Everything I Write Is Dumb, Stupid and Dumb

pile-of-garbage

That is a physical representation of what I’ve been writing for weeks now.  Everything I write I end up hating.  HATING.  Gross, like a smelly mixture old garbage and JOOP! cologne.

Also, I hate the Internet.  Seriously.  I feel so judgey about how some people who are “popular bloggers” became such because, you know what, you can’t write for shit, Perez Hilton.  YOU. CAN’T. WRITE.  Also, you’re a bad dresser and your hair is stupid.

I’m trying not to be a hater, but sometimes it’s too hard.  Too much to ask.  Also, Twitter is dumb.  Can anyone tweet something other than that they posted something new on their blog?  For serious?  Because I had to subscribe to Lindsey Lohan’s Twitter feed just to get something better than “Hey, new blog post today!   ZOMG!” Also, same goes for Faceboob (typo stays because that image is getting me through the rest of my day, thankyouverymuch).

I have to go because my bitterness and bad attitude are ruining my Lean Cuisine and brussels sprouts.  I’ll be in better spirits later this week when I get my new (ORANGE!) cell phone.  You’ll know the moment it happens because I’m going to post it to Twitter and Faceboob (YAY!  OMG!  NEW CELL PHONE!  WOOT!).

While I wither away in my self-hatred, please browse the following:

Titles From The Baby-Sitters Club: The College Years Series

re: I’m sorry I shit my pants at Ralphs – m4w (?)

Barter My Whore Wife

12 Comments

  1. Julie Bolton
    August 12, 2009

    Uncouth, I love your blog! Don’t stop writing. You make me laugh out loud. That corn salad recipe is also really great.

  2. August 12, 2009

    Wow! You’ve almost perfectly articulated my feelings on this Internet thing.

  3. August 13, 2009

    Not to tell you what to do or anything, but if I were you I would maybe stop reading the Twitters and the Faceboobs so much and go read some good blogs. There are a lot of good bloggers out there who write really well. I always find that some quiet time, reading my favourite bloggers inspires me to write stuff. It’s like that old saying, right? Garbage in. Garbage out. So don’t quit because you’re one of my favourite bloggers that often inspires.

  4. Janie
    August 13, 2009

    Girl, you funny. And your new cell phone is awesome. And your puppy’s pretty cute, even though he’s taking advantage of a pillow right now. Keep up the good work sweets!

  5. heathen
    August 13, 2009

    You are all very kind. Don’t worry I will not stop writing here. (Can’t stop. Won’t stop.) You’ll still get the poor quality outrage and “humor” that this website has offered from the start. Huzzah!

    And XUP is correct. There are some super great bloggers out there in the world (of which XUP is one, check her out!). Up near the top of this page, where it says “Elsewhere,” is a small page of links I enjoy. There are others, also, but that’s a start.

  6. August 13, 2009

    I’d say something profound like usual, but…

    faceboob

    I can’t stop saying it now

    Bless you UH

  7. August 13, 2009

    That’s why you have @jlnd on twitter, to brighten your day and to learn something new… start following him, though I think you already do, in which case, HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY HUSBAND! 🙂

    I love lurking on your blog, keep up the kick ass work.

  8. heathen
    August 13, 2009

    !!

    For the record, JNLD is a good guy, a bright spot in the Twitterverse (oh, God, did I actually do that…?) and he was always way smarter than me.

    Also, JD, Degrassi is awesome! We had to watch it in grade school and then discuss the moral lessons we learned like…SPIKE IS A WHORE AND WILL GO TO HELL and that’s why she’s having a baby at the tender age of (whatever age she was, I can’t remember).

  9. August 14, 2009

    Glad to know someone else out there has a love for Degrassi. Hubby didn’t know anything about it before I totally blew his mind on the awesomeness that is being a Canadian show fromt he 80s…. watched five more episodes last night, can’t wait to get home to finish out the Junior High box set.

  10. August 14, 2009

    Thanks heathen. You’re a bright spot too and I wish you’d tweet more. I feel you about your writer’s slump though. I haven’t been tweeting much in the last couple of months, let alone blogging. Must be the summer or something. Keep on posting though, because your crappy posts are better than most of what the pro bloggers are churning out on their best days.

    BTW, I’m glad someone had the courage to tell you the truth about Spike. http://www.spikeisawhore.com is available. Maybe I should start a blog dedicated to condemning young mothers.

  11. L.
    August 15, 2009

    You’d better be lying about all this bullshit, because you’re one of my top five. I put together a top five, so I could put you in it. You make me do things I don’t want to do, so I’m going to write a Lifetime Movie about it, called “LINSEY SAYS: The Uncouth Heathen Trials”.

    So please don’t stop, and please think better of your words, because so many people, myself included, think the world of them.

  12. August 20, 2009

    i will personally go to where you live and camp out indefinitely if you stop writing this blob. i agree there are some very, very stoopid blobs out there that are TOP TEN but don’t write for shit. and i don’t mean me b/c i’m not popular and my writing is nothing short of the superficial’s. do you like the superficial writer? b/c i do. superficial is kick ass.

    so back to me. no wait, not me but YOU!

    you are loved far and wide, and you have to at least blob until the next blogher b/c we are going to rip NYC a new one with our madness. i said it. and for the record, i totally love you.

    and if you don’t believe me just ask my lesbian, that’s how much b/c she’s jealous of my love of you. by the way, she’s newly single, know any hot babes without any mental illness or diseases that can stand hearing “have you never been mellow” on her ringtone? (and plenty other gay music she likes).

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