Skippy just shit his pants.

You know, just as I was starting to get used to the fact that Meredith Baxter no longer goes by Meredith Baxter Birney, here she comes with all her short hair and look alike gay lover and I’m sorry, but it’s too soon for me. I can’t be expected to go from Meredith Baxter Birney, mother to Alex, Jennifer and Mallory and that other kid to Meredith Baxter, lady gay. It’s too much too soon. But you know what I do enjoy? I love it when a lady the age of my mother – who is very proper and never one to use swears unless you mess with her on cookie baking day – busts out a fuck or a shit in the middle of an interview. TWO TIMES this week I’ve seen it. First Meryl Streep’s interview in the January 2010 issue of Vanity Fair and now Meredith Baxter, the late in life lesbian, in her interview with the Advocate. Fuck yeah!

I like the swears.

I went to the dentist today for my 6-month cleaning. This is the third visit to this particular dentist and I originally chose him because Janie and her family had been going there for something ridiculous like 20 years. I like to switch dentists every 2-3 years because I am only a sporadic flosser and can’t handle the shame of having to keep going back to the dentist who looks on at me in silent judgment. I HAVE A VERY BUSY LIFE THAT MAKES REGULAR FLOSSING VERY DIFFICULT! I am too busy watching Xena: Warrior Princess and eating cupcakes. So I’ve been to this particular dentist three times and he’s a very nice, kind Polish man who Janie has basically grown up with. Except he keeps calling her Jamie and is that weird to you? Is it weird to you that this man with access to medical records and dental charts and the parents of the child he’s been seeing for 20 years can’t get her name right? I think it’s weird, but then again I have that whole issue with the bank name and maybe I’m just extra sensitive to it. But then today he started asking me about working at the library and going on about a book on tape he was trying to request and was having trouble with and blah blah blah he likes them because there are no commercials like the radio, etc. The whole time he’s talking and finally I tell him – Dude, I don’t work at the library. That’s Janie. and he says to me, OH, JAMIE. Yes. You don’t work there, too? And I’m thinking, not only do I not work at the library, but if I did I would not want to spend my leisure time in the dental chair talking about my work and solving your problems with putting a cassette tape on hold. Also, it’s not that hard and you’re a fucking doctor. How can you not get this?

So listen, people. Here’s the deal. Here’s a tip for dealing with your lesbian friends and relatives and clients. Just because we’re gay and ladies and because maybe after a certain amount of time together we start to look more and more alike, it doesn’t mean we’re the same person. It certainly doesn’t mean we work at the same job and enjoy the same taste in music (GOD NO) and no, I’m sorry, for the last fucking time we are not sisters. My sister looks nothing like me, the way God intended it to be.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’ve had a rough day of the scree scree scree of a dental cleaning and I just ran out of steam so I’m going to leave you with an Internet tip and then a question. Internet Tip: Hit the control button and press refresh at the same time if you can’t see the new December masthead. I’m particularly please with myself this time around. If you hate it, well, go fuck yourself. Question (from the Vanity Fair Proust Questionnaire): What trait do you most deplore in others?

4 thoughts on “Skippy just shit his pants.

  1. bandobras says:

    Oddly I just went to the dentist myself yesterday.
    There is one way to enjoy the process.
    When they first touch you anywhere in your mouth with their sharp pointy things scream really loudly, even if they didn’t hurt you.
    It freaks out anyone else in the office, and why shouldn’t they be on edge, and it keeps the pointy thing pusher on their toes.
    By the way the masthead looks great.
    .-= bandobras´s last blog ..Recall =-.

  2. XUP says:

    When did Meredith Baxter go gay? And why do you have to have short hair to be a lesbian? I think maybe that’s where the confusion about who’s who and where you’re working comes in. How are people supposed to tell you apart if you all have the same haircut?
    .-= XUP´s last blog ..Cultural Snobbism =-.

  3. Pamela says:

    Ha! Masthead is great.

    I have some sort of magical mouth chemistry that makes it look like I’m the best flosser alive even though I only floss a few times a year like after I’ve eaten corn or if I seem to have incurable bad breath or if I’m going to the dentist the next day. My co-worker does not have magical mouth chemistry and he flosses every day – but only once because more would be ridiculous. He’s always getting lectured about flossing regularly. I hope there’s a lesson in there somewhere.
    .-= Pamela´s last blog .. =-.

  4. E's Mom says:

    So we’re still meeting up for our regular Tuesday coffee, right? Then taking Gus to the park?

    I’m with ya on the whole Baxter-Birney thing. I know she dropped the Birney like 15 years ago or something but you can’t watch the intro to Family Ties in syndication and on HULU without seeing it so that she will remain. Period. I don’t care how many lady gays she beds, she will always be a Birney!

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