Several times a day I like to tell Janie that she’s being watched.  Because she is.

About two weeks ago we went to a little store in Seattle called Archie McPhee and before I had to make a mad dash out of there because something horrible was happening to my bottom system, I purchased several small plastic figures and a pack of 7 fake mustaches (one for every day of the week!).

First I tried wearing the mustaches and then smooching on my lady until it freaked her out so much that she refused to come near me with any of them on.  Gussy managed to tear them off and try to eat them before I got any pictures and by then they wouldn’t even stick on Ducati’s face.  Now all I have is a 7-pack of stickless mustaches and no photographs of anyone wearing any of them, except for this:


This is one of many plastic figures watching Janie. I’ve taken to hiding this and others around the house for Janie to find.  It is ridiculous and it irritates her to no end, especially when I come up on her, tell her she’s being watched and then stare at her smirking and giggling as she searches frantically for it and calls me an asshole.

It was all fun and games until I found the plastic mule, Derek, watching me in the shower:


I guess it was only a matter of time until she used my own scheme against me, but I have to say, I don’t like it.  Not one bit.

Currently, Derek is missing.  Watching me.  I don’t know where.

Here are the others, keeping an eye on Janie for me while I run errands and hatch new plans for driving her insane, like I’m a 7 year old boy.

Angry Business Lady and Coffee Drinking Business Guy are watching you, Janie, and they want you to take off your top.


Walter the Ninja makes sure she isn’t changing the channel during my stories:


Carol the Nun wants Janie to lay off the caffeine.


JoJo the Other Nun just waits to scare her.  I didn’t put her there…she climbed in herself because, well, JoJo is just a bitch.


Cecil the Pony watches from the bedroom lamp to let me know when Janie wastes electricity.  Also, he likes to watch her sleep.  He says she is so pretty when she is sleeping.


Pooter the Pony watches Janie from the pet food corner in the kitchen.  He does not like the way she’s holding that knife.



  1. E's Mom
    September 18, 2009

    How did Derek make his way from the butter compartment to the shower? Oh, and he feels weird.

  2. September 20, 2009

    this is hilarious! i’mma do it too! not to you and janie but the people that live in my house.

  3. September 21, 2009

    I just want to say it’s pretty lame-assed unimaginative for Janie to prank you with your own pranks. Unlesssssss….. she just using that as a diversionary tactic while she carefully plots something so diabolically fiendish it will now and forever end the playing of pranks in your household. Forever.

  4. heathen
    September 21, 2009

    Leah – if you do it, you have to show off some photos.

    XUP – She is never going to out-prank me. NEVER!

  5. September 23, 2009

    [tears of helpless, helpless unstoppable laughter]

  6. Elaine
    September 24, 2009

    Man, I have a blog crush on you. Sick!

  7. September 25, 2009

    Derek is the perfect name for a mule.

    You two are hilarious.

  8. heathen
    September 25, 2009

    thank you, thank you and thank you. 🙂

  9. September 25, 2009

    I kinda feel sorry for your wife…my dad used to do this when I was a kid but he used a sock monkey. I think its why I have a nervous tick…

  10. heathen
    September 26, 2009

    DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR THE WIFE! It’s what she wants and she must never get what she wants. Especially peace of mind.

  11. Ali
    September 30, 2009

    I love it. My sister and I used to do this, but with a giant, eight-armed, silver-plated candelabra. You needed real skill…

  12. October 2, 2009

    I do these kind of pictures too. Was funny to find someone else doing them too tonight.

Comments are closed.