So, it’s that time of year, people. It’s January, things are feeling fresh and new. You’ve thrown out all your bad habits like smoking and drinking to excess and being a selfish whorebag. You’re entering the year with such high hopes, like 2010 is a brand new baby and just look at it, so full of possibility, so clean and cute. Later it will shit and puke all over you, throw tantrums in the middle of the cat toy aisle at Target, call you a bitch, steal your car, have sex in your bed, burn the house down, marry someone you disapprove of, move you into a nursing home after stealing all your money and when you’re at your frailest point, teetering on the brink of sanity, it’ll hold a pillow over your face and drain the last bits of life right out of you, but right now it’s the best thing that could have ever happened to you. Yes, I know. I’m here with you. I see the baby and I love it, too. We all do.
I don’t usually make serious resolutions because I don’t have that kind of follow-through. I have that list of 100 things I try and fail to complete each year. I don’t like to push myself because why strive for excellence when you can strive for sitting in your recliner and falling asleep by 830pm. I’m just joking about that. I don’t have a recliner and the cats steal my chair every time I get up. Last night I had to sit in the dog’s bed after I went to the bathroom because Carson is a bitch whore who wouldn’t get out of my seat. CATS ARE TERRIBLE. Never get one. Especially not three. Why do I have to keep telling you this? You should have learned by now.
Janie and I each got an iPod Touch over the holidays and we quickly downloaded a free app (look at that, I’m two weeks in and I know all the technical lingo) called Lose It! which is a way to track your calories and exercise. I haven’t started exercising yet this year – I like to slowly settle into old lazy habits in the first weeks of the new year and then jar my unsuspecting body awake with long, brisk walks and martial arts of my own creation after it thinks I’ve forgotten about maybe trying not to be fat anymore.
We’ve diligently been tracking everything we eat. We even dusted off that digital food scale to weigh our portions. This was especially helpful when Janie tried to give me too much meat the other night. She’s very competitive that way, sneaking too much meat onto my plate like that. You can’t take your eyes off her for a minute because the next thing you know she’s dusted your broccoli with skittles and before you realized what’s happened, you’re up a few thousand calories because you decided just to finish the rest of the two-pound bag before they go stale.
Counting calories is very, very difficult. As it turns out, there are significantly more of them in cupcakes and Doritos than there are in things like carrots and salad. It just doesn’t seem right, but I looked online and, sure enough, there it is plain as day. Who thought this was a good idea?
Anyhow, I’m going to stick with it for a little while longer to see how things go. Maybe at some point I’ll start drinking appropriate amounts of water because someone in the elevator just told me that Pepsi and Ginger Ale are way worse for me than water. I didn’t believe them until I checked online but now that I know they were right I kind of feel bad for throwing that can of pop all over their back when they were walking away.
Also, P.S. to 2009. You can go straight to hell.