We have new neighbors, which is exciting because our old neighbors did not really care much for us, especially after I cut down that little tree that time even though it was ugly and dying and stupid.

It is amazing how things change when someone who lives above you, and with whom you have some very negative energy, goes away. Things feel lighter, happier, more peaceful and zen. Janie and I only said the word “bitch” twice this weekend and both time she didn’t really mean it, I keep telling her.

I’m no quite sure why, but our entire house has had a difficult time sleeping.  We’re all restless – cats, dogs, gays – everyone.  On Saturday night I was up until 3am.  I had to move out to the couch so I wouldn’t bother Gus and Janie with my tossing and turning and inspired dance routines that I sometimes like to do when I’m restless.  I spent hours on the couch listening to Celine Dion sing Christmas carols on my iPod until I couldn’t take it anymore and I went back to bed and slept until 1030am.  Last night was more of the same – I couldn’t get comfortable.  Then Gus threw up on Janie and she was asleep so she didn’t hear it, but I did.  And I will admit that I thought – well, if it isn’t bothering her then maybe I should just leave it there because I don’t really want to get up. And then I realized it would probably be inappropriate to let my wife sleep with dog vomit on her half of the sheets so I cleaned it up, but I made sure to wake her so she knew that I was doing the right thing.  Because what’s the point in doing the right thing if your wife doesn’t know it and thank you later by taking her top off?

On Wednesday evening my dad and I are going to make pies for Thanksgiving.  We’re making a regular and then a gluten-free pumpkin pie which is disgusting, but apparently other people enjoy that sort of thing and, well, there is no accounting for taste, as we all know.  My dad is a great chef and he has taught me how to make many things over the years, such as waffles, chickens, meats and a glass with whiskey in it.   Growing up, he made our lunches and dinners and breakfast on the weekends.  My appreciation for food comes from him and he is directly responsible for all those nights it has taken me two hours and $150 to go the the store to pick something up for dinner.  What, Janie?  I bought these two frozen turkeys because they were $15.00 a piece and you can’t pass up a bargain like that!  Also, I don’t know why you keep saying we don’t need all that Pepsi and Ginger Ale.  It was buy 2 cases, get three free.  MY GOD, JANIE.  THIS DEAL-MAKING DOESN’T HAPPEN EVERY DAY!

Janie and I were going to make Christmas gifts again this year.  Last year we made monsters, lovingly crafted and sewed by the both of us.  This year we were going to make bath bombs and tote bags until Janie came home, sat me down and said, “No one likes homemade gifts except for the people who make them.”  Then she punched me in the face and called me a whore.  That last part isn’t true, but she might as well have because it hurt just the same. So we’ve changed our game plan and instead of home made gifts for everyone, we’re just going to tell people we love them.  Then we’ll pass around a basket asking for money, like they do in church.  Keep passing it, let it get real nice and full.  Don’t forget that guy in the back.  Yeah, that one.  YES YOU!  I SEE YOU!  Let’s all look and stare at him until he is shamed enough to put in a twenty.


  1. E's Mom
    November 24, 2009

    Chester McFlamatory and Tookie Bekenheim both resent you saying they are not loved and cherished. They would both like bath bombs and Janie IS a whore. Ok, maybe not the last part but the first part is real. Some Monsters (and the people who own them) want homemade gifts. Unless of course that bucket o money is being passed on their behalf so they don’t end up on the streets for Christmas. I’m just sayin’.

  2. December 2, 2009

    i personally LOVE homemade gifts but i also LOVE to get LOVE as a gift. i’m happy that your bad neighbors went away, don’t talk to the new ones just in case they are assholes too. many neighbors are assholes so just don’t talk to anyone unless they live in the internet.

  3. Robin O
    December 10, 2009

    1. Is it ever too late to comment on a post?

    2. I actually disagree to some extent with Janie on the homemade gift thing. I loved your monsters!

    But the homemade gifts can be confusing and perplexing. Sometimes.

    OK, let me back up, because I really did like your yarn animals. I don’t think it MUST be this way with the gifts that are homemade, but in my life experience, it often has been. Gifts that someone actually spent more than about $1.75 to buy me more often seemed directed at my individual qualities with which that person became familiar via actually knowing me. Meanwhile, gifts that were homemade often seemed mass-directed.

    I mean, I get it, I really do. You want to be all holiday-esque and give your peeps some stuff, and it’s way easier to make 10 batches of the same cookie recipe and hand them out to all. And it’s always nice when others think of you, it is.

    So why don’t I just buck up and feel festive that someone gave me anything at all? Well, back to the perplexing part. Mostly, about what to do with some gifts.

    No, I really can’t eat a dozen cookies made with wheat. Nope. No can do. So, should I regift them? “Hi there, here’s some homemade cookies. No, actually I didn’t make them. Someone you don’t know did. But they’re fine. I just can’t eat them because they’d make me ill. But not YOU! You’d be fine. Really! YOU should eat them.”

    I’ve also been gifted a homemade vest made from yarn all the colors of the rainbow, with gold and silver flecks too. And bells on the edges. The giver did say she gave the same thing to several people.

    Anyone who gives me rainbow-colored gold-flecked clothing, then acts surprised when I don’t wear it in their presence . . . just really hasn’t been paying attention.

    I think with homemade clothing, some adults set aside all concerns regarding color, size, style, etc., and just substitute the word “homemade” for all of them. What color is it? Homemade. What style is it? HOMEMADE! And then assume that HOMEMADE is the one-size-fits-all that everyone always loves.

    Doesn’t always work so well, at least with clothing. That’s all I’m saying.

    (It works way better with monsters.)

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