On occasion, I like to sing a ditty

From time to time I like to sing little songs to Janie. Since about forever, I would sing her to sleep to the tune of Close To You by the Carpenters until, one very hurtful evening, she screamed NO! STOP! I hate that song. I have always hated that song. Also, I am a rotten whore! Then things went downhill from there and we agreed that there would be no more singing until she begged for forgiveness.  I am still waiting.

Sometimes I would make up songs, like that one about a charm bracelet or that other one about the humu­humu­nuku­nuku­?pua?a which I pepper with lies to suit the rhythm.  I’d like to make one of the little songs up for you now, Internet, to thank you for your kindness and also because Janie hasn’t begged me for forgiveness and the animals are full up on songs for the week.  So, this is for you, Internet.  This is for you.

The Internet is a place
Where I tell some stories
I talk about my crazy life
and then about my hateful wife

You come here to read it
and you sometimes write nice things
you tell me that I am funny
But you never offer money.

I love you anyway
I will keep doing what I do
You will never get rid of me
Because I’ve done nothing wrong and I have every right to be here to express my opinions and share my stories, some of which are half-truths, but only the parts where it was necessary for dramatic effect because real life events aren’t always quite that entertaining or tragic or ridiculous and unfortunately for me, this doesn’t include the thing about the dryer because that was all totally 100% true despite what Janie will say because she thinks I made her look bad and she really did it to herself by leaving me for dead.

My mom sometimes reads my writing
She laughs and then asks what it means that I wrote that “she will cut a bitch”
And I tell her it means she is a good person and she will cut you, bitch, if you come near her ever, for any reason, unless you know the password which may or may not be “verstehen.”
And she said, oh yeah, that’s true.  I will cut you, give me that switchblade from my purse.

And my sister sometimes reads stuff here if I say something about her dogs
My brother found it via Google
It wasn’t hard to do
But by far my favorite reader is Y. O. U. – yes, YOU.

You are from my book club
You’re my high school pal
You may be my good friend who made me cry at Blockbuster 10 years ago when you were my boss but you’re not my boss anymore are you, bitch?
But most are total strangers who are kind enough to keep coming back and saying nice things and befriending me on Facebook and so now we’re friends and you can’t escape my genuinely fond feelings of you as a person. I’m sorry. Don’t leave. I love you.

This is your song
I wrote it for you
It’s for all the good times we’ve had together
Through thick and thin and snowy weather

You might find this weird
But I’m going to say it anyway at the risk of sounding creepy and bringing our relationship to a new level of awkwardness
If you were here beside me, and I could see your face
I’d distract you with my wit and charm and dog and then spray my can of mace

And lock you in my hall closet
Don’t worry, there will be ample food and water and internet access
Then make you say nice things to me every day
You will never get away.

Never get away.



  1. October 20, 2009

    This is the awesomest post ever. And that’s not just the codeine-laden cough medicine & lack of sleep talking! Also, please stop making me laugh so much, it hurts & makes me cough way too much.
    .-= fairydogmother´s last blog ..Should I Happen To Win The Lottery =-.

  2. E's Mom
    October 20, 2009

    For real? You still gonna hold on to that one little incident that you can’t even give me details on? Isn’t the fact that I introduced you to your wife enough to wipe the slate clean of any crying that went on over a decade ago?

    Also – I like when you sing Close to You. Especially around Janie. It’s fun to watch her squirm sometimes. Ya know?

  3. October 20, 2009

    I’m singing this internet song (in my head) to the tune of “Breaking Up is Hard to Do”. I’m so verklempt that you chose to give us, your internet weirdos, this awesome gift of song. I don’t want to live in your closet, but I’d be happy to pop over every day and say nice things to you. And you wouldn’t have to pay me or anything. Just don’t make me live in a closet. Okay?
    .-= XUP´s last blog ..Malls ‘N’ Things =-.

  4. October 20, 2009

    I wish I were your neighbor so I could come over and you could sing that song to my face. I’d even bring you a casserole once in a while.

  5. heathen
    October 21, 2009

    You are all precious. I will need to expand my closet to fit you all inside.

  6. November 9, 2009

    awww i LOVE that song! it’s awesome. i made up a song one time while the four of us (husband, the boy, the girl, and me) were traveling in a car to a faraway place. it was called “the peeing song” b/c i had to go really really bad.

    keep sharing your songs!!

    maybe janie would prefer you sing “have you never been mello?”
    .-= leah´s last blog ..been taking pictures again =-.

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