Or, “Look, if it’s about that time I puked green slime and masturbated with a crucifix, it was my first keg party, Bobby!”1
In April I posted Part I of Armageddon, a Tutorial. Well, here we are in September October and I guess it’s time for Part II. We left off just before *TOOT! TOOT! TOOT!* The Trumpet Judgments:
You might think that someone like me, a heathen, wouldn’t know much about this subject, but surprise! I played the trumpet for three years back in grade school – a CATHOLIC GRADE SCHOOL – so I know a thing or two about trumpets and judgment.
Chapter 8 of our good friend Revelation tells of the trumpet judgments. Every toot of the horn brings about a horrendous plague, each more awful than the one prior, except for the first one because there was no plague before it, only that angels hurling fire at the earth thing as discussed during Part I. The trumpet serves as a warning, to build anticipation for what is to come, only really, if you’re reading this you won’t be surprised. Maybe I’ll print out some pocket Armageddon guides so you’ll have it with you and you’ll know what’s next in the playbook. God didn’t see that coming. Maybe I should have tooted my horn to build the anticipation. Oooh, Lord! Ya burnt!
After the first trumpet, we’re gonna get hail, fire and blood pounding down on the earth. We’ll be used to the fire because the angels have already been hurling it at us and if you live in Seattle, like I do, you’re no stranger to hail. Blood, on the other hand, is more serious and it really screams of biohazard, to me. Whose blood is it, anyway? If we test the DNA, what will we find? That’s really what I want to know. In my wild imagination, I picture everyone looking like Stephen King’s Carrie after those stupid jerks dumped that bucked of blood all over her. Wasn’t that a horrifying movie that I should never have been allowed to watch at the tender age of 12? Yeah, I know, right? So the fire will burn up a third of the grass and trees which really seems like more of a punishment for sweet mother Gaia than for any of us, but whatever.
Toot number two brings us something that I imagine will be fun to watch. I hope they have a news helicopter in place to see that giant burning mountain plummet into the sea that is supposedly coming to an Armageddon near you. Then the sea will turn into blood (it’s going to take weeks for them to analyze all that blood in a lab, if TV accurately portrays how long all those DNA tests take. They might want to consider borrowing one of those offshore oil rigs.) A third of all the ships will sink. No word on the smaller sea vessels, but if I were you I’d give the dinghy a rest that day. Also, a third of all the fish will die, which is a shame because I love fish, especially tuna and salmon. I cant imagine I’m going to be all that interested in eating any of the 2/3 of fish left if they’re spending their days immersed in seas of blood. Also, what did they do to deserve this? Further proof that God can be such an a-hole when he’s drunk.
Oh, I’m sorry, it looks like I neglected to consider the freshwater fish, which will be spared until the third trumpet. A star called Wormwood (translated from the Hebrew term “looks like an ‘n’, squiggly line, sort of resembles a ‘y’, squiggle”) will fall onto the earth and poison streams and rivers and that pond in the back of the house where my grandparents used to live. Did you know that when the pond freezes over the fish are still alive? And if you crack the ice, they die? (That’s what my dad told me and if you say he’s wrong you’re a liar and a jerkface.) Yeah, that’s because God was high on cocaine when he made biology. How else can we explain things like sperm, the platypus and Rush Limbaugh? Also, this star? This Wormwood star? It will make the waters bitter and it will kill many men. Many people will die of bitterness and I know at least 2-1/2 of them. Now, there are people who are trying to mess with the Bible and make it more “believable” (they’ll call it interpretation, I’ll all it fakery). These are people who think they’re some hot shit who can take this sacred text of totally made up historical fiction and turn it into something real with their magical back in time ability to cause something to be that never was or could be. They want us to believe them when they explain that oh, no, Wormwood isn’t a STAR, it’s METEOR. Because now we have science and telescopes and shit and don’t be retarded ancient world, a star isn’t going to fall on earth and if it did we’d all be dead right then, not from bitterness, but from HOLY SHIT WE ARE OBLITERATED BY THE HEAT OF A FUCKING STAR.
God sure does enjoy his fractions, because the fourth trumpet signals a dimming by 1/3 of the sun, stars and moon. And you know what, suckers? The sun is a star and the moon only reflects the sun’s light SO I GOT YOU THERE! I only paid attention in science class until the 4th grade and I know more than you do. You just got OWNED by a 4th grade science education. HAHAHA.
Trumpet number five would make for a wicked-cool horror movie starring Jon and Kate Gosselin because there isn’t anyone I can think of who I’d rather see get ravaged by indestructible locusts that “resemble war horses with crowned human faces and having women’s hair, lions’ teeth, locusts’ wings, and the tail of a scorpion.” (this is not a locust it’s a frankenlocust. Also, what exactly is “women’s hair” when it is not on a woman, but on a frankenlocust?) Apparently people are going to try to commit suicide because the pain of the frankenlocust attack is so bad and the joke’s on us because death will not come. Some think that believers will be sealed by God and therefor the locusts will not attack them and all this means is that Janie still has a chance. These awful locusts will be led by Apollyon, which at first I thought was Apollo Ono and I thought it was kind of weird that an ice skater would be a demon from Hell, but then I thought that maybe he just likes it so who am I to judge? But them I saw that Apollyon is someone else entirely and while I can’t say he does or doesn’t like ice skating, I can say that he is a real asshole regardless. So Apollyon, also known as Abbadon because he’s taking a cue from P. Diddy and changing it up whenever he feels like he’s not getting enough attention, and his locust army will plague us and cause such terrible awfulness that we’re gonna want to drown ourselves in the bitter waters of Trumpet 4, but what they don’t know is that I am married to a woman who holds a knife in the most unnatural ways when she is chopping vegetables and very little makes me want to kill myself more than that. Sorry, Apollyon, try again.
The sixth trumpet blast is where things really start to heat up. Over 200 million horsemen kill 1/3 of the wicked left on the earth. That’s right, Janie, you’re now being called wicked. WICKED-COOL. They will kill this fraction of people using massive strikes, fire and smoke. Mostly I imagine it like this time the kids from the sandwich shop down the street were on strike because some guy got fired for smelling like he was drunk, but he wasn’t drunk, he just had been drunk the night before and the stench of booze was just because he used to be drunk but really, swear to God, wasn’t drunk anymore. Anyhow, they had a strike, no one was making sandwiches and hungry business people in Seattle were dying on the sidewalk because they needed their foot-long. Imagine this on a massive, large-scale view – worldwide striking at sandwich shops, steak houses, fast food chains, school cafeterias, grocery stores, high school gym concession stands and that one guy selling edamame at the train station in Tokyo. MASSIVE STRIKES because the horsemen said so and then they build a fire and they smoke. And somehow, 1/3 of us all die, die, die.
The seventh and final trumpet involves zombies. This is all the rage now, I realize. Vampires and zombies. So we get a blow from the horn and the dead are raised. There is no plague. There is only the sound of the trumpet giving glory to God. And then zombies eat our brains and use the hollowed out skulls as bowls and they have an ice cream party. I added that last part myself because otherwise this is all very anticlimactic.
Thus ends the first 3-1/2 years of the Tribulation and brings us to the midpoint where some important things happen in quick succession: Those two witnesses I talked about in part I, the ones who are awesome with their ability to breathe fire upon people who attempt to harm them? Yeah, well, this is when they die at the hands of the Beast! The Beast of Beasts “ will make war against them, overcome them, and kill them” (Rev. 11:7). This war isn’t like a regular kind of war with guns and knives and pull out couches and it isn’t like that movie War of the Roses where they toss plates at one another, this shit is serious. It’s a fiery fiery killy show and these two badasses who I have named Xena and Gabrielle, die. Then they are resurrected, but not in secret like Jesus. No, they’re in this for the show, they want people to see the error of their ways, Janie. They want you to know that this is the real deal. So they are resurrected in front of everyone the world over and they fall in love and make out. I don’t know how…it’s a mystery. God is a mystery. Ye shall not doubt him. It says so in that Bible.
You’re going to think I’m making this next part up, but this is serious. A whore walks into the apocalypse. Serious. A WHORE. Not just a whore, actually. THE WHORE. The Whore of Babylon. And I’m not talking about that woman starring opposite Bruce Boxleitner on the science fiction show Babylon 5 (though I’ve heard rumors…), I’m talking about the great whore of Revelation, Chapters 17 and 18:
And the woman was arrayed in purple and scarlet color, and decked with gold and precious stones and pearls, having a golden cup in her hand full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication.
And I’m just gonna let you sit and think on that for a while. Hopefully not for another six months, but for a short time. Conjure in your minds eye what this woman looks like. I’m thinking Elizabeth Taylor’s Cleopatra as my personal visual, but you have to get your own. So stir that around in your pot for a while; massage those mind grapes and see what you come up with. We’ll come back together in a few weeks and explore our thoughts and feelings about who this whore really is and why she’s holding that filthy, dirty, naughty little cup. I bet you didn’t know this Bible was so fucking fantastic, did you?
Watch the trailer for 2012 starring John Cusack
1Quoted from Scary Movie