So here’s a video of a domesticated squirrel that I absolutely want to steal.
In other news:
Did any of you hear about that guy who, while diving in Australia, was stung by a tiny jellyfish no bigger than a peanut and was rushed to intensive care? He was wearing a special wetsuit meant to keep the skin from contact with the venomous jellyfish known to be abundant during Australian summers. The suits cover everything but the head, feet and hands. So this dude dives into the water face-first, right into the most venemous jellyfish alive. Seriously. This is the stuff that would happen to me.
I have noticed a real uptick in the number of people finding supposed holy images. Is it because we’re getting closer to Christmas and people are feeling more and more fucking crazy? I don’t know. Some people found an egg with a cross in it and I don’t know what the hell kind of egg that is, but there is more wrong with it than he fact that it has a cross on it. What is it all yellow and shriveled? They claim it is a message from God and I’m here to tell you that’s God’s message is DO NOT EAT THAT ROTTEN EGG. Then some lady found a Virgin Mary on her pancake. I also heard someone found Jesus on her iron. Here are some other places people have claimed to see Jesus (I promise you, I did not make these up): marmite lid, a cheeto, Kit Kat, toilet seat, car window, curtain, burger grease and a dog’s ass.
To finish up, some jackass in prison shoved a weapon – a shiv – into his ass. After a few weeks it started to chafe and I guess he couldn’t take it anymore so he told the guards and it had to be surgically removed.
I’m categorizing this post in WTHHI1950 (Would This Have Happened In 1950) because I want to know what you think – in 1950 would we have heard stories about finding Jesus in a toilet or some inmate concealing a shiv in his ass for three weeks? Hit me with your thoughts on this.