uncouth heathen’s First Annual Holiday Gift Guide
Some people love meat and more often than not you can check them off your list with a meat of the month club or something from Omaha steaks or, once, there was a truck going around our neighborhood selling excess meat or something. I think he was just casing the neighborhood using meat sales as his cover, and I was especially convinced of it when people kept getting burgled. Well, anyhow, that’s not the point. The point is that some people are harder to shop for. Some people are more discerning. And what I mean by this is that some people are vegans and while I don’t understand their kind and I think they’re dangerous and should be sent to prison, well, they’re still walking around and I guess some of them need Christmas gifts too. So for those people, and more exactly, for the vegans who love the taste of meat but who don’t really want to eat meat, there’s something they’re going to love.
Meet Hufu. Tofu that tastes like human meat. How do they know? God only knows, but do we really want to take up the challenge of seeing if they’re right? No, I don’t think so. So for your vegan friends, especially the ones who make you watch all those PETA videos, this is the ideal gift. (I’m just kidding. It’s not real. Sorry vegan cannibals.)
Sometimes squirting ketchup and mustard onto your hot dog is so boring with those stupid glass bottles where you have to pound the shit out of it before anything comes out and then is streams out like an avalanche and before you can do anything your lunch is ruined! RUINED! Or maybe you’re just sick of those squeeze bottles with their self-righteous squeezy plastic and highfalutin condiment dispensing precision. Well, if you’re sick and tired of all that and you want something totally unnecessary, then the Handgun Condiment Dispenser is the gift for you.
Sometimes you get angry and when you get angry you need to shoot a gun. I understand that. What better way get out your grumples and make it look like you just murdered someone in cold blood than with this people-pleaser? No one gets hurt and the only real damage is maybe you have an extra load of laundry to do. My god, the scores Janie and I could settle with this precious prize. In fact, I’m going to order a baker’s dozen for my entire family! Our disputes will end this holiday season, one way or another.
If you’re looking for the perfect holiday gift for that special someone in your life – and by special someone I mean alcoholic uncle - have I got an idea for you. Because sometimes a metal flask isn’t going to cut it. When you’re drunk on that firewater your cousin from Tennessee gave you, it can happen that your dexterity isn’t dexteriteous enough to unscrew that tiny metal cap and you need something easier, like a Capri Sun pouch but cooler and more obvious. Restoration Hardware to the rescue, my friends! The good people at Wired.com have nothing but good things to say about these Disposable Hip Flasks being sold in a set of 3 for $15.00:
Apart from the price (and the decoration), I like these liquor-sacks. When you’re done, they fold flat, and their flexible form means that they could be easily secreted in the crotchal region to defeat all but the most enthusiastic of friskings. A win for secret alcoholics everywhere.
I’m on board with any product that can be referred to as a liquor-sack. Seriously. Confidential to Janie: Put this in my stocking.
Sometimes people get lonely and when they get lonely they think, hey, I know, I’ll get a cat. They feel better for a while, but then the loneliness sets in again and that’s when they go out and get another cat. Pretty soon you end up with a bushel of cats and no one will take them off your hands, not even if you leave them on their front porch with a note clipped to them saying “I’m all out of love. I’m so lost without you.” Somehow those cats just keep coming back with a new note clipped to them saying “Fuck you and stop giving me your rotten cats.” Come on, Mom! Rude! Anyhow, do you know anyone who fits this description? I do (Janie). And that’s why I’m going to pass out the Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure.
One time, many years ago when I was a sad, lonely loser, back before Janie rescued me from my horrible life as a shut-in, I went camping by myself. I drove and drove until I found a campsite with availabilities. Since i t was Labor Day weekend and I hadn’t made reservations anywhere because I didn’t know any better on account of the fact that I am mildly retarded most times, I couldn’t afford to be picky. I finally settled in to a little campsite about an hour and a half outside of Seattle, a lovely little weekend home perched next to a large gathering of power transformers. All day and night there was the constant hum of power lines all around us. It was so powerful that you could actually feel the vibrations on your face if you sat still long enough which is what you can do when you’re camping by yourself and you have nothing to do because, hey, guess what! Camping alone is dumb unless you’re running from the fuzz. Well, that camping trip was what I first thought of when I came across the Powermat Wireless Charger.
Charge three devices all at once without plugging them in. Just rest them on the mat and viola! they’ll be charged up in no time on account of something sciency sounding having to do with magnetic fields. Also, I’m not sure, but I bet you could radiate a brain tumor if you hold it up to your face.
Sometimes Janie does things that make me so mad! And when I get mad I usually clean the house. Seriously. That’ll show her! This god dammn sink will be so clean she’ll be apologizing for weeks! That’s just the kind of crazy we’re living with here. So, if you’re living with someone like me, the perfect gift to give them is the Apology Notepad. Actually, I just gave this to my sister after she had a bad day. Because she’s my sister and we both inherited the crazy from a long, long line of people who are just not right.
Mostly what I would do is pre-check the boxes that say things like, I’m sorry I’m crazy or I’m sorry I did whatever I did just now because it was probably inappropriate and embarrassing to you. Then I’ll just leave them on Janie’s pillow every night before we go to bed because that is how things go around here.
From time to time, tragedy strikes. If you know someone who has had a family member crushed to death by falling objects, what better way to keep their memory alive than these beautifully crafted Falling Books Bookends.
Choose from frantically running away to avoid being crushed to death or accepting your fate but doing you best to soften the blow by holding your hands in the air because maybe you’re stronger than you think and you can hold up that cement wall like Superman. A beautiful gesture that will be cherished by all.
It’s so inconvenient to have a dog because what really makes them different from cats is that they don’t have the good sense to shit in the box you keep in your office closet. Instead they go outside and crap on that grass you planted this summer that is already dead, again, for the second God damn year in a row. And then you have to find a plastic baggie or a leaf or something to pick it up and throw it away so that some unsuspecting person, such as a certain someone I know who shall remain nameless, doesn’t mistake it for a leaf and try to pick it up and OOPS! I have dog shit on my fingers! That is why I love the PooTrap.
No Poops! No oops! Just strap this ridiculous and humiliating harness on your dog and let them shit in a bag before your very eyes. I bet they’ll be the envy of the dog park with all that gear. If nothing else, you could strap this on when you’re out with your friend who has the colostomy bag, you know, for solidarity.
Most people are pet lovers and those who aren’t are probably murderers or bus drivers. Sometimes people love their pets so much they need to take them wherever they go. When Gus was younger and small enough to fit into my coat, I’d take him to the store with me. If I had known about the following products I probably would have taken him to work. Choose from five patented Wearable Pet Carriers.
It’s handy ergonomic straps make it easy to carry your best friend wherever you go. If you’re concerned that your dog might be a bit too large to spend some quality time attached to your bosom in this cage and not snap your spine in half, never fear (I’m talking to my sister, specifically). Just try the calf carrier. You’ll be hauling your black lab around town like it’s second nature.
I know a lot of people who are having babies lately and I’m slowly learning to work through my bitterness and anger at those who are fortunate enough to birth a baby and then dangle it in front of my devastated infertile face. So if you have a pregnant friend who is excited about giving birth, what better gift to give than a hand-made childbirth education doll, complete with troublingly large breasts, a functioning birth canal and an anatomically correct baby with a dangling red afterbirth. If the $150.00 price has got you down, never fear! You can knit that shit yourself for just under $15.00. The website warns that is is not a project for the beginner, but I don’t know if that means knitting or birthing.
Is it wrong to feel sad that even a woman made out of yarn can have a baby and I still can’t? The science of infertility needs to do some research here because I’m a childless woman with rotting ovaries on the edge of a breakdown here! I could raise that yarn baby so nice.
Well, that’s it for the First Annual Holiday Gift Guide. Come back again next year for more amazing ideas!