her oranges were not fresh.   THESE ARE FRESH SEVILLE ORANGES!  THEY JUST CAME OUT OF THE CAN!  THEY ARE FROM SEVILLE! I said, Okay…fresh from the can, whatever.  And then she said I should just forget it.  She was very close to using the f-word and that is when you know my mom has had enough.  Side note: Seville oranges are used in place of the banned ingredient  ephedra in herbal weight-loss products.  They work as an appetite suppressant, so I guess I should have taken them to make a secret diet marmalade.  I could have made millions with my appetite suppressing fresh-canned Seville marmalade.

Making soccer balls is very complicated.  I never knew!  Watch as the 2010 FIFA World Cup match balls are made, IF YOU DARE!

People are weird, generally. Occasionally you come across people who are pretty fucking weird.  Like me, sure.  Okay.  You went for it.  Good for you!  But then there are people who are fucking crazy.  People who are pretty fucking crazy do things like tear another guy’s balls off and make their own sex dolls.  Yeah, I’m looking at you.  I know what you have hiding in that closet.

One day, pretty soon, when science figures out how to rehydrate my ovaries and get the stink of sulfur out of them, we’ll have a baby.  Since that baby will be so precious because it was made of the human body’s equivalent to a raisin, it will need to be protected from things like wind, rain and aliens.  That’s why I am endorsing the gun shape baby cradle, although I may hold out for one with a built-in rocket launcher.  Just in case.  You never can be too careful when it comes to babies.  Or so I hear, from people with babies, which I don’t have on account of the inability to do that sort of thing.  Nature so so cruel!

Sometimes you need to make sure you do something, but it needs to be done in the future and remembering is so hard sometimes because of all the drinking you’ve been doing.  Sometimes you need a reminder, but writing it on your calendar isn’t always enough.  Also, maybe your family is tired of having to call you the day before to make sure you remembered that they were getting together for Christmas on, you know, Christmas.  Hey, okay!  I have the tool for you.  FutureMe allows you to send your future self an email reminder.  Go ahead!  Do it!  Remind yourself that on December 29th, I’m having a birthday and you’ll not want to forget to celebrate with cake in the conference room like you did for everyone else.  Maybe this year you won’t forget.   And maybe I won’t forget that you forgot last year.  Because I send myself a daily reminder using FutureMe to make sure that the future me never forgets that you forgot it was my birthday and neglected to buy me a delicious cake.

Here’s another thing I’m going to make.  I thought Janie would appreciate it because I can use this recipe for grenadine it to make her the delicious Shirley Temple that she loves so much.  And since I made the drink she loves using an ingredient that I made myself, maybe it’ll convince her to finally take that top off.  Maybe.  But probably not.  JANIE IS SO SELFISH! [via]

You guys, I hate to harp on a subject, as you know.  I rarely beat a topic to death around here.  Certainly I never repeatedly make jokes about Janie, her top and my inability to have babies, but I can’t help but put another link to a waffle recipe.  Liege waffles are all the rage, suddenly.  Near my work, they opened a liege waffle shop.  So far I have tried the plain, banana brulee and chocolate varieties.  Well, the lovely Seattle blogger not martha has offered up her recipe for the perfect liege waffle so we can make them ourselves!  YES!  Check it out and make me some waffles.   But not the banana one because that was gross.

And just to, you know, keep the theme going, here’s a little article on the brief history of my rotting ovaries waffles.  But hey!  At least I didn’t mention the great Eggo waffle shortage of 2009!  Oh.  Damn it.

Wasn’t there a movie starring Nicole Kidman where she worked as  UN translator, but someone was trying to kill her because she mistranslated some words or spilled her hot cup of McDonald’s coffee on the prime minister of Canada or uncovered an assassination plot?  And she played someone from Africa because, apparently, everyone in Africa speaks with an Australian accent and is grotesquely pale?   I can’t remember because I didn’t see it and really it doesn’t matter.  I just thought this article on how interpretation works at the UN was pretty neat.

Some people are adopted.  Like our kids will probably be.  Sometimes those kids go looking for their birth parents and hey find them and develop loving relationships with the people who gave birth to them.  Then, sometimes, they find out their father is Charles Manson, who raped their mother in a drug-filled orgy, and they get crazy letters from prison.

I grew up thinking that my family had a lot secret family lingo, come to find out it was actually just German.  Anyhow, here’s a radio show on the secret language of families.  Janie and I are starting a secret language of our own involving only the most horrifying of words and swears.  They all mean “I love you” all the time, no matter how or where you say it, even if you scream it after someone breaks your car.  I’m not angry!  I’m saying I love you.  A LOT.

Several years ago, Janie’s parents took a month-long cruise to Antarctica and came back with some amazing photos of enormous glaciers.  I don’t have any copies to show you, but that’s okay because this website has some of the most beautiful and amazing photographic evidence that global warming is a total lie that I have ever seen.  And by lie, I mean not a lie, really.  Also, when they got their cruise materials, it said that if they fell off the boat into the frigid waters, they should just swim down as deep as they could because it would be less horrific to drown than to freeze to death.

These are the consequences of junk mail.  I think.  I don’t really know, but I like it.  I think that guy flipping his desk is screaming “PROSTITUTION WHORE!”  because after watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey, every table flip will need to include those words.

I’m a big fan of videos on how things are made, except for that one birthing video in high school health class.  Are you curious how toilets are made?  I wasn’t either, until I saw this.  Fascinating!

Next year, for Christmas, I’m going to make this caramel and fleur de Sel popcorn and bag it up all pretty, so it looks like I bought it.  Then I’m going to put price tags on them and give them out as gifts to people who will believe I paid $15.00 for two cups of Grandma’s Get it Poppin’, Bitch gourmet popcorn.

When I was in grade school, we had these yo-yo people come put on a show for us and then afterward they’d sell all of us unsuspecting kids a yo-yo or two with the expectation that we could do what they were doing.  I bought one that lit up and then I broke it pretty quickly after it yo’d straight into the wall.  Anyhow, here’s an interesting article on the world of professional yo-yoers.  The following is the best thing I’ve read all day: At last year’s World Yo-Yo Competition, one competitor was carted off on a stretcher. The injured yo-yoist, from Singapore, dislocated his knee during a freestyle competition, which often involves intense full-body choreography.

Some people write blogs because they’re looking to be noticed by publishers who will give them a book deal.  It happened to Dooce.  It happened to that woman who did the whole Julia Child’s cookbook thing.  It even happened to that crazy lady who spent a year following every piece of advice Oprah doled out on her show, inasmuch as she could afford to.  Whatever.  Fine.  I’m sure you’re a nice person but there are people who have done that that for free every day for 25 years.  Well, I am here to tell you that I feel fairly certain that no publisher will ever notice me over here in this small, quality corner of the Internet, which is why I am glad I found this website on bookbinding.  Yes.  After a few months of reading up on how to bind books in a variety of fashions, I’ll be publishing my own book of essays called: Oh.  OH.  OH NO.  DON’T DO THAT!  How to Make Love the Uncouth Heathen Way (with a hat tip to Bruce Campbell).

Well, that’s it for this edition of the link dump.  Come again!

5 thoughts on “Link Dump

  1. David1949 says:

    “Wasn’t there a movie starring Nicole Kidman where she worked as UN translator, but someone was trying to kill her because she mistranslated some words or spilled her hot cup of McDonald’s coffee on the prime minister of Canada”.
    Just a friendly warning. If’n y’all come up here north of the 49th with anything besides a Tim Horton’s double double to spill on our PM we will swarm down there and wipe out your entire swanky coffee industry.
    Timmy was a defenceman in the NHL you know. I’m thinking no stinking Starbucks like logo is going to stand up to that.
    You and Nicole have been warned.
    .-= David1949´s last blog ..Olympic Withdrawal =-.

  2. XUP says:

    I’m a little suspicious of Chuck Manson Jr. What are the odds that this kid would have exactly the same facial hair and head hair configuration as his old man? Other than that he doesn’t look anything like Charles Manson. And he definitely does NOT have the essential Manson crazy eyes. Poser. (BTW – There are actually a bunch of Hitler’s relatives living in the US. They changed their names to something else though)
    .-= XUP´s last blog ..Extreme Sleeping =-.

  3. heathen says:

    Well, so far there is nowhere. It is very, very rare. I will let you know when I have a hand-bound copy ready of my phat beats or, you know, quality expositions. You should rest assured that I will put each copy through rigorous testing to assure they will stay together. I will flip the pages fast and flow, I will put it in a backpack and carry it around town, I will take a margin note and, finally, roll around in bed with it for a good 30 seconds and then fall asleep with it, clutched tight for protection.

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