I have a new hobby. It’s called Drinkin’.
A few days ago I was sitting at work and I had a craving for booze. This is notable because I don’t usually drink unless Janie is diagnosed with a horrible disease or our friend Carrie updates her Facebook status with another cryptic message about feelings.
When I do decide to have a little something, it’s usually in the form of the sweetest champagne or wine you can find – something so sweet that children would mistake it for juice. Delicious, delicious juice. My only other deviation is a Mojito and I usually only have those when I’m in Las Vegas and then Janie has to take away all my money.
So it was a surprise when I was sitting at my desk thinking about whiskey. Even more surprising that I spent my lunch looking up recipes for whiskey sours and other delicious-sounding whiskey drinks that include ice and whiskey. Like whiskey on the rocks! Whiskey with ice! WHISKEY! I’m going to name our next pet Whiskey, especially if that pet is a baby.
Before I went home that day, I stopped at our local grocer for lemons and pie. The lemons were for my whiskey and the pie was for my mouth-hole. Pie is delicious, you guys. Except for pumpkin pie which is a terrible waste of time. Yes – yes, you! – you ugly pumpkin pie with your pumpkin and spices. You are not delicious! There. I said it.
So I got home and I juiced a lemon into a tall glass. We got these two awesome Bodum Rigi Stacking Double-Wall Thermo glasses from Janie’s aunt this summer. She was here for a food-bloggers conference and since her bags were too full to pack all her food-blogger conference swag, she was forced to give us her leftovers, which is awesome because it was not cheap stuff in there. I could have sold it on eBay and bought several pies (not pumpkin). We kept almost everything, though, including these Bodum glasses which I would like many more of, please and thank you. They are lovely and light and they go really well with delicious whiskey!
So I made a delicious concoction, only there was so much lemon and whiskey together in such a small area that I got nervous. I didn’t want to get wasted after only two swigs. No, I did not. I’m not a small girl, but I do have very little tolerance to alcohol, so I needed to make sure the drink lasted longer and that it was not strong. So I filled the rest of the glass with diet coke.
Listen, people. Listen good. That drink was delicious. It was so delicious that Janie, lover of gins and tonics and more gins and more tonics, asked for several sips. And then she asked for more sips and then she drank the rest of it. I had about 1/3 of it and Janie drank the rest. So I made another and Janie drank about 3/4 of that one. We sat on the bed watching the final season of the L Word (which, I might add, we did not hate) and every time that bitch Jenny did something horrible, Janie asked for another sip! And let me tell those of you who do not know the L Word or have not watched far enough to understand, that bitch Jenny did a lot of horrible things. She did so many horrible things that the entire season was about how horrible she was. She was so horrible that she died and when she died, no one really cared, except for Lucy Lawless who played a cop (which was the biggest tragedy of the final season – that she was so underused in her role. I mean, come on, would it have hurt so bad to put her in a little leather and let her fight crime with her round killing thing?). Yes, I realize this is a very nerdy and very lesbian part of this story, but it is what it is. Yeah, you heard me…IT IS WHAT IT IS.
Then, last night, as we watched the last of the L Word and then watched Xena: Warrior Princess because they finally cut off our free cable, the same cable that they were supposed to cut off two years ago but for whatever reason, even after several phone calls amounting to me telling them – HEY, YOU DID NOT TURN OFF THE CABLE. I CAN SEE IT RIGHT NOW. THERE IS DELICIOUS FREE CABLE ON MY TELEVISION AS WE SPEAK – and their denying that we were accessing this free cable they claim they turned off but in fact, they did not, I made us another drink of delicious whiskey/lemon/diet coke and Janie kept drinking it. Drinking and drinking. And this is our relationship. I make myself something delicious, Janie asks for some, she asks for more and then she takes the last of it. Sometimes I actually offer her the last of it, but sometimes I do not. These delicious drinks in particular I was sharing, but I certainly made no overtures that it was okay to keep it on her side of the bed. I never suggested it might be appropriate that she keep the cup next to her. Oh, but she did. SHE DID. And then, when I made note of it, something akin to “HEY! WHERE IS MY FUCKING DRINK YOU DRINK THIEF” she picked it up and offered me the last sip, which we all know is backwash and, in this case, backwash and lemon seeds. RUDE! Then we got in a fight about whether or not there was such a thing as female centaurs because this is what nerds do when they’re drunk, okay? THIS IS WHAT WE DO. And by we, I mostly mean Janie because I also have other, cooler interests like video games and spending money at Home Depot, Costco and Target.
Tonight Janie works late and I’m going to sit in my home with my cats and dog and yarn animals of various shapes and sizes, and I am going to drink my drink and not share it with anyone but Gus. When Janie comes home, there will be nothing for her but her wife passed out in the hallway with nothing on but a ski hat and a tutu.
Fill a tall glass 1/3 with crushed ice
Pour in the juice of one lemon
Add 1-2 tbsp sugar
Pour in 1-2 oz. whiskey
Mix well (the sugar may settle, so it might server you well to use a shaker and go to town with it)
Fill to the top with diet coke and stir.
Drink while watching only the most shameful of television shows. Do your best not to share.