WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
I guess it depends on who you ask this question.  If you asked my mom she’d probably say that someone she knew way back when had a baby and named her Lindsay and my mom loved it so much that she named me the same thing, but took out the “d.”  She’ll also tell you that no one else in the world spells Linsey like I do and that’s a lie because I’ve Googled it!  There’s a nude model out there named Linsey Dawn McKenzie. If you ask me, I’m named after Lindsay Wagner, the Bionic Woman, because that sounds cooler. Also, when I was little I wanted to change my name to Samantha and be called Sam like Alyssa Milano on Who’s The Boss.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Do you not read this website at all with all the feelings I have all the time?  With the feelings?  Seriously.  I am crying right now.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
From time to time, I do.  There are others whose handwriting I like more and I get a little jealous, but if I had to choose between my handwriting and Janie’s I’d choose mine in a heartbeat because seriously…Janie writes like a 7 year old boy whose off his Ritalin.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
I like a nice hot copa and provolone sandwich.  Either that or gelbwurst, a German luncheon meat that is so delicious. Sandwiches are so delicious, you guys! backlist wrote about National Sandwich Day earlier this week. Did you know of such a day? It’s one of the best days of the year behind Christmas, my birthday, any federal holiday for which I get paid to sit at home at watch television and other assorted days that involve cake.

DO YOU HAVE KIDS ?
You’re just rubbing it in, aren’t you.  Kicking a girl while she’s down on the ground, scooping up her rotting ovaries that smell like sulfur.  Why are you so hateful?

IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Yeah, totally.  I am my own best audience.  No one thinks I am as funny as I do, and if they do, well, there’s no accounting for taste.

DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Seriously? Most of my relationships are built upon a foundation of sarcasm and they could fall crumbling down at any moment.

DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
No, I do not.  Settle in, I have a story.  Several years ago, just before the Y2K and near a time where I was working a job that didn’t offer me health insurance you cheap assholes, I got sick.  I’d always had sore throats and such, but this was bad.  I had strep throat three times in a month.  It would get better and then come right back until one day I went to my sister’s house before work and was hysterically crying. Crying so hard that I had that ugly crying face that no one can stand to look at because, ew, what is that? My tonsils were so inflamed they were touching.  THEY WERE TOUCHING. I went to an urgent care clinic where the doctor told me I had strep again ad that I should maybe get my tonsils out because WOW.  Did you know they are touching? By some miracle, my parents found out that I still had insurance coverage because I was under 25 or in college or maybe because they said I was retarded and totally dependent on them. Who is to say? I had surgery to get those slimy bags of disease and sickness clipped right out of my throat. Insurance is nice to have and I feel for those that don’t have it because it was all so awful that if I couldn’t afford ot have surgery, I would have used nail clippers to cut those fuckers out myself. That’s how bad it was. I asked the doctor to save my extracted tonsils so I could have a look at them and maybe make a necklace, but they threw them away before I woke up.  They said that my tonsils were the biggest they’d ever seen.  That’s right.  I don’t half-ass anything.  If you want to be something, be the best!  I was sent home with liquid narcotics.  This was at the same time that a pipe had burst beneath the hall floor of our apartment, so we had a crew of several guys cracking open the cement floor for repairs.  I spent several days in my bed with that bottle of drugs, swigging it so I could sleep through the rattling of afucking jackhammer outside my bedroom door.

WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Would I like to plunge off a cliff with a rubber band attached to my waist and just hope it didn’t snap?  No thank you.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Lucky Charms.  I don’t like any cereals with flakes because they get soggy, and certainly no cereal with raisins in them because why do I want to eat rotting grapes?  So, basically, Raisin Bran is the worse cereal ever invented, if you ask me.

DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No.  Actually, when I come in the door, Gus sits at my feet and stares until I take my shoes off and then he steals them and drags them into the living room.  That is where he unties them for me and leaves them in a pile with his other collected items, like paper towels, dog bones, dish rags, underwear, socks, toys and more socks.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
I mostly do alright.  I can lift a fair amount of weight.  I could kick an ass or two.  Sure, yeah.  Okay.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Coconut or french vanilla.  I don’t really care for chocolate ice cream.  Or chocolate cake.  Or chocolate.  I’ll eat it if I don’t have options, but it will never be my first choice.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their teeth.  I have a thing for nice teeth.  Next I notice legs, specifically I notice if someone has toned, muscular calves.  Show me those gams.

RED OR PINK?
Red.  RED.

WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My inability to stop shoveling delicious foodstuffs into my fat whore mouth.  Oh, oops!  Look at that.  Maybe I should add my debilitating low self-esteem.

WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My Auntie Marianne.

WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
None.  My feet are bare and pretty fucking cold.  Gus keeps stealing my shoes.  I am missing one of my slippers.  It has been gone for weeks now.  I know not where he has hidden it.  He likes to bury his face in them.

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans and a shrimp salad.  As soon as I finished eating, the power went out.  It was just that delicious.

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The sound of the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion show coming from the bedroom where Janie is supposed to be writing but is probably asleep.

IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Bitchin’.

FAVORITE SMELLS?
Gain fabric softener, a freshly peeled orange, gasoline and fear.

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My sister who was nice enough to invite me over to watch television at her house because she had power and we did not.  She was going to watch CSI.  I politely declined because I was going to get our mini DVD player and watch Xena: Warrior Princess in our candlelit bedroom, but then the power came back on and that entire plan was shot to hell because suddenly we had all these things to do.

FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Football.  Definitely football.  Also, I like to watch Janie run.  It’s a special sport.

HAIR COLOR?
Brown.  With some gray.  I need a haircut.  God, do I need a hair cut.  This is ridiculous.

EYE COLOR?
Brown.  BROWN!  It’s all brown all the time right here.

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Not since I got that eye infection a few years ago.

FAVORITE FOOD ?
Carbs and candy and Pepsi and Ginger Ale.  Also, Gussy’s face.

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
I don’t like scary movies, especially vampire movies.  I guess I like happy endings, unless I’m having a bad day in which case the last thing I want to see is someone else being happy.  I want everyone else to be miserable like me, sitting in the shower with my yarn animals having a long talk about how we can settle some scores.

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
According to Netflix, it was Laurel Canyon (which I did not love), but I think I watched something that was on TV after that. Probably Practical Magic which I do love and could watch repeatedly.

WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
It’s yellow.  It has lemons on it.  Two lemons carrying another cut up lemon on a gurney.  Lemon-Aide.  HAHAHA.

SUMMER OR WINTER?
Winter.  I love the smell and quiet of a snowy morning and the crunch crunch crunch of my feet in the snow and the screee scree scree of those idiots crashing into other cars trying to drive down the icy hill.

HUGS OR KISSES?
I’ve always been into hugs.  I like the comfort and safety of being in someone’s arms.  Janie’s friend Annelise is the best hugger in the world.  Hands down.  Even better than Janie.  She makes me forget all my troubles.  When she hugs me hello I feel happy and I sing Sade songs as we gently rock to and fro.

FAVORITE DESSERT?
Donuts.  And cake.  And cupcakes.  And bacon.

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW ?
I’d like to add something really intelligent here, a real quality book to impress you and feel important, but this has been a bad year for me and books.  The last book I read was called 35,000 Baby Names.  Cover to cover.  It’s not much, but it made me cry in several places.

WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
My mouse pad is actually a pad of paper.  It’s a dual purpose mouse pad.  I write things on it like Leah’s address and all my biggest secrets, like that one about the color codes for my website.

WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
That stupid Top Chef: Reunion show that did not involve Stephanie and Antonia making out. They weren’t even on it. What a waste of time.

FAVORITE SOUND?
The clanking of coins from a slot machine falling into my money-hungry hands, the honking sounds Janie makes when she’s asleep and Gussy’s nightly sleep-barking. Also, someone telling me “here is your free cupcake, a plate of delicious bacon, ten million dollars and Terri Clark’s phone number. She is waiting patiently for your call.”

ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Hate them both. Sorry. But if I had to choose between Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears I’d pick Britney. Also, Terri Clark. I pick her most of all over everything ever always.

WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
I spent several months in Tokyo, Japan with this girl. Things did not go well. She ignored my Facebook friend request, but that’s okay because I ignored a lot of the truth when I knew her.

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
No comment. Thank you and good night!

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Seattle, Washington in the early afternoon on December 29th. Feel free to remember me this December with a gift basket or an edible bouquet.