Dear Google Searchers (Vol. 2)

As I mentioned last time we did this, many people stumble upon this site via Google and that fact alone is one of my favorite things about having a website – access to search terms.  People need answers and sometimes, instead of answers, they get to come visit me and hear about my dad’s heart, my cat shitting on my pillow and a whole lot of bitching and moaning about how my lovely wife will not get off me, already.  PLEASE GET OFF ME.  I know that when you’re looking for advice on how to exact revenge on your asshole neighbor (tape up their front door with crime scene tape and draw half a chalk body outline sticking out from under the door with, maybe, some fake blood spatter) or whether it is really over when your girlfriend won’t call you after you argue and break up (YES IT IS OVER, unless it isn’t, in which case it should be), the last thing you want to know is that my doctor and wife discussed the size of a certain someone’s vagina while she was sitting a mere 12-17 inches away.  So this is for you, Google searcher trying to find out information on how to make your sister hot (Stop, son. STOP).  This is all for you.

what it feels like to be naked in public Breezy, I would guess.  It depends, because there’s physical feelings and emotional feelings.  Are you easily embarrassed?  Are you self-conscious?  Do you have a really gay tattoo that you’re embarrassed about?  Because in addition to breezy, I’m also going to guess that it feels pretty humiliating.  Unless you’re Paris Hilton in which case it feels like Friday.

people I’d like to punch in the face So far this month I’ve gotten 38 hits from people searching this on Google.  That figure does not include the variations on this search, like 5 people I’d like to punch in the face, Republicans I’d like to punch in the face, and so on.  I’m just thinking that if you need to Google this to find ideas for people you may want to punch in the face, then perhaps you’re not really all that eager to punch anyone in the face.  Just sayin’.

reading medical on internet give me anxiety WebMD Symptom Checker is our greatest friend and, also, our greatest enemy.  Two years ago it convinced me I had MS.  It also convinced my sister and Janie that I had it, too.  This was all based on a very scary, one-time weird thing that happened.  It hasn’t happened since, but every time I add it in to check a symptoms search since then, it tells me I might have MS.  So my suggestion is this – go to the doctor.  Leave WebMD alone and save yourself the anxiety.  But if you want a good idea about what might be wrong with you by looking online, just come over here and look at this special graphic I made just for you.

what to do when your wife do not talk to you You think long and hard about what you did and, if you can, do it again when it is most advantageous for you to have some peace and quiet.

what to do if your wife act like a bitch I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that maybe this is the same person who submitted the previous query.

should i quit figure skating Yes, Tanya Harding.  The dream is over.

photo of dave macpherson at disneyland Here you go…from 1955 (as Disneyland’s first visitor) and in 2005

ishma pointy stick! i cut you i cut you! WTF?

boobies HAHA.  Boobies are funny.

lies that teachers tell you Did you go to a Catholic school?  Because then it is safe to assume that everything they told you was a lie, especially that part about the Bible and how you can use it to justify your hateful actions and words.  Plus all that crap about not having sex before marriage.

screwdriver hot tips Here’s a hot tip: if you need a hot tip on how to work a fucking screwdriver you are so, totally leotarded.

lesbians love terri clark Who wouldn’t?  Seriously.  I take one look at Terri Clark and I think to myself – who could look at her and not think she is absolutely beautiful and then dream she’ll one day come to their house to make a really delicious turkey sandwich for them?  Honestly?  If you don’t think Terri Clark is beautiful you’re blind, or Janie.  And Janie only says it because she wants to hurt me.

you don t need all that fancy shit to grow weed I know, right?  Janie and I just saw season 4 of Weeds last week and they were growing weed in a refrigerator in the back of a cheese store.  But mostly you just need a lot of open space, some dirt and a gun.

Obama is retarded Look everybody!  John McCain learned how to Google!

is lesbotronic completely free? YES!  For God’s sake, didn’t they write that about 400 different ways on the front page of the website?  IT IS FREE.  Now get over there and find yourself a gay lady.

can a doctor tell if you are gay during an exam If they ask about the free toaster, retreat!  He knows to much!  RETREAT!

tile shard stuck in eye Yeah.  You’re gonna want to see a doctor about that, please and thank you.

should tile removers wear masks Please see the above query for a good example of why the answer to this is yes.  Do not chip tile without proper protection.  I suggest good clothes, goggles, a mask, some condoms, a gun, some nunchucks, a german shephard, the bible, a young priest and an old priest, a crucifix, rabbit’s foot, a sword and two cigarettes.

im going to throw up Did anyone else Google “mucous plug” after Dooce mentioned that hers fell out a few weeks ago?  Did you, unfortunately, catch a glimpse of some search-related images that popped up under the regular search function, completely separate from the image search?   Yeah.  I’m going to throw up, too.

what will you do after leave here? Well, I’ll go home.  Change into something more comfortable, take the dog to the park and watch him get peed on, AGAIN, come home, have some dinner, watch some television, wait for Janie to come home, ask her to remove her top.  Ask again.  Eat a cookie.  Ask Janie to remove her top.  Ask again.  Have a bath.  Read a book.  Ask Janie to remove her top.  Ask again.  Tell her “fine, then.  GET OFF ME.”  Go to sleep and dream about Janie taking off her shirt.  Wake up.  Write a concerned fan letter to John and Kate Gosselin.  Write a letter of support to seven of those eight Gosselin kids but not that one because she’s just an asshole.  Eat breakfast.  Cry.  Take a shower.  Cry some more.  Write some poetry.  Cry again.  Etc.

to do prior to leaving your wife? I don’t know what I write on this website that makes people show up here looking for advice on leaving their wife.  I love my wife!  But when I leave her, here’s what I’ll do:  I’ll pack the cats in one suitcase with their toys and food.  Then I’ll pack a second suitcase with clothes, a wash cloth, some fruit snacks, a few dollars in cash, a bus pass and a Bible.  Then I’ll put those bags in the building’s hallway, change the locks and tape a note to the door saying “Janie, sorry it has come to this, but I warned you to stop quoting Cry Baby.  Gus is mine and so is the bed. Have fun sleeping in Howard’s yard with only his naked body and that wash cloth to keep you warm on those cold spring evenings.”

Well, that about does it for this volume, friends.

Thanks and good luck, especially to that guy looking for tips on how to relieve his burning a-hole (ice cream and lots of it.  keep it coming.).



  1. E's Mom
    June 24, 2009

    Linsey I think that once Janie reads that last part YOU will be sleeping with Howard and not her. Mainly for saddling her with the cats in the divorce.

  2. Elaine
    June 26, 2009

    I was unaware that I could rid myself of my cats via a divorce.

    Until now

    I need to find myself a partner so I can get divorced and stick her with the damn cats.

    Do you have any idea how expensive grain free cat food is?!?

  3. heathen
    June 26, 2009

    Elaine, I am aware. It seems as if each of our cats has a special need of its own which really means that each of our cats is now costing us roughly two million dollars a year in medications, litter, special dietary requirements, urine cleaning products and gin. If you can find a wife to marry and divorce (and thanks to the government it’s as easy as that – “We’re married! Okay, now we’re divorced!”) I would suggest you do it before it’s too late and they eat you. It always ends the same, Elaine. Either you gay marry and “lose” them in the gay divorce or they eat you.

  4. June 26, 2009

    You’re search thingies are so much more interesting than mine. Mostly people are just looking for lambourghinis and donuts on my blog.

  5. heathen
    June 26, 2009

    oh, XUP, I think the donut searches are all from me.

  6. June 27, 2009

    i love the dave mcpherson photos, but are you sure it’s him? did it mention a dna test?

    speaking of tests, i went back to that organic store to get you a blood test thing and they were OUT of them. and if i have to ask the department lady a question she always acts like i’ve told her she has to clean up the overflowing toilet in the bathroom due to a severe case of diarrhea.

    i love leotarded, i’m going to start using it instead.

  7. June 30, 2009

    I’m gonna pray for you in church next week.

  8. July 8, 2009

    Most of my off-the-wall ones are about having sex with a giraffe, but I think my favorite so far is “ghost in a stank ass.”

  9. July 13, 2009

    i feel as if i have brought the people to you that want to learn about being naked in public. interestingly, i don’t know that they have found MY blog yet. you are also a way more proficient blogger than i am.

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