Sie werden geliebt

I spend every Wednesday night at my parents house having dinner and trying to keep my dad from lifting things he’s not allowed to, like that pillow top mattress and that refrigerator.  I bring Gus along to distract him because there’s nothing to help you forget about dragging trunks of old ephemera from the attic like an eight pound dog with a giant caterpillar dangling from his lips.

After dinner this past Wednesday, my mom and I left my dad and Gus to bond over whatever boys bond over, probably scars, poop jokes and farting, and took a short walk.  I was nervous when she first suggested this because her tone made me think she wanted to have a private conversation and for a few seconds I worried that she was going to ask me if I was gay.  Up until I came out to my parents several years ago, every private moment with my mother was muddled with this same fear and from time to time I still find myself trying to convince Janie to just tell my parents she sleeps on the carpet int he office because we’re only roommates and, NO, that is definitely not a sex toy in the bathroom sink.

I took our walk as an opportunity to talk about some things that had been bothering me lately and until that moment, I’d never realized how nice it is to have a mother you’re not afraid to open up to.  I’d always been so worried about revealing too much about myself and that she’d finally see how totally gay I am that I never really talked to her about all my feelings that there are so many of.  I’m sure that, for her, it’s as if this little rock she’d been staring at for 30+ years suddenly opened up and gushed with water, only that water was filled with feelings that sounds a lot like a seagull screeching and babies crying and Bill O’Reilly.

My mother is one of the best people to ask for advice, especially if that advice concerns money (stop spending it on stupid things.  You do not need that life-size wicker elephant, Linsey!) and the appropriate time to provide her with grandchildren (NOW).  She is level-headed and logical in nearly every area of life.  So if you want an opinion from someone in our family that is not crazy or totally reckless, then you’ll want to look her up.  The one important thing you should know when approaching her is this:  the only time you’ll ever see the business end of her Furor Teutonicus is if and when you say anything about her family.  Because she’ll cut a bitch.


  1. June 16, 2009

    I pity you’re mother finding out her daughter sounds like Bill O’Reilly?
    She must wonder where she went wrong.

  2. heathen
    June 16, 2009

    I think she does wonder that…every single day.

  3. June 16, 2009

    Wow. That last bit makes your mom sound a lot like one of the Real House Wives of NJ. But in a good way.

  4. June 17, 2009

    Sie werden geliebt?? “You will be loved?” Or do you mean Sie sind beliebte” You are loved? Anyway, as a teutonic mom, myself, I just want to say that there is probably no greater gift you can give your mom that to let her in on some of that stuff rolling around in your head. She’s dying to know, but too respectful of your privacy to ask. But I’m not, so what DID she want to talk to you about on that walk?

  5. heathen
    June 17, 2009

    You know, she just wanted to take a walk. 🙂 I guess some people like to do that from time to time…it’s the weirdest thing.

  6. June 19, 2009

    you are so good with your words! i am having mom envy, and think it’s very cool that you feel the way you do about your mom. and it doesn’t stop there, you like your dad too! props to your moms’ and dad’s, seems like they churned out an awesome person, that being YOU!

  7. Bub
    June 22, 2009

    Hey, what’s up with that Tim LaHaye and Soon Myung Moon connection? I mean, come on, Moon is a serious despot of a cultist, right? What’re Tim and his wife doing hanging out with him? Just noticed you new book and thought I’d ask.

  8. heathen
    June 23, 2009

    That’s a good question that I can’t even begin to answer.

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