Janie and I had our physicals a few weeks ago and, just to be efficient, they were back to back. We didn’t think much of being in the same room together during one another’s exam, but really only because we didn’t give it enough though beforehand. Our general physician also does our annual exams, those of the lady variety. We learned pretty quickly that next year we’re definitely not going to be in the room together for that. In fact, we’ll have separate appointments on different days, maybe several weeks apart just to be safe.
I was the first in the stirrups and just as we were about to begin he started digging through his speculum drawer, like it was a full of candy and he just couldn’t find his favorite kind. He started mumbling about sizes and I had no idea what he meant because every prior gynecological exam experience always seemed to offer a one-size fits all speculum. At the same time, all my prior gynecological exams also seemed to be opportunities for the doctors to do something totally fucking insane, like take that opportunity to discuss my parents opinions of my sexuality or, you know, step out in the middle of everything to take a call from a wife.
He pulled out a couple of options and offered them to me, asking “Oh, hey, what size is your vagina?” and before my look of panic and confusion could sear into his soul, he turned to Janie and said, “I SHOULD PROBABLY ASK YOU.” Then they communicated in a series of gang signs before I spontaneously combusted, leaving only tiny shreds of my dignity on the exam table that were quickly swept into a garbage can. Just then, Janie fell into a well and when our doctor’s staff lowered a rescue searcher down to help her out, she requested some juice and to be left alone because, despite the dark and the unknown in which she was submerged, it was somehow more comfortable than sitting in the doctor’s office discussing the size of her wife’s vagina. To this day, anyone visiting the building where our doctor has his office can hear Janie’s cries for another juice box and, this time, maybe some french fries, too.