Breaking News! Edition

Shit is going down in the world, people. Shit is going down. There are so many worthwhile headlines to discuss that I can’t keep them straight. Let me see if I can break it down for you:

Iran is in shambles. The people want freedom! And what do they get? 16 men with beards sitting around a conference table talking about God’s will and how Ahmadinejad won that election fair and square, especially if fair and square means we totally cheated and rigged that shit. Then anarchy. The people are angry and then they’re getting shot through the heart on the street by governmental gun-toting assholes with no self-control, but wait a minute! Now those 16 clerics are blaming the CIA, because the CIA wants Iran to fail and we’re bad and they’re going to have to teach everyone a lesson and eventually they’ll probably nuke themselves because if the 16 clerics can’t have Iran, no one can! What the hell? I want to cuddle those Iranians to my bosom and tell them it’s going to be okay. I want to feed them cookies and put them to bed knowing that they’ll be safe tomorrow. But no, instead they get beaten and hacked with an ax in the streets and the rest of the world watches via twitter and you tube. I know that the US has a lot of fucked up shit going on from time to time, and I get angry and I want to break out every few months, but I am really, truly and profoundly grateful to live in a country where I can speak my mind and say that President Obama is being a real dick about DOMA and other gay issues and, also, got an ugly dog.  There.  I said it.  I don’t think that dog is cute.

So then Michael Jackson up and dies on us and I’m not sure what to believe with all these breaking developments coming out.  He died, or did he just go into a coma?  No, he’s dead.  But wait, maybe he’s just hiking the Appalachian Trail?  No, he’s dead now, officially dead.  But what about the children?  And did he overdose or was it anorexia?  Why is Joseph Jackson pimping his new record company at the BET awards when his son just died of a overdheartattorexia?  Look, now we hear that he’s not the real father of any of those kids and Debbie Rowe, the mother, isn’t really the biological mother.  And maybe the real father is Michael’s dermatologist?  What the hell?  And now we hear he’s never actually legally adopted them so whose kids are they, really?  This is not even to mention any of the weird shit Michael Jackson did in this thing we call his life.  Does anyone know what the hell MJ was up to, ever?  It’s like a fucking puzzle, those big ones with a thousand pieces but worse, some of them are ripped in half and partially gnawed in the edges but you still need to put it all together to make sense of any of this.  Worse yet, no one has heard a peep from Ja Rule.  It’s ugly and fascinating all at once, like, well, Michael Jackson.  Then Lisa Marie Presley is blogging about their real but unconventional marriage and spilling secrets and it has me thinking about my life, my marriage which is also unusual but not a sham, and I realize one simple truth in all of this:  I must outlive Janie because I can’t have her ruining my reputation with the truth when I die.

God bless Michael Jackson, I guess, if there is such a thing.  That man was a walking tragedy and, let us not forget, a pedophile.  While Dave Chappelle would have us believe that letting kids spend time in your fantasyland ranch riding rides and eating candy and then being plied with pills and booze before getting a blow job is only being a good host, let us not forget that it is not normal to shell out $20 million because you’re innocent.  Seriously, folks.  That man molested young boys and that’s wrong.  He could moonwalk, sing and dance like a motherfucker and we can appreciate that, but we have to look at the entire Michael and realize that there was shit happening that was ugly and unnatural and wrong. I’m talking about his face.  That is not normal.

And what the hell is going on in South Carolina where a governor who criticizes gay marriage as unnatural and whatever else people like to throw out there about us disgusting perverts who have the audacity to ask that we be allowed to enter into a legal contract with the one person we want so spend the rest of our lives with is lying to his staff about taking a hiking trip while he really goes to Argentina to bang his mistress, only to come clean when he is totally busted by a reporter when he returns a week later, after no one knows where the hell he has been except for being pretty fucking sure he isn’t in the one place he said he would be?  I understand that was a grammatically poor and totally reckless sentence up above but what else can I do to express my complete and total outrage?  Why are the “family values” conservatives always shitting on our parade and then going out and having diaper sex with prostitutes?  WHY DO REPUBLICANS NOT FIND THIS HYPOCRITICAL BEHAVIOR REALLY FUCKING DISGUSTING? It blows my mind. But in all of this, even when caught red handed, Governor Mark Sanford still lied and said he’d only had these special mistress meetings something like two times in eight years of knowing her, but then he broke down and said maybe it was a few more than that, then maybe a few more and also he might have smooched on some other ladies and for all we know, next week he’ll be telling us that he gave Michael Jackson a blowjob while drunk on Jesus Juice.

Todd Purdum has a Vanity Fair article on Sarah Palin that is damn-near 10,000 words about what an incompetent and egomaniacal asshole she is. I’ve saved you the trouble and read it so that you don’t have to.  The only thing you need to know that you didn’t already is this:  “When Trig was born, Palin wrote an e-mail letter to friends and relatives, describing the belated news of her pregnancy and detailing Trig’s condition; she wrote the e-mail not in her own name but in God’s, and signed it “Trig’s Creator, Your Heavenly Father.”

To wrap things up on a positive note, follow this link to The New Yorker and enjoy a short story by Lorrie Moore, one of the greatest short fiction writers of all time.  When you’re done, come back and watch this squirrel pop out from between a woman’s boobies while she’s being questionsed about a murder:

I like how she just pushes it back in all nonchalant, like it’s totally normal that this squirrel just crawled out from her shirt and no one seemed to ask her what the hell she was doing with a squirrel in her titties.  Good God, what is the world coming to? Every time I hear or see this stuff I can’t help but wonder, would this have happened in 1950? Is the world declining so rapidly that it’s now normal for a woman to sprout a squirrel from her chest on a weekday afternoon? I’m going to start a new category here called “would this have happened in 1950?” (but I have to shorten it to WTHHI1950? because otherwise it screws up my category drop down menu and we can’t have that) and we’ll debate whether or not shit like this was normal back in the days of black and white TV, when my dad was a member of a gang called the Dudes and they fought over girls with rocks and lit cigarettes.

3 Comments

  1. June 30, 2009

    No this would not happen in 1950.
    No squirrels popping out of a women’s shirts.
    No women writing letters about birthing someone and signing it God.
    No black/white/male/female/dancer/singers, paying 20 million hush money for molesting little boys. That was the priest’s job.
    No SC governors going to hike the trail and ending up with a mistress in Argentina.
    No 16 clerics ruling Iran.
    Yes this would happen in the 50’s
    Idiots discriminating against homosexuals, that is if there had been any homosexuals back then and I checked all the tv programs and nope there weren’t any.

  2. July 1, 2009

    Now I’m going to have to google the Obama family’s dog, which of course never would have happened in 1950. I hope you’re happy.

  3. Elaine
    July 1, 2009

    Thank you for saying it about Michael Jackson! Why anyone is celebrating that man is beyond me. I say good riddance. He was a monster.

    And why his 3 kids are now being turned over to be abused by the same people who abused him as a child is even more beyond me. The American courts are so f’ed up when it comes to protecting children. And the American public is so f’ed up when it comes to celebrity. What does it matter if he sang a few good songs? HE WAS A CHILD MOLESTER!!!!! I think that overshadows a catchy tune.

    Moving on.

    Sanford is a complete and utter a**hole. I was pleased to read that he had one of his trysts with his mistress while traveling with his spiritual adviser. It is tragic that his 4 sons have a lizard for a father, however. But fortunately they seem to have an incredibly strong mom. I hope she can make up for what their dad has turned out to be.

    Lastly, do you have any idea how sharp baby squirrel claws are? I volunteered at wildlife rescue during squirrel season and holy shit! I would not tuck one of those devils under my boob. Highly inadvisable.

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